SNL Transcripts: Maureen Stapleton: 05/19/79: Telepsychic Ray



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 19



78s: Maureen Stapleton / Linda Ronstadt, Phoebe Snow

Telepsychic Ray

Telepsychic Ray … Dan Aykroyd
Caller #1 … Laraine Newman
Caller #2 … John Belushi
Caller #3 … Bill Murray
Caller #4 … Jane Curtin
Caller #5 … Garrett Morris

[Ray, a blonde-haired, cigarette-smoking, oddlyaccented man — wearing a brown plaid jacket,ultra-wide shirt collar, and pink sunglasses — sitshunched in front of a pale brick wall beneath a signthat reads TELEPSYCHIC. A bank of telephones lies infront of him as he addresses the camera.]

Telepsychic Ray: Hi, welcome to Cable TV Channel D.This is Telepsychic. My name is Ray. I’ll be takingyour calls today. Here’s the numbers: 555-1231, 2, 3,and 4, and 5. Ask me about anything, about life,money, love — I’ll predict for ya, okay? [answersphone] Hello, Telepsychic.

Caller #1: Ah, yeah. I was, uh, wondering, uh, how oldam I gonna live to?

Telepsychic Ray: Um, I feel, uh, seventy-four. Okay?

Caller #1: Okay, yeah, thanks.

Telepsychic Ray: Okay, thank you. [hangs up, answersanother phone] Hello, Telepsychic.

Caller #2: Yeah, uh, is this Telepsychic?

Telepsychic Ray: Yeah, yeah, go ahead, you’re on live,go ahead.

Caller #2: Um, I have no proof but I got a feelin’ mywife Lucille might be cheating on me. I was wonderingif you have any thoughts on this.

Telepsychic Ray: Uh, I hate to be the one to tell youthis … but I’m getting an image which makes me thinkshe’s getting it on the side.

Caller #2: Oh, no. [savagely] Who is it?! I’ll killhim!

Telepsychic Ray: All I can tell you is a name — Dick.Okay?

Caller #2: Dick. Okay. Thank you.

Telepsychic Ray: All right. [hangs up, answers anotherphone] Hello, Telepsychic.

Caller #3: Is this Ray?

Telepsychic Ray: Yeah, this is Ray. You’re on, goahead.

Caller #3: Okay, about a year ago, I gave aconstruction company twelve thousand bucks downpayment to build my house …

Telepsychic Ray: Yeah.

Caller #3: … and, uh, they put in a basement and Igave them another twelve thousand bucks.

Telepsychic Ray: Yeah.

Caller #3: And they stopped construction lastSeptember and they won’t answer my phone calls now.

Telepsychic Ray: Uh huh.

Caller #3: Friend of mine tells me they’re goingbankrupt.

Telepsychic Ray: Yeah. Okay. When’s your birthday?

Caller #3: May … May twenty-fifth.

Telepsychic Ray: Well, you have this problem ’causethis is a bad time for you to do business.

Caller #3: So, uh, am I gonna get my money back?

Telepsychic Ray: Definitely not. No. Okay?

Caller #3: All right. Thank you.

Telepsychic Ray: [hangs up, answers another phone]Hello, Telepsychic. Go ahead.

Caller #4: Yeah, my brother left home and disappeared’bout ten years ago and we haven’t heard from him andI was wondering if you knew where he is.

Telepsychic Ray: Uh, yes. He was, uh, hit in the headwith a rock and, uh, eaten by large cats … and, uh,he was alone in Colorado, okay?

Caller #4: Okay, thank you.

Telepsychic Ray: Okay. [hangs up, answers anotherphone] Telepsychic. You’re on, go ahead.

Caller #5: Yeah, like, man, you know, my favorite TVshow is “Saturday Night Live” …

Telepsychic Ray: Yeah.

Caller #5: … you know? And I was wondering ifthey’re going to change the way they start the show.

Telepsychic Ray: No, no, it’s always gonna be “Livefrom New York, it’s Saturday night.”

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