Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 20
78t: Buck Henry / Bette Midler
Not For Transsexuals Only
Joan Face … Jane Curtin
Lynn Hagstrom … Laraine Newman
Chris Randolph … Buck Henry
[GRAPHIC: NOT FOR TRANSSEXUALS ONLY – MUSIC: “BothSides Now”: “I’ve looked at life from both sides now /From give and take / And still somehow …” – Dissolve to talk show set and host Joan Face.]
Joan Face: Good evening and welcome to “Not ForTranssexuals Only” — I’m Joan Face. Our guests todayare both recent transsexuals. First, Chris Randolph,one of thousands of men who have opted for womanhood.[bespectacled guy in a wig, blouse and pantsuit withlegs crossed] And Mr. Lynn Hagstrom, one of the fewwomen ever to become a man. [mustachioed woman wearingnecktie, legs spread apart] Lynn, yours was anextremely unusual operation. Can you tell us aboutit?
Lynn Hagstrom: Uh, yeah, Joan. It wasn’t easy.I had to wait a year and a half until they found amale donor with the same color hair.
Joan Face: And, uh, for our donors’information, ah, that – that – uh – or for ourviewers’ information, that donor was, ah, Ms.Randolph. Lynn, what’s it like suddenly beingmale?
Lynn Hagstrom: Well, it’s, uh, it’s quite anadjustment, I’d say. In my case, a bigadjustment.
Chris Randolph: Thank you.
Joan Face: Chris, do you feel that you gavemore to Lynn than – than he gave you?
Chris Randolph: Well, well, I did but I wasglad to give it to someone who wanted it and who wouldtake good care of it. I hate the idea of somethinglike that going to waste.
Lynn Hagstrom: Yeah, and I – I did take Chrisout for dinner.
Chris Randolph: In my case, a big dinner.[giggles girlishly]
Joan Face: Then we can conclude that you twosee each other socially.
Lynn Hagstrom: Oh, sure, but we’re just goodfriends.
Chris Randolph: We’ve decided not to getemotionally involved because when I’m around Lynn Ifeel sort of – detached.
Joan Face: Lynn, what was the first change thatyou noticed after the operation?
Lynn Hagstrom: Well, you know I get paid morefor doing the same job?
Joan Face: Well, uh, have – have either of youhad any second thoughts about switchinggenders?
Chris Randolph: Not at all. I love this year’sclothes. The colors are so gutsy.
Joan Face: And how ’bout you, Lynn? Anyregrets?
Lynn Hagstrom: Well, I think I miss gettingtaken out to dinner and having my cigarettes lit forme and – being slapped around a little.
Joan Face: Chris, what are your plans for thefuture?
Chris Randolph: Well, I guess I’m just anold-fashioned girl, Joan. I’m looking for Mr.Right.
Joan Face: And Lynn?
Lynn Hagstrom: Well, Joan, I’d like to, uh,pork as many broads as possible and … then settledown with the one who really loves me.
Chris Randolph: Say, Joan, I’ve alwayswondered. Why are you the host of “Not ForTranssexuals Only”?
Joan Face: Well, I used to be Edd “Kookie”Byrnes. That’s it for this week. This is Joan Facesaying: join us again next week on “Not ForTranssexuals Only” when our guests will be CarolChanning and Wayne Newton.
[Applause. MUSIC: “Both Sides Now” – Joan shakesChris’ hand as we slowly zoom in on sign at back ofset that reads: NOT FOR TRANSSEXUALS ONLY. Dissolve tobumper photo of Buck Henry inprofile.]
Submitted Anonymously
