Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 17
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray
Chico Escuela…..Garrett Morris
Z Jones…..Laraine Newman
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the Weekend Update news team. Brought to you by: Pepto-Bismarck — controls diarrhea in German chancellors. Here are anchorpersons Jane Curtin and Bill Murray.
Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin. Here now, the news.
Our top story tonight: In Harrisburg today, the men most responsible for the Three Mile Island incident were tried and executed by a revolutionary tribunal. Tribunal members said they would have electrocuted the men, but they couldn’t afford the electricity.
Disaster struck Wichita Falls, Texas, Tuesday, when a killer twister ripped through the town, leaving death and destruction in its wake. Here, a victim of the tornado has his house destroyed and a handkerchief driven into his face.
Married only two weeks, Patty Hearst and her bridegroom, Bernard Shaw, are already having difficulties. It’s a familiar story: She doesn’t like his friends, and he can’t stand her old Army buddies.
Bill Murray: Now, “Weekend Update” presents Part Two of the amazing comeback attempt of 41-year old Chico Escuela. We took our cameras down to St. Petersburg, Florida to cover an exhibition game between the Mets and the world champion New York Yankees. Let’s go to the film.[ cut to film, with SUPER: “AL LANG STADIUM, St. Petersburg, Fla., April 2, 1979” ]
Bill Murray V/O: It was a beautiful Florida evening, when thousands of emotional fans packed into St. Pete’s Al Lang Stadium to cheer the comeback of Chico Escuela.[ on film, Chico approaches fans and signs pennants ]
Bill Murray V/O: Tonight against the Bronx Bombers, in the ultimate test. If Chico does well, he has a great chance of making the Mets. If not, he’ll either have to rejoin us here at the Update news desk, or go back to smuggling dope in the Dominican Republic.
Bill Murray V/O: Batting in his familiar lead-off spot, Chico looks ridiculous on the first offering from the bionic southpaw of Tommy John. But the next pitch is a frozen rope to left field for Base Nine.
Foley singles to right; Chico coming on around the third!
And then, watch this: Chico’s patented pachango on third base upsets Tommy John, who isn’t ready for the suicide squeeze![ Chico slides into home base ]
Bill Murray V/O: He’s inside, he’s safe!
And the man they call El Bandito del los Vasquez, gives the Mets an early lead!
It’s Ecuela again, in the top of the 5th! This time in the field, putting the kibosh on a Yankee rally, with an almost spastic diving style! With every inning, this crowd grows more enthusiastic for this 41-year old Latino who has stopped the hands of time in the dirt behind second base!
Between innings, I rapped with Yankee third baseman Craigy Nettles —[ cut to Bill interviewing Nettles ]
Craig Nettles: You know, people tell me I’m a pretty fair third baseman, but I don’t think I can shine Chico Escuela’s shoes.[ return to game footage ]
Bill Murray V/O: Back to the game — bottom of the 9th! Mets down, 6-3, and it’s Chico’s bat that has the final say! An error with two outs — load the bases for Chico. Hey! Somebody stop this fairy tale ending! [ Chico bats the ball ] Too late! Grand slam, Escuela![ the crowd cheers “Chi-co! Chi-co! Chi-co!!” ]
Bill Murray V/O: St. Petersburg goes nuts!
And, after the game, the fans won’t quit! They scream out their affection! Hall-of-Famer Willie Mays presents Chico with an oil portrait of Julian Bond wearing a Mets uniform![ return to Bill in the studio ]
Bill Murray: Incredible! Well, as you probably know, Chico MADE the Mets squad this year, and “Weekend Update” wishes him only the best during the ’79 season. Next time, we’ll have a progress report on the success of the lovable 41-year old Latino with the grin-eating grin. Incredible!I recently got a lot of mail here, uh, from some listeners of WGN in Chicago, poiting out to me that Anita Bryant was 31-year old a couple of years ago. It’s hard to believe, because she doesn’t look it, and, besides, Anita and I once had a thing. And, uh — it’s hard to believe, but she’s completely different than she is now. You know, she’s soft-spoken now, and I have to say it’s so hypocritical of her because — if I told you some of the things… that she used to… BEG me to do. [ the audience screams with delight ] It’s incredible! Because, Anita, I’m CALLING you on it: When we went out, you drank nothing but apple juice and you KNOW it! There. I have to say it — a lot of water under the bridge — but it’s me, Anita, so don’t try to fool me, alright?
Jane Curtin: Soviet scientists are preparing to start up a brand new nuclear reactor power plant in Russia’s Ural Mountains. A Soviet spokesman said that they feel safe in gonig ahea,d now that they’ve gotten the bugs out of their test model in Pennsylvania.
Bill Murray: In Britain, where political campaigns are often a source of unmistakably British wit, we have this from Prime Minister James Callahan. Commenting on the likely defeat of his Labor Party by the Toeies in the upcoming British election, Callahan quipped: “When I congratulate Mrs. Thatcher, I won’t know whether to clasp her hand or hand her a clasp!” [ Bill chuckles ] When asked to explain his joke, Callahan replied: “By the term ‘clasp’, I mean, of course, a paper clip, such as might be used to hold together the various important papers and documents which, as Prime Minister, Mrs. Thatcher would very likely be handling.” [ Bill chuckles again ] There’ll always be an England!
You know — this surprised me. Demographic studies have shown that only 7.8% of teenage viewers watch the news. Ouch! That hurts. Well, in an attempt to lure some of you kids, we wanted to introduce a girl with some pretty hip credentials on the music scene to talk to you. She’s written for every magazine, from Tiger Beat to Slash Magazine. And now, let’s welcome her. A new member of the Update team — rock critic Z Jones. Z? Nice to have you here.
Z Jones: Hi. I’m Z Jones. Okay. Tonight, we’ll be talking about who’s hot… and who’s hot. I hope I get this out before those ‘ludes kick in. Okay! Who’s Hot? Elvis Costello is very, very hot right now. Alright? Dos everybody like him? Right! [ the audience claps ] Really! I mean, the first two albums: dynamite, right? But now, Elvis is beginning to believe his own hype, and THAT is death for the creative artist. I mean, it should be no news to anyone that Elvis is one of the most obnoxious and derivitive talents around.
I mean, take his song on the second album — This Year’s Model — called “This Year’s Girl”. Okay? Here’s the opening drum line. It goes: “Ka-chum — cheee! Cheee — ka-chum — cheee! Cheee — ka-chum!” Okay, you got that? Now, “Ticket to Ride” by THe Beatles: [ she repeats the beat at a higher speed, then sings: ] “I think I’m gonna be sad / I think it’s todayyyyy — ka-chum — cheee!” Same thing! I’m sorry, okay? So! Where is the real Elvis? I mean, he’s got Elvis Presley’s first name… Lou Costello’s last name… and Buddy Holly’s glasses. I mean, there’s no law that says a punk can’t wear contact lenses, okay?
Now, listen — Elvis’ manager, Jake Riviera, Stiff Records. Wise up, Jake, or Elvis is gonna be thinking up fifty ways to leave his manager. You know, like in that song by Paul, uh — uh — [ thinking ] oh, it’s not Williams… ha, I can’t believe I’ve blacked out on this on TV! It must be those ‘ludes.
Bill Murray: Uh, Z? We’re running a little short on time. You have any final words so we can wrap it up?
Z Jones: [ flipping through her note pages ] Well, I have all these notes left that I guess could wait until next week.
Bill Murray: Great! Okay. Part Two next week, then —
Z Jones: But there’s one thing, Bill, I just want to add — just a second. Jake, tell Elvis to contact me if he wants the number of a dynamite psychic. This guy did this reading for Peter Tosh — I mean, after that, Peter grew the Stones like a magnet! Tell him to give me a call — 555-2391. I’m not kidding!
Bill Murray: And, uh — if you’re not Jake Riviera, you’re on the Honor System NOT to call and harrass this girl. Thanks very much. Okay, thank you, Z Jones. Take care.[ Bill pulls up a bust of King Tut onto the news desk ]
Bill Murray: Well, the treasures of Tutankhamun have been at the New York Metropolitan Museum of Art since last December. It closes tomorrow — over a million and a quarter people have visted the exhibit, which will move on to San Francisco from here. For all New Yorkers, I would like to say a special goodbye to King Tut:[ singing ]“Ahhhhh, Tut-Tut-Tut-Tutsie, goodbye!
So, Tut-Tut-Tutsie, don’t cry!
Ahhh, kiss me, Tuttie!” [ Bill tips the statue over and kisses it hard on the lips ]
“Won’t you do it over again?”[ Bill forces the statue upon himself for a kiss ]
“Tut-Tut-Tutsie, don’t cry!
Bill Murray: You nut! Get outta here! Back into the sarcophagous! Yeah, and uh — you want to say hello to your mummy for me when you get back there? [ he laughs ] Jane?
Jane Curtin: That’s the news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.