Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 15
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray
Father Guido Sarducci…..Don Novello
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Here are anchorpersons Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.
Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin. Here now, the news.
Our top story tonight: Proud and excited over successfully putting Egypt and Israel back together, Jimmy Carter said today, “It was only the beginning.”, and then flew off to New York to try to put NBC’s program schedule back together.
Former president and Mrs. Richard Nixon came to New York this week to visit daughter Tricia, who had just given birth to Nixon’s first grandson, Christopher Nixon Cox. Nixon had some doubts about the child’s future, having heard that being a national disgrace can often skip a generation.
Jane Curtin: [ takes a watch out of her pocket and hands it to Bill ] You left this at my place. The Chieftans found it. [ laughs ] [ Bill puts the watch in his pocket ]
Tragedy in the world of horse racing this week, when a three year old filly named Small Sist, running on a sloppy track at Aqueduct stumbled on a turn, hit the inside rail, and burst into flames. The horse raged out of control for forty minutes, but fortunately, no other horses were involved.
The Primate Steering Comittee of the combined National Institutes of Health reports that there is a severe shortage or rhesus monkeys for scientific research due to a contract dispute between Bangladesh and its U. S. marketer. The monkeys are sorely needed to test polio vaccines and contraceptives, and other projects vital to us all, so if you are a rhesus monkey watching me now, and you would like to donate your body to science, please hop in a box and have yourself mailed to (adress appears on the Weekend Update screen) Rhesus Roundup, San Simian, California. It’s a great way to be remembered, and of course, you’re tax deductable.
Jane Curtin: Millions of Americans are celebrating St. Patrick’s day today, and here with a comment is our good friend Father Guido Sarducci. Father Sarducci?
Father Guido Sarducci: [ smoking cigarette ] Thank-a you, thank-a you. Most-a people are very aware that-a Saint Patrick is-a the patron Saint of-a Ireland. He lived around-a the year 400, 500, right in-a there. Most people-a know him because-a they think that he chased-a the snakes from-a Ireland. But actually, that’s not-a the truth. Really, he didn’t-a chase them, he kind of-a led them. He was-a kind like a pied piper for snakes. I don’t know, it was-a just something about him that snakes liked-a to follow him around, you know. And-a you may think-a that snakes go very fast and they do if they’re just going short distances. But, like-a, when they’re on a long journey, they go very, very slowly. And-a Saint Patrick, he had-a to walk-a very, very slow, and all of the snakes followed him, and then he tricked them. He went into the ocean, and they all followed him, and he went way, way out, and he waited till they all drowned, and then heswam back in. That’s-a what he did.
You see, he was a good-a saint. But he wasn’t a great-a saint. Like-a Saint Joseph, the patron saint of Italy. He’s a great-a saint and not just a good-a saint. You know, Saint Joseph’s named day is-a coming up-March 19th, only two days away. But-a, there won’t-a be no parades, no parties, not even a song for Saint-a Joseph. And-a the reason is-a because of-a Saint Patrick. You know, it’s just like having a birthday two days after Christmas-you just don’t get-a the same attention, you know. And it just-a breaks my heart that he was a great-a saint, and this good, mediocre saint gets all-a the glory.
You know, you don’t have-a a patron saint for the United States, but there are some American saints. Just the last couple of years they made-a some. The first was-a about-a two years ago. Her name was-a Saint Elizabeth Ann Seton. Mother Seton-is-a what they call her. And she’s got-a these nuns of her own order who lobby-they’re real heavy-they came to Rome and everything. And it’s amazing, you see. To be made a saint in-a the catholic church, you have to have-a four miracles. That’s-a the rules, you know. It’s-a always been that-a. Four miracles, and-a to prove it. Well, this-a Mother Seton-now they could only prove-a three miracles. But the Pope-he just waved the fourth one. He just waved it! And do you know why? It’s-a because she was American. It’s all-a politics. We got-a some Italian-a people, they got-a forty, fifty, sixty miracles to their name. They can’t-a get in just cause they say there’s already too many Italian saints, and this woman comes along with-a three lousy miracles. I understand that-a two of them was-a card tricks. Next thing you know, they’re gonna be making Kreskin a saint. Saint Kreskin-they’ll probably call him. It’s a good one.
Well, I’m-a very happy to announce that-a next time you see me, I’m-a gonna be monsegnior. That’s right. I was-a promoted. (audience applauds) Thank-a you, yes, thank-a you. Actually it’s not until next week that-a they sign-a the papers, but nothing can-a stop me now, and I’m-a real excited getting the new costume, everything, you know. When you’re monsegnior, you get to have a nice-a red stripe, (points to his right sleeve) and they say that-a nothing brings out the good veal in Italian restaurants than that-a red stripe, you know. I’m-a really looking forward to it. I just wish I was-a feeling better. Last night I got-a this-a tattoo (scratches left sleeve) and it’s-a really been itching me. I have a little fever, and-a I hope I feel better by the ceremonies.
Well, it was-a more than-a wonderful spending a couple of moments with you. Bill, you can-a take it-a back-a please.
Bill Murray: Thank you, Father Guido Sarducci.
Father Guido Sarducci: Thank-a you!
Bill Murray: [ a bust of Albert Einstein is on Bill Murray’s desk ] This past Wednesday, March 14th, marked the 100th birthday of my main genius, man, Dr. Albert Einstein. And I’d like to honor him in my own way. [ starts singing ]
“Happy birthday to yoooou…” [ nudges bust ]
“Happy birthday to yoooou…” [ shakes bust by the hair ]“Happy birthday, Mister Relativity” [ pinches nose ]“Happy birthday to yoooou…”
Serving time in San Francisco for her attempt on the life of Gerald Ford, Lynette Squeaky-Fromme was charged this week for attacking a fellow prisoner with a hammer. Asked why she possessed such a weapon, authorities said that Squeaky works in the prison garden where her job is to assassinate weeds.
Independence, Missouri high school students held a mock trial this week and found late president Harry Truman not guilty of war crimes and dropping the atomic bomb on Japan. In a related story from Japan, Hiroshima high school students also held a trial, also found Truman not guilty, and just for fun, fired off a nuclear missile that completely wiped out Independence, Missouri.
Dan Aykroyd: I’m station manager Dan Akroyd. During the past few weeks in Los Angeles, actor Lee Marvin and his former live-in companion Michelle Triola Marvin have been in court to settle her claim that he owes her half his income from the six years they lived together. That is the subject of tonight’s Point-Counterpoint. Jane will take the pro-Michelle Marvin point, while I will take the anti-Michelle Triola counterpoint. Jane?
Jane Curtin: Dan, times change and so does the nature of relationships. People are reluctant to get married these days and looking at divorce statistics, who can blame them. But the lack of a piece of paper does not neccessarily mean a lack of a total commitment. A woman is this modern-day relationship may well give up all her personal pursuits, as Michelle Marvin claims she did, to give her full support to her man’s career. And Michelle Marvin is just asking that the courts recognize that reality. Dan, there’s an old saying: “Behind every successful man there’s a woman.” A loving, giving, caring woman. But you wouldn’t know about that, Dan, because there’s no old saying about what’s behind a miserable failure. [ gives a look of arrogance ]
Dan Aykroyd: Jane, you ignorant slut! Bagged-out, dried-up, slunken meat like you and Michelle Triola know the rules. If you want a contract, sign on the dotted line. Oh, but let’s all shed a tear for poor Michelle Triola. There was only testimony that she had sexual intercourse over forty times with another man while living with actor Lee Marvin. But I suppose that sort of fashionable promiscuting means nothing to you, Jane, who hops from bed to bed with the frequency of a cheap ham radio. But hell hath no fury like a woman’s scorn, and Michelle Triola, like a screeching, squealing, reptatious swamp sow is after actor Lee Marvin’s last three million dollars. I guess what you and Michelle are saying is that when you’re on your backs, the meter is running. Well, please spare us, gals, and tell us the rate’s at the top. Then we can choose which two bit tarts and bargain basement sluts to shack up with.
Jane Curtin: That’s the news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Submitted by: Tony DuMont