Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 15
Superman/Clark Kent … Bill Murray
Beverly … Gilda Radner
The Flash … Dan Aykroyd
Lana Lang … Jane Curtin
The Hulk … John Belushi
Cookie Hulk … Laraine Newman
Antman … Garrett Morris
[A spacious high-rise apartment overlooking the cityof Metropolis. Lois Lane stands by a punch bowl.]
Lois Lane: Honey! Honey, do you want to mix the punch?I don’t know what it is. Four parts vodka to one mixor– Ahhh! [she pours the vodka directly in the bowlas Superman, wearing an apron, bounds into the roomand adopts his power stance with hands on hips]
Lois Lane: What is it?
Superman: It’s four parts to one. Can you do it,sweetheart? I’m putting the nachos in the oven.
Lois Lane: Okay. You know, I sure hope the people mixbetter than they did at my birthday party. I mean,your friends clumped on one side and all my friendswere on another side. [doorbell rings] Who can thatbe? They’re ten minutes early?
Superman: I’ll get it. [bounds to the door and opensit to reveal the Flash] Hey! If it isn’t the fastestman alive! [they shake hands as the Flash’s dateBeverly enters]
Lois Lane: [kisses Flash on cheek] How are ya? Hi,Beverly!
The Flash: Superman, Lois. My friend, Beverly. [theyexchange greetings]
Beverly: Ohhh, look at your ring! What a beautifuldiamond!
Lois Lane: Aw, thanks. Hubby here made it out of a bagof E-Z Lite Charcoal Briquettes for me.
The Flash: He’s a real handyman around the house, huh?
Lois Lane: Uh huh.
The Flash: Hey, probably won’t need one of these.[offers a gift-wrapped present]
Superman: Ohhh! A corkscrew. Thank you.
Lois Lane: [annoyed, to Superman] Uh, would you let meopen it first? I mean, there are some of us who don’thave X-ray vision and we like to be surprised.
Superman: [nods in agreement] I’m sorry.
Lois Lane: [unwraps present] Oh! A corkscrew!
Superman: A corkscrew! Well, thank you.
Lois Lane: Oh, thank you.
Superman: You know, it’s the one thing I could reallyuse around the house. You know, lately, I’ve beensucking the cork out and I end up drinking the wholebottle. Thank you.
Lois Lane: You really shouldn’t have.
The Flash: That’s okay.
Superman: Flash? Beverly?
Lois Lane: Beverly? Want some punch?
Beverly: Oh, great. [all four walk to the punch bowl]
The Flash: Well, thanks, I just had some there as -while you asked me. Ha ha! When you blinked your eye.
Superman: [chuckles] Would you like some more?
The Flash: I just had some there when you just askedme the second time.
Beverly: Honey, you’d better slow down.
The Flash: Oh, you know me. [laughs]
Beverly: Mm hmm.
Lois Lane: [hands punch to Beverly] There you go,dear.
Beverly: Thank you.
The Flash: Thanks a lot. Oh, great. That looks great.
Superman: [sensing trouble, glancing at door] Oh, uh…
The Flash: Beautiful apartment.
Lois Lane: Thank you.
Superman: … Lana Lang is here, Lois.
Lois Lane: [doorbell rings, coolly] I’ll get it,honey. [heads for the door]
The Flash: [to Superman] You and that crazy X-rayvision! Ha ha ha ha ha!
Lois Lane: [opens door without looking,unenthusiastic] Hi, Lana.
Lana Lang: [breezes in, cigarette in one hand, thicklysugarcoating her envy] Hi, Lois. How’s the luckiestgirl in the world?
Lois Lane: [mimics her faux sweetness] Oh, just fine.Why don’t you join the party and try and have somefun?[But Lana has already breezed past her to joinSuperman and friends at the punch bowl.]
Lana Lang: [puts a loving hand on Superman] Hello.
Superman: Hi, Lana. Have you met my friends, the Flashand – and Beverly? [Lois pointedly pushes Lana awayfrom Superman as she rejoins him]
Beverly: Beverly, yes.
The Flash: Hello. How are ya?
Lana Lang: Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Oh, bythe way, Superman, I just read that profile of you byClark Kent for the Daily Planet. Boy, does Clark Kentlove you.
Superman: Heh heh heh. [Lois fixes a drink for Lana asSuperman deftly changes the subject] Say, Flash, I gota new ping pong table in the rec room. What do you sayI take you on?
The Flash: Okay, but no betting. You know what happenswhen we bet. [they laugh heartily]
Lana Lang: [accepting punch from Lois] Thank you.
The Flash: [to Superman] Let’s do it. [to Beverly] Seeya later, Bev.
Beverly: Bye-bye.[Superman and the Flash exit, leaving the women at thepunch bowl.]
Lana Lang: Well, Lois, married life seems to beagreeing with you.
Lois Lane: Well, yes, but, uh, you know, living with asuperhero does have its problems, Lana.[Unlike the other women who are used to this sort ofthing, Lana Lang looks momentarily disconcerted at thesounds of the super-speed ping pong playing thatdrifts in from the rec room.]
Beverly: I’ll say. My biggest problem with the Flashis that I just cannot get him to relax and he hastrouble sleeping.
Lois Lane: Well, there’s still a lot I don’t knowabout Superman, I mean, he still won’t told me hissecret identity.
Lana Lang: Well, if he won’t tell you his secretidentity, maybe there’s some other things that he’snot telling you.
Lois Lane: [ironic] Ha ha ha. [doorbell rings] Oh,wait, I’ll get it. Hang on a minute. Be right back.[goes to door and opens it] Hulk! [The green-skinnedIncredible Hulk, carrying a cookie tin, enters] Comeon in! [Hulk mutters and flexes his ratherout-of-shape muscles] You crazy nut! [Lois gives theHulk a hug and kiss] How are ya?
The Hulk: Hey, Lois! Happy St. Patrick’s Day!
Lois Lane: How was the parade? Were you the GrandMarshall again?
The Hulk: Naw, the Green Lantern’s turn this year. Werotate. One year …
Lois Lane: Oh, yeah.[The Hulk’s wife, Cookie, enters, head bandaged, armin a cast, and with a crutch for support]
Lois Lane: Cookie! Cookie Hulk! What happened to you?
Cookie Hulk: [annoyed] What do ya think happened?[sharply, to the Hulk] I swear, first thing Mondaymorning — twin beds!
The Hulk: [grudgingly] Oh, all right. [to Lois] Oh,uh, we got a present for ya.
Lois Lane: What?
The Hulk: [opens lid of cookie tin] KRYPTONITE! [Loisjumps back startled as Hulk shuts lid and howls withlaughter] Ah ha ha ha! Just kidding! [hands Lois thecookie tin] It’s, uh, it’s almond bark.
Lois Lane: It’s almond bark?
The Hulk: Yeah, almond bark.
Lois Lane: [underwhelmed] Oh. [opens lid, looksinside] Thank you very much.
The Hulk: Hey, where’s that invincible husband ofyours, anyway, huh?[Superman bounds in, to the delight of Lois, Cookieand the Hulk. Hulk hollers happily, moves toward him.]
Superman: [to Hulk] How’s it goin’?
The Hulk: Superman! Howzit goin’?! [they shake hands,Hulk pretends Superman has a crushing grip] Ooh oohooh, let go, let go, let go! [they both crack up, theFlash enters and shakes hands with the Hulk] Hey,Flash!
The Flash: How ya doin’?
The Hulk: What are you two jokers doin’ around here?Hey! [they playfully punch one another] [Meanwhile, at the punch bowl, Lois fixes a drink forCookie.]
Lois Lane: [snidely, to Lana] How are the cookies?Eating ’em all up yet?
Lana Lang: You know, I’m surprised Clark Kent isn’there.
Lois Lane: I hope he comes. I invited him.
Lana Lang: You know, it’s funny.
Lois Lane: What?
Lana Lang: About Clark.
Lois Lane: What?
Lana Lang: Have you ever noticed how you never seeClark and the Flash together at the same time?
Lois Lane: [thinks about it] Hmm.[Doorbell rings, the Flash moves to answer it.]
The Flash: I’ll get it, Lois. [opens door, grunts andcrouches as if putting his arm around someone] SueStorm, the Invisible Girl! [laughs] Come on right in![Spider-Man, looking rather thin, enters and shakeshands with Flash] Hey, Spider-Man! All right.[Spider-Woman, looking stunningly sexy, enters andgets a kiss and handshake from Flash] Spider-Woman.How are ya? Hey. [The Thing, huge and orange, mustenter sideways] Ah, the Thing! All right! Come on in,join the party. [Antman, wearing a helmet withantennae, enters and shakes hands, but the Flashdoesn’t recognize him] Ah… Excuse me, I’m not sureif I remember your name. I’m really bad with names,you know.
Antman: [high-pitched voice] You don’t remember me? Wemet several times. I is Antman. A-N-T-M-A-N.
The Flash: Oh, right, right.
The Flash: Uh, Antman.
The Flash: What are your super powers again? You – you- you talk to the ants, is that it?
Antman: Well, partly. But, mainly, I shrink myselfdown to the size of an ant while retaining my fullhuman strength.
The Flash: Really?
The Flash: [sarcastic] Oooh, that’s really impressive.Size of an ant with human strength. You must be ableto clean house on those other ants, huh? [chuckles]Hey! Hey, Hulk! Hey, check this guy out.[The Hulk joins them. He and the Flash can barely keepfrom laughing at poor Antman and can’t help chortlingin-between their heavily sarcastic remarks:]
The Hulk: Ooooh!
The Flash: He’s got the strength of a human!
The Hulk: Antman, huh?! Where are your ants?
Antman: They’re – they’re at home, uh, in the antfarm.
The Hulk: Oh, better stay out of this guy’s way.
The Flash: Oooh! Every molecule’s quiverin’ now!
Antman: I don’t see what’s so funny. There somethingwrong with being Antman? I mean, what’s the joke? Idon’t see what’s so–
The Hulk: Oh, great, great, Antman. Oh, excuse me.[joins Lois at punch bowl]
The Flash: [to Antman] Don’t worry about it. We’rejust ribbin’ ya.
The Hulk: Hey, Lois, uh, where’s the can? Is it aroundhere?
Lois Lane: Right over there.
The Hulk: Over there, huh?[Whistling nonchalantly, the Hulk exits into thebathroom.]
Lois Lane: Wait, um …[A woman screams. The Hulk emerges hastily from thebathroom.]
The Hulk: All right! All right! Geez! Sorry! I’msorry! Sorry I didn’t see ya sittin’ there on the pot,there. [to the folks at the punch bowl] Hey, if theInvisible Girl is gonna go to the bathroom, she shouldlock the door![The Hulk walks off and we center on Lois and Supermanat the punch bowl:]
Lois Lane: [to Superman] I wonder where Clark Kent is.
Superman: Aw, don’t worry about Clark. I have afeeling he’ll show up some time tonight.
Lois Lane: Well, maybe I could call him and ask him tobring some ice. We’re sort of running low on ice.
Superman: More ice?
Lois Lane: Yeah.
Superman: Excuse me for a minute, my love. I’ll beright back.
Lois Lane: Okay.[Superman bounds to the glass doors that open onto thebalcony, opens them, licks his finger, puts it to theair to test the wind, then flies off. Meanwhile,Beverly and Cookie sit together, chatting:]
Beverly: Say, Cookie, the Hulk, uh, looks like he lostsome weight.
Cookie Hulk: Yeah, but he’s still, uh, way out ofshape. I gotta get him to go on a diet this summer.
Beverly: Oh, boy. Did you see the love handles on theFlash? [At the punch bowl, the Flash smokes what mayor may not be a cigarette while conversing with Antmanand the Hulk; he offers them the butt and they eachtake a drag] He stopped smoking again and then hestarted smoking again and now he smokes six packs aday.
Cookie Hulk: Well, they’re all letting themselves go.And, I mean, you know, who can blame them? I mean,since the Justice League of America wiped out all thesuper-villains, these guys have NOTHING to do!
Beverly: Tell me about it. Have you seen the GreenLantern? It’s unbelievable. He looks like OrsonWelles.
Cookie Hulk: [disgusted] Oh![Doorbell rings, Lois opens the door and Superman, inhis secret identity as mild-mannered reporter ClarkKent, enters.]
Clark Kent: Hi, Lois.
Lois Lane: Oh, hi, Clark. God, I didn’t know if youwere gonna make it. I’m so glad you came.
Clark Kent: I’m afraid I can’t stay too long, Lois. Igotta get back to the office. By the way, is Supermanhere?
Lois Lane: No, he flew out for some ice.
Clark Kent: Oh. So, Lois, I don’t get to see you toomuch more now that you’re married. Hey, must be greatbeing married to the Man of Steel, huh? Ha ha ha ha! Iguess he must be a terrific husband, huh? Ha ha!
Lois Lane: Clark … can I confide in you?
Clark Kent: Well, of course you can, Lois.
Lois Lane: Well, I – I feel like I can talk to you,Clark, because I’ve known you for a long time, andfrom your article you seem to have such a high opinionof Superman but …
Clark Kent: Uh huh?
Lois Lane: Clark. It’s about Superman. I mean, I can’ttell you how incredibly dull he is. I mean, he’s sokindhearted and all that but he’s so boring sometimesI think I’m gonna lose my mind.
Clark Kent: [devastated but tries to hide it] I – I -I’m surprised to hear that, Lois.
Lois Lane: It’s not his fault, he’s from Krypton. Imean, he’s so just so straight though. You know, whenwe got married he was a virgin?
Clark Kent: So, what’s so bad about that, both youbeing virgins?
Lois Lane: Oh, come on, Clark. I went out with theHulk for six months.
Clark Kent: [stunned] You and – you and the Hulk, huh?Ha ha. That’s funny. [laughs nervously] Ow. Does, uh,Superman know this?
Lois Lane: Well, I don’t know. It never really cameup. I – I don’t think it’d bother him.
Clark Kent: Yeah, I’m sure it wouldn’t matter to a guylike Superman. So, uh, does – does anyone else knowabout you and the Hulk?
Lois Lane: Well, sure. The Flash and Spider-Man and,uh, the Thing and, uh …
Clark Kent: [nods in disbelief] Thing.
Lois Lane: I told Perry White, yeah, and, uh, Clark, Itold– Clark, what’s the matter?
Clark Kent: [completely shaken] Uh …
Lois Lane: Jimmy Olsen, I told–
Clark Kent: Yeah. I gotta cab waiting outside. Uh, Igotta go, I’m afraid.
Lois Lane: Oh, I’m sorry I laid this on you. I justhad to get it off my chest.
Clark Kent: Oh, no, I – I love to listen, uh, thankyou. ‘Preciate it. Tell Superman I stopped by.
Lois Lane: Yeah, I’ll tell him. Good night.[Clark exits. Lois shuts the door behind him, thenputs a hand to her mouth, looking worried. Meanwhile,at the closed bathroom door, the Flash is in themiddle of a conversation with Lana and Antman:]
The Flash: … You can’t get art like that. You haveto rent it or buy it outright. [knocks on bathroomdoor] Hey, Hulk! Hulk! Come on, you got a lot ofpeople standin’ out here in line. Come on!
The Hulk: [emerges from bathroom] All right, allright, take it easy![Lana, Antman and the Flash instantly react in horrorto the awful smell that emerges with the Hulk.]
The Flash: Whoa! Whoa!
The Hulk: [annoyed at the reaction] Come on!
Lana Lang: Did something die in there? [She ignitesher cigarette lighter and holds it to the door whichthe Flash shuts.]
The Hulk: Take it easy. It’s not supposed to smelllike roses. Come on.
The Flash: Light a blowtorch![Spider-Man and Spider-Woman stand on either side ofthe open balcony door.]
Spider-Woman: Up in the sky! It’s a bird!
Spider-Man: It’s a plane![Superman, still dressed as Clark Kent, lands on thebalcony and enters, carrying a bag of ice. Stillshaken by Lois’ revelation, he has forgotten to changeback into Superman.]
The Flash: It’s … It’s Clark Kent!
Spider-Woman: [pointing at Clark] Of course!
The Flash: Of course! Clark Kent is Superman!
Clark Kent: [realizes too late that he wears the wrongclothes] Awww … [quietly cursing himself for hisstupidity] Dumb sssss….[The guests register stunned reactions, openmouthed,scratching their heads in disbelief, amazed that theyhad never figured this out before.]
The Flash: That’s it!
Clark Kent: [suddenly goes berserk] Okay, out! Getout! Everybody out! All right![Lois tries to placate Clark as the guests protest.]
The Hulk: What? Come on!
Clark Kent: [threatens the Hulk] Get out of here,Hulk!
The Hulk: [nervously moves away] All right, hey, hey!
Clark Kent: [angry, to the Flash] You knew all along,didn’t you, Fl–?! Get out of here!
The Flash: Naw! I’m your buddy, pal!
Clark Kent: Everybody out of here![The guests crowd toward the door and exit. Clarkdumps the ice in the punch bowl.]
Lois Lane: [tries to calm him] Clark! Clark![Clark turns and throws some ice at the Flash, thenstarts beating the Thing on his orange head as Beverlytries to intervene. A distraught Lois, hands to herface, watches from a safe distance as the guestsdepart. [We pull back, off the spacious set, past cameras andboom microphones.] [SUPER: “coming up next… Leprechaun Singles Bars”]