SNL Transcripts: Milton Berle: 04/14/79: On The Spot


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 17

78q: Milton Berle / Ornette Coleman

On The Spot

Joan Face … Jane Curtin
Irwin Mainway … Dan Aykroyd

[Funky theme music. Graphic reads: ON THE SPOT -Dissolve to talk show host Joan Face and herclipboard.]

Joan Face: Good evening. I’m Joan Face and welcome to”On the Spot.” Well, it’s Spring and, across thecountry, outdoor amusement parks will be opening againand kids will be flocking to them, anxious to spendtheir nickels and dimes for an afternoon of thrills.Sounds innocent enough. But what worries us is thenumber of injuries and even fatalities that will takeplace at amusement parks because of shoddyconstruction, poorly supervised facilities and corruptsafety inspectors. With us tonight is a man who is nostranger to the “On the Spot” hot seat. He is theowner, operator and sole stockholder of one of thenewest of these parks, Irwin Mainway’s Kiddie Funworldof Rahway, New Jersey, Mr. Irwin Mainway.

Irwin Mainway: [with pencil-thin mustache,slicked-back greasy hair, sunglasses, dark three-piecesuit, pinkie rings, smokes a cigarette] Thank you,Miss Face. [applause]

Joan Face: Mr. Mainway, our investigative team hasvisited your park and brought back a deeply disturbingreport. In short, they say, and I quote, “Never in thehistory of the leisure industry has there been such athreat to the health and welfare of our children asIrwin Mainway’s Kiddie Funworld.” End quote.

Irwin Mainway: Aw, now, Miss Face, is this just gonnabe another one of your personal attacks?

Joan Face: Mr. Mainway, isn’t it true that, at KiddieFunworld, you have a ride known as Thunder Plunge?

Irwin Mainway: Thunder Plunge is very, very popularwith the kids.

Joan Face: Isn’t it true that in this ride, you putsmall children into grocery shopping carts and sendthem careening down a steep incline into a gravel pit?

Irwin Mainway: I’d like to point out that each cart isequipped with a little foam cushion … to cushion thekid.

Joan Face: I’ll tell you what else the cart isequipped with, Mr. Mainway — a little sign that reads”Property of A & P Food Stores – Do Not Remove fromParking Lot.”

Irwin Mainway: Miss Face, A & P’s out of business. Iacquired the carts–

Joan Face: Mr. Mainway, A & P is not out of business.It is a national chain with over thirty thousandstores.

Irwin Mainway: Well, the one in Rahway’s out ofbusiness.

Joan Face: That’s easy to check, Mr. Mainway. Now whatabout this Crack the Whip? As I understand it, in thisride, you put small children into a large burlap bag,tie it to a derrick and swing this bag of childrenround and round in circles until the rope frays andthey are hurled into space.

Irwin Mainway: They land in a lake.

Joan Face: A writhing bag of frightened, helplesschildren flung into a lake?

Irwin Mainway: It’s a thrill they’ll never forget. Imean, you know, come on…

Joan Face: Just out of curiosity, Mr. Mainway, howmany little children do you stuff into that bag?

Irwin Mainway: Uh, it varies. A bag can hold up to twohundred fifty pounds of kids.

Joan Face: I see. Mr. Mainway, why don’t you tell usabout the Ice Palace?

Irwin Mainway: The Ice Palace. It’s a glittering,glistening winter wonderland of ice and snow.

Joan Face: No, it’s not, Mr. Mainway. It’s acollection of abandoned refrigerators.

Irwin Mainway: Come on, come on, you gotta use, youknow, you gotta use a little bit of imagination. Youdon’t have much imagination, Miss Face.

Joan Face: Oh, I have plenty of imagination. Right nowI’m picturing little children trapped insiderefrigerators, their pitiful little wails muffled bythick, white doors.

Irwin Mainway: Hey, hey, hey, come on, come on. I’mgonna hire a guy to check on them first thing in themorning. I’m gonna hire a guy to do that — go ’roundand check on ’em, you know.

Joan Face: Mr. Mainway, explain, if you will, theTunnel of Noxious Gases.

Irwin Mainway: Hey, okay, Miss Face, the Tunnel ofNoxious Gases was a mistake. I’m not gonna sit hereand lie to you. It didn’t work out. We dropped it.Hey, I’m not God. You know.

Joan Face: What about this, Mr. Mainway? The WildMouse. Is that some kind of deadly roller coaster?

Irwin Mainway: No, Miss Face, it’s exactly what itsays — a wild mouse. We put a kid in a pup tent witha wild mouse. What they do in there is their business.And we are very scrupulous about changing mice. Afresh mouse every five kids.

Joan Face: Mr. Mainway, what might a small child findin your Pit of Many Wonders?

Irwin Mainway: Well, frankly, Miss Face, I haven’t gotthe faintest idea. I was gonna go down there one dayto check it out but I was wearing my white shoes.

Joan Face: Mr. Mainway, I’m going to tell you exactlywhat I think of you, you piece of human garbage. Youare the lowest slime that ever breathed. When I thinkthat even the pinkie rings on your pudgy, greasylittle fingers were paid for by the torment ofinnocent children, I retch. You are the veryembodiment of evil.

Irwin Mainway: Okay, may I – may I just say somethinghere, Miss Face? What youse just said makes youlook bad, not me. I’m gonna be very interested to seethe mail on this show.

Joan Face: Mr. Mainway, as God is my witness, fromthis day forward, I devote my life to putting youbehind bars.

Irwin Mainway: You know, Miss Face, I feel very sorryfor you. You criticize what I do for a living. Well,let me tell you about what you do. What’s sosafe about your show? Say there’s a little kid. He’srunning around the living room, your show’s on TV, heruns right up into the TV set, it blows up, he dies!Okay, another little kid. He’s not happy with thereception, your face is blurry, he fiddles with theaerial, he pokes his eye out – blind! You got a littlekid in the bathtub, he’s takin’ a bath, watching yourshow, TV falls in the bathtub, electrocutes him —tchtchtch — fries! And the last thing that kidsees on earth in this life is your face, MissFace, makin’ fun of what somebody does for a living.Think about that, Miss Face!

Joan Face: That’s all the time we have for “On theSpot.”

Irwin Mainway: No, no, just a minute. Hold it, holdit, Miss Face, I want to add something here. That -that it’s Irwin Mainway’s Kiddie Funworld. That’sRoute Seventeen, past the Woodbridge exit in Rahway,New Jersey.

[Joan Face throws down her clipboard, screams, leapsfrom her chair and physically assaults Irwin Mainway,knocking him out of his chair to the floor where sheattempts to strangle him. Dissolve to a wider view ofthe set with lights, cameras and technicians visible.] [SUPER: “coming up next… The Taiwan Syndrome”] [Fade.]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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