Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 18
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray
Chico Escuela…..Garrett Morris
Margaret Thatcher…..Michael Palin
Father Guido Sarducci…..Don Novello
Jane Curtin: Ernest Borgnine and Ethel Merman remarry. This story and more on “Weekedn Update”, next.
[ fade out, then in ]
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Here are anchorpersons Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.
Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin. Here now, the news.
Our top story tonight: President Carter expressed anger and shock after the House of Representatives rejected his standby gasoline rationing plan, and challenged the House to come up with its own plan. Well, Republican Minority Leader John Rhoades reportedly has developed a new plan, whereby only white people can get gas. Mulattos and Orientals would be allowed to fill their tanks halfway, but only with regular.
NASA, the National Aeronomics and Space Agency, says that Skylab, a 77-ton space laboratory, is losing its orbit and will hurtle toward Earth between now and September. 500 pieces of the vessel will survive re-entry, the largest weighing 5,000 pounds, with many more over 1,000 pounds. NASA doesn’t know where any of these lethal fireballs will crash to Earth, but it is hoped that most of them will land on NASA Headquarters in Houston.
Jane Curtin: Bill?
Bill Murray: Costumed laboratiory mice, chanting “Hare Krishna! Hare Krishna! Hare Rama! Hare Rama!” broke out of their cages at Duke University yesterday, commandered golf carts from a nearby course, and went for a 48-hour spree through downtown Durham, North Carolina, shattering store windows, screaming mouse insults, and shimmying unashamedly to a combination of disco music and punk rock. There were no arrests made.
Well, it looks like age has finally caught up with Chico Escuela. The 42-year-old former Met made the Mets’ Spring Training, but once the season began, it was a different story.
[ cut to footage of Chico performing poorly at Spring Training ]
As if his entire body betrayed him, Chico looks spastic and bewildered, both at bat and in the field. Ground balls that Chico would have easily gotten in his prime, eluded him and contributed to the Mets’ slow start this season. Although the crowds were always behind the former hero, he never ceased to disappoint them. As the spirit was willing, Chico’s arms, legs, eyes and reflexes were shot to hell.. and then, this.. [ baseball hits Chico in the crotch ] ..to add insult to injury, a crushing blow off the bat of Dodger Steve Garvey. After being revived, a now sterile Chico Escuela informed the Mets that he was quitting baseball. Thus ends the inspiring saga of Chico Escuela. Chico will rejoin us here at the “Weekend Update” desk as soon as he catches his breath. Jane?
Jane Curtin: The New York State Health Department said that DES, a drug taken by pregnant mothers to prevent miscarriages, causes cancer in their children. As a public service, “Weekend Update” proclaims that any child whose mom has taken DES doesn’t have to buy her a Mother’s Day gift tomorrow.
Last week, Britain elected Margaret Thatcher to be the first woman Prime Minister in European history. Right now, “Weekend Update” is bouncing a live signal between our studios and #10 Downing Street, London, where Prime Minister Thatcher is waiting to talk to us. [ Thatcher appears on the screen behind Jane ] Mrs. Prime Minister, can you hear me?
Margaret Thatcher: Yes, yes, I can, Jane.
Jane Curtin: Well, first of all, our congratulations on becomingGreat Britain’s first woman Prime Minister.
Margaret Thatcher: Well, thank you, Jane. Throughout our history, Great Britain has been blessed by several great women leaders – Queen Elizabeth, Queen Victoria, Jeremy Faulk..
Jane Curtin: Mrs. Thatcher, during the campaign, you stopped wearing those outlandish hats you were known for. Now that you’ve been elected, do you plan to start wearing hats again?
Margaret Thatcher: [ laughing ] What are you talking about, Jane? This is a hat! Yes, it’s my lucky hat. I wore it all throughout the campaign.
Jane Curtin: I see.. Well, turning to more serious matters, Mrs. Prime Minister, are you going to reverse England’s Rhodesia policy and lift sanctions against the new government?
Margaret Thatcher: Yes. Yes, I am leaning that way, Jane. After all, there was an election – one person, one vote. Now, I ask you..
Jane Curtin: Uh, excuse me.. it wasn’t exactly “one person, onevote”. The whites were obviously..
Margaret Thatcher: Yes. Can I just finish? There is an internal settlement, there is a black Prime Minister elected in a Democratic election..
Jane Curtin:Uh.. not really Democratic. The internal settlement..
Margaret Thatcher: May I finish..?
Jane Curtin: The internal settlement guaranteed the whites adisproportionate number of seats in Parliament, enough to veto anymeaningful change in the next ten years! Whites will continue to control the Police, the Army, the Civil Service, housing.. perpetuating the system of oppresion that fuels the fire of revolution, and creates a breeding ground for Soviet expansionism!
Margaret Thatcher: Jane, you are an ignorant slut.
Jane Curtin: Thank you, Prime Minster Thatcher, for joining us tonight.
Bill Murray: As Salt II approaches, rumors about Soviet Premier Brezhnev’s health have increased. It was revealed yesterday that Vienna was chosen for the talks because the ailing Soviet leader would only have to take an easy train ride. Here, in a party meeting, Brezhnev grabs a fellow member for support.
This week — May 10th, to be exact — marked the 80th birthday of one of our idols, Fred Astaire. He was born in 1899, which means he’s actually older than the 20th Century. And this one is for you, Fred, from all of us.
[ Bill and Jane put on top hats and take out a pair of dancing canes ]
Jane and Bill: [ singing ]
“Birthday. Happy birthday.
Though your dancing shoes are showing wear and tear
You have reached the big 8-0, and you’re still there.
So I wish Happy Birthday, Fred Astaire.”
Jane Curtin: Astronomers are baffled over a new peculiar star that has been spotted in the sky. And here with a report, is our friend Father Guido Sarducci. Father?
Father Guido Sarducci: Thank you. Thank you very much!
Jane Curtin: Excuse me, Father, I noticed your not wearing your red stripes. Did something happen, you weren’t promoted to Monsignor?
Father Guido Sarducci: Well, it was.. it was just postponed a little bit, Jane. They said there was some problem with the paperwork, and I’d have to wait for the next group. I don’t know if they’re giving me a ring around bush, what’s going on, I’ll tell you. I think I’m-a gonna be promoted soon, because I came up with a great idea, and I think they’re gonna like it and promote me right away.
Jane Curtin: What was the idea?
Father Guido Sarducci: It’s called the Shrine-Mobile. The Shrine-Mobile. I was in-a this-a big-a meeting, you know? And there was all these cardinals, and the bishops, and they was all-a really down and depressed, you know.. because they just got this-a report back, and it said that the take in the shrines is off-a 55%. And-a the reason is because-a the price of gasoline is so expensive – it’s $2.50 a gallon. People just-a can’t afford to drive down to the shrines, you know? So I said to them, “Where’s that ol’ walk-on-water spirit?” You know, Procter & Gamble wouldn’t take it sitting down. You know, if the people can’t-a drive to the shrines, you drive-athe shrines to the people. You know, I figured you get in these old trucks, put the statues on the back, put some rocks around the statues, put some candles down by the feet, you know? You get the seminarians to drive – you can pay ’em peanuts. I figure if we could make like $100 a truck a month, you get 100 trucks, it’s nothing to sneeze-a your nose at, you know? So it’s gonna to be good for me.
[ gets to his commentary ]
Well, there’s this-a new planet that they spotted. It’s gonna be something, it’s got these-a astronomers baffled in the house. [ holds up photo of the galaxy ] This is it right-a here, I hope-a you can-a see it. They call it SS-433, and they found out it’s-a coming toward Earth at 30,000 miles a second. But.. it’s also going away from Earth at 30,000 miles a second. It seems-a to be coming and-a going. It just breaks all the laws of physics, they don’t know what to make of it. So I went to the-a Vatican library, looked up these old archives – you know we’ve been-a involved with astronomy and astrology for years and years , hundreds of years. And, I did-a find it, in-a this old book. The planet was called Vienne et Viennu Planet.. it means A-Coming and A-Going Planet.. and the book says that there is life there, and it’s-a very interesting. It says that everyone there lives to be 200 years old. But it’s not like they get to be real old.. what happens is, they get to 100, then they start going back again. It’s like, 70, 80, 90, 100.. then, 90, 80, 70, 60.. then you’re like a teenager again, then you know a kid again, and then you know..you have to go back. I understand this-a little article says it’s even-a more tramautic than-a being born. And what’s interesting – people on this planet, just from looking at one another, they can’t tell who’s-a coming and who’s-a going. So, like, maybe two peple meet, they’re 20 years old, a fellow and a girl. They’re 20, and first you know, he’s 22 and she’s 18.. then, you know, he’s-a 25 and she’s-a 15.. and you know pretty soon you find yourselves in a lot of trouble, and then the first thing, you got a little baby on your hands, you know?
I read about this other planet, too, in the same book. [ holds out his fists ] It’s-a like, the sun is-a here and the Earth is-a here.. and on-a the other side-a of the sun, there’s this other planet we can’t see, you know, because the sun is-a blocking it from us.. but it’s-a just-a like-a the Earth in every single way, it’s like a mirror planet of Earth. There’s only one difference, and it’s that they eat-a corn on-a the cob-a like-a this.. [ demonstrates eating corn on the cob North-South instead of West-East ] That’s it! That’s the only difference. I’m not going there, you know, it’s-a too messy. I’m used to eating it-a like-a this.. [ demonstrates West-East eating structure ] I just don’t want-a change, habit like.
Well, it’s been-a more than-a wonderful spending a couple-a moments with you. Arreviderci, America!
Jane Curtin: That’s the news. Good night, and have a pleasant Mother’s Day.