SNL Transcripts: Maureen Stapleton: 05/19/79: Telepsychic Ray



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 19



78s: Maureen Stapleton / Linda Ronstadt, Phoebe Snow

Telepsychic Ray

Telepsychic Ray … Dan Aykroyd
Caller #1 … Laraine Newman
Caller #2 … John Belushi
Caller #3 … Bill Murray
Caller #4 … Jane Curtin
Caller #5 … Garrett Morris

[Ray, a blonde-haired, cigarette-smoking, oddlyaccented man — wearing a brown plaid jacket,ultra-wide shirt collar, and pink sunglasses — sitshunched in front of a pale brick wall beneath a signthat reads TELEPSYCHIC. A bank of telephones lies infront of him as he addresses the camera.]

Telepsychic Ray: Hi, welcome to Cable TV Channel D.This is Telepsychic. My name is Ray. I’ll be takingyour calls today. Here’s the numbers: 555-1231, 2, 3,and 4, and 5. Ask me about anything, about life,money, love — I’ll predict for ya, okay? [answersphone] Hello, Telepsychic.

Caller #1: Ah, yeah. I was, uh, wondering, uh, how oldam I gonna live to?

Telepsychic Ray: Um, I feel, uh, seventy-four. Okay?

Caller #1: Okay, yeah, thanks.

Telepsychic Ray: Okay, thank you. [hangs up, answersanother phone] Hello, Telepsychic.

Caller #2: Yeah, uh, is this Telepsychic?

Telepsychic Ray: Yeah, yeah, go ahead, you’re on live,go ahead.

Caller #2: Um, I have no proof but I got a feelin’ mywife Lucille might be cheating on me. I was wonderingif you have any thoughts on this.

Telepsychic Ray: Uh, I hate to be the one to tell youthis … but I’m getting an image which makes me thinkshe’s getting it on the side.

Caller #2: Oh, no. [savagely] Who is it?! I’ll killhim!

Telepsychic Ray: All I can tell you is a name — Dick.Okay?

Caller #2: Dick. Okay. Thank you.

Telepsychic Ray: All right. [hangs up, answers anotherphone] Hello, Telepsychic.

Caller #3: Is this Ray?

Telepsychic Ray: Yeah, this is Ray. You’re on, goahead.

Caller #3: Okay, about a year ago, I gave aconstruction company twelve thousand bucks downpayment to build my house …

Telepsychic Ray: Yeah.

Caller #3: … and, uh, they put in a basement and Igave them another twelve thousand bucks.

Telepsychic Ray: Yeah.

Caller #3: And they stopped construction lastSeptember and they won’t answer my phone calls now.

Telepsychic Ray: Uh huh.

Caller #3: Friend of mine tells me they’re goingbankrupt.

Telepsychic Ray: Yeah. Okay. When’s your birthday?

Caller #3: May … May twenty-fifth.

Telepsychic Ray: Well, you have this problem ’causethis is a bad time for you to do business.

Caller #3: So, uh, am I gonna get my money back?

Telepsychic Ray: Definitely not. No. Okay?

Caller #3: All right. Thank you.

Telepsychic Ray: [hangs up, answers another phone]Hello, Telepsychic. Go ahead.

Caller #4: Yeah, my brother left home and disappeared’bout ten years ago and we haven’t heard from him andI was wondering if you knew where he is.

Telepsychic Ray: Uh, yes. He was, uh, hit in the headwith a rock and, uh, eaten by large cats … and, uh,he was alone in Colorado, okay?

Caller #4: Okay, thank you.

Telepsychic Ray: Okay. [hangs up, answers anotherphone] Telepsychic. You’re on, go ahead.

Caller #5: Yeah, like, man, you know, my favorite TVshow is “Saturday Night Live” …

Telepsychic Ray: Yeah.

Caller #5: … you know? And I was wondering ifthey’re going to change the way they start the show.

Telepsychic Ray: No, no, it’s always gonna be “Livefrom New York, it’s Saturday night.”

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

avatar
  Subscribe  
Notify of