Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 20
78t: Buck Henry / Bette Midler
The Franken & Davis Show
…..Tom Davis
…..Al Franken
[ open on animated “The Franken & Davis Show” title card ]
Announcer: It’s time for “The Franken & Davis Show”, starring Al Franken and Tom Davis. And now, here’s Al and Tom!
[ dissolve to Hmoe Base stage, as Al and Tom step forward. Tom appears as himself, while Al appears dressed in traditional Hare Krishna garb ]
Tom Davis: Thank you! Thank you! Welcome to the show. This is the, uh — this is the first “Franken & Davis Show” that we’ve done in several months because, uh, my partner, Al, has been going through some changes.
Al Franken: That’s right, Tom. You see, up until now, I have spent most of my adult life in the decadent world of show business. and, believe me, I’ve done it all: the drugs, the promiscuity, uh, the eating meat, uh — did I mention drugs? And none of this brought me happiness. [ Tom begins to fidget ] And I’m proud now to say that… I have found… inner peace through the teachings of Krishna. And Krishna consciousness has actually… helped… my comedy. And… I think I can say now that I have… a perfect knowledge… of what is funny.
Tom Davis: But, uh — but we are still the same old team of Franken & Davis, and —
Al Franken: Uh, Tom… Tom… Actually, from now on, we’re the comedy team of Ahjnudpippibod and Davis.
Tom Davis: Okay. Well, let’s, uh — let’s just jump into it!
Al Franken: Okay. [ to the audience ] I know all of you love it… when comedians do jokes on TV about the differences between Los Angeles and New York. Uh, but blieve me, the differences are even greater… between New York and Bombay!
Tom Davis: You know, that’s the nutty thing about the Big Apple. Here, we have crazy taxi drivers who step into the street and you take your life in your hands.
Al Franken: But, in Bombay… you cross the street… and you get hit… by a cow! [ he smiles ] It’s crazy!
Tom Davis: I was — I was right. These do not work. These jokes are not working.
Al Franken: They loved that joke, Tom. These people loved that.
Tom Davis: Would you listen? They’re supposed to be laughing, not meditating! This Krishna thing is interfering with our act!
Al Franken: Tom —
Tom Davis: Your appearance is distracting!
Al Franken: Tom… Tom… don’t be ridiculous. These people don’t care what I look like. This is simply my external appearance. Uh, what they care about is the humor… that comes through. Let’s just continue with the routine. Let’s do the baseball routine, I’m sure they’ll love it.
Tom Davis: Alright. [ he reaches down to grab a microphone ] Ladies and gentlemen, it’s basball season again, and we’d like to take you to a very special interview at Yankee Stadium.
[ Al grabs a baseball mitt and inserts chew in his mouth ]
Tom Davis: This is Bonnie Johnson, reporting from Yankee Stadium, and I’m talking here with Peppy Starr, utility outfielder for the Yankees, who we understand is about to be sent back down to the Minors. No — Franken, this is not working! Not for an INSTANT do I believe you’re a baseball player! Forget it! Forget it!
Al Franken: Tom, I think you’re hung up on the material. Uh — my body is temperal.
Tom Davis: Yeah.
Al Franken: My life spirit will live on long after my body has died. That’s why I shaved my head, remember, to renounce the material.
Tom Davis: Right…
Al Franken: Also, by the way, it’s a good for head lice… and I’d recommend that everyone do it. But, Tom, these people don’t care about the way I look. They… they all love me because… they feel my spiritual life force come through the comedy. Isn’t that right, everybody? Don’t you all love me?
[ light applause, as some women yell: “Nooo! Nooo!” ]
Tom Davis: LISTEN to that!! You see what I mean? They — they think you’re ridiculous! They don’t want to hear about this!! They —
Al Franken: Well, Tom… all these people, except for one, or two, people here are obviously… hung up and stuck… on a material plane.
Tom Davis: Alright… [ he wanders off stage ]
Al Franken: And I know all of you are miserable, uh, because of that. And I want you to… try to get in touch with your spiritual self, so you can feel some joy instead of that misery… that you all feel. Now, I want you to chant these words. I’ll say them, and then, after I’m done, please repeat with me: “Hare Krishna… Hare Krishna… Krishna Krishna… Hare Hare! Hare Rama… Hare Rama… Rama Rama… Krishna Krishna!” Okay? Everybody! “Hare Kri –” Come on, everybody!
[ Tom leans in, pulls Al’s ponytail back and snips it off with a pair of scissors ]
[ the audience applauds wildly ]
Al Franken: [ meekly ] Why’d you do that?
Tom Davis: I thought it was —
Al Franken: [ with much fury ] WHY’D YOU DO THAT FOR?!!
Tom Davis: Well, it was funny! A spontaneous little — I mean, I picked it up —
Al Franken: Now I’m gonna look like a BUDDHIST!! I mean, Buddhists are BALD!! I’m gonna be walking down the street, people are gonna be pointing at me, they’re gonna make fun of me!! They’re gonna say, “There goes a BUDDHIST!!”
Tom Davis: Well, hey, people don’t —
Al Franken: I HATE BUDDHISTS!!
Tom Davis: People don’t care what you are —
Al Franken: Oh, yeah?!!
[ Al and Tom break out the fisticuffs and begin pummeling one another ]
[ dissolve to title card ]
Announcer: Al and Tom will be right back after this message.
[ cut to product slide ]
Announcer: “The Franken & Davis Show” was brought to you by Godhead Incense, for the smell of nirvana right here on earth. Buy now from Godhead. And now, here’s Al and Tom!
[ dissolve back to Al and Tom smiling and waving at the camera ]
Al Franken: Good night, everybody!
Tom Davis: Good night!
Al Franken: Good night!
[ fade ]
