SNL Transcripts: Michael Palin: 05/12/79: Mr. Bill Runs Away


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 18

78r: Michael Palin / James Taylor

Mr. Bill Runs Away

(Scene opens with a shot of NYC. At a street there’s a sign that says “You Are Now Leaving New York City” on a post. Below it are Mr. Bill and Spot. Both are wearing disguises and have bags tied to sticks.)

Mr. Bill: Psst. Hey kids. It’s me Mr. Bill. You may not recegonize me because I’m traveling incognito so that Mr. Hands can’t find us. You know I figured me and Spot aren’t too safe around him anymore. So kids I hope you’re ready to have fun today because we’re all gonna run away from home! Yay! Oh boy and here comes a car! (Sticks his thumb out.) Maybe we can hitch a ride! Yay! (The car stops) Thanks for stopping! Yay! (The driver revs up the engine over so that Mr. Bill coughs on all the smoke. It’s Mr. Hands! And he gets out of the car.)

Mr. Hands: Say Mr. Bill is that you?

Mr. Bill: No–uh No it’s not me.

Mr. Hands: Oh it is you! I’ve been worried sick about you Mr. Bill. I hope there hasn’t been any misunderstanding between us.

Mr. Bill: I didn’t think you liked us anymore.

Mr. Hands: Come on. Let’s shake hands. (Squeezes Mr. Bill’s hand)

Mr. Bill: No Ohhhhhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: And it’ll be like old times again.

Mr. Bill: Oh why why!

Mr. Hands: Now come on hop up in the car and I’ll give you a ride home.

Mr. Bill: Ok but please drive carefully Mr. Hands!

Mr. Hands: Ok but first we need to buckle up for safety (fastens the seat belt around Mr. Bill.)

Mr. Bill: Ok but not too tight. Wha– That’s too tight! (Loses his disguise) Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Let me take a cab home huh?

Mr. Hands: No I’m a good driver.

Mr. Bill: But wait we forgot Spot.

Mr. Hands: Oh that’s right. Let’s go pick him up (Puts the car in reverse and runs over spot)

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: (Places the flattened Spot in the car) Make sure he sits still.

Mr. Bill: Oh poor Spot! Oh why why!

Mr. Hands: Never mind because we’d better step on it so that we don’t get caught in rush hour traffic.

Mr. Bill: Don’t drive too fast Mr. Hands.

Mr. Hands: (Sees Sluggo sticking his thumb out.) Oh look a hitchhiker! Let’s give him a ride. It’s good to help all people in need.

Mr. Bill: No! He’s going to be mean to me!

Mr. Hands: Don’t worry Mr. Bill. We’ll make Sluggo sit in the back seat. (Moves the back up the front seat forward crushing Mr. Bill)

Mr. Bill: No wait no. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

(Later Mr. Hands is driving up a mountain.)

Mr. Bill: Uh say Mr. Hands. This doesn’t look like the way home.

Mr. Hands: Oh I decided to take a shortcut. You’ll be home in no time (Starts driving faster.)

Mr. Bill: No wait these mountain roads are too dangerous!

Mr. Hands: Say that’s right. I better go check the tires. Here why don’t you take the wheel for a minute. (Takes off the steering wheel and hands it to Mr. Bill)

Mr. Bill: No but you know I can’t drive! I don’t even have a license! No!

Mr. Hands: (Leaves the car with Sluggo) Make sure you keep your eyes on the road Mr. Bill!

Mr. Bill: No don’t leave me! (The car drives off a cliff and tumbles down the hill exploding in the process.) Ohhhhh No!Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: See you next time when Mr. Bill goes to the hospital. Bye Bye!

Submitted by: Nick Johnson

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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