Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 20
Mr. Dantley…..Buck Henry
Mr. Dantley: Afternoon! Could someone help me?[ Baker turns around behind counter, revealing himself as the Samurai, complete with puffy baker’s hat atop his head ] [ dissolve up title card ]
Announcer: It’s time for another episode of.. “Samurai Bakery”!
Mr. Dantley: Boy, am I glad you’re still open! You know, my brother is getting married tomorrow; I’m the best man, and like a dope, I forgot to order the wedding cake.[ Samurai extends his sword angrily, pointing at the “Take A Number” ticket dispenser ]
Mr. Dantley: Oh, okay. [ tears a number ticket and waits ] [ Samurai clicks machine to reveal Number 97, and repeatedly calls out the number in Japanese gibberish; when no one responds, Samurai clicks to Number 98 and calls out ]
Mr. Dantley: Yeah! Now.. I need a wedding cake.. [ notices a beautiful graduation cake on the counter ] Oh, ooh-ooh – that cake would be perfect! Listen, can you just.. take the, take the graduate off the top, and.. and.. and put on a little bride and groom?[ Samurai points to his watch as he speaks in Japanese gibberish ]
Mr. Dantley: Ah. What time were they supposed to pick it up?[ Samurai points to the 6 on his watch to indicate six o’clock ]
Mr. Dantley: Ooh.. ooh, what a nice watch! That’s great looking! Swiss! I have a Seiko, myself. It’s one of those Japanese-[ Samurai spits in disgust and pulls his eyes back into a squint; he makes a Swiss cuckoo sound and points to the superiority of his own watch ]
Mr. Dantley: Yeah. Well, I know what you mean. [ points to his watch ] Look, look – it’s after six o’clock now. Why can’t I have that cake? It’s real important, honestly.. No, huh? [ pulls a large bill out of his wallet ] Well, uh.. I guess you wouldn’t be interested in, uh.. say a.. bribe of some kind, huh?[ Samurai angrily expels his sword, slicing the graduate peg from the cake, and carefully replaces it with a bride and groom peg; Samurai then wipes the excess icing off his sword with a cloth ]
Mr. Dantley: That’s good! It’s going to make a young couple very, very happy! [ helps Samurai slide the cake across the counter, onto another flat surface ] I can’t believe that my brother is getting hitched after all these years. You know.. I introduced my brother to his fiancee.[ curious, points from Mr. Dantley to the bride peg on the cake ]
Mr. Dantley: Mmm-hmm..[ Samurai squeezes glaze from the tip of his sword, decorating the top of the cake ]
Mr. Dantley: Oh.. oh, that’s real nice! [ continuing his story ] As a matter of fact, I not only introduced him to his fiancee.. I used to go out with her myself.[ intrigued, the Samurai motions his sword up and down in his case to congratulate Mr. Dantley on his former relationship with his brother’s fiancee ]
Mr. Dantley: [ laughing ] Well, that could be our little secret! By the way, what kind of cake is that under all that whipped cream? Is that chocolate?
Samurai: [ shakes head ] Mmm-mmm.
Mr. Dantley: Devil’s food?
Samurai: [ shakes head ] Mmm-hmm.
Mr. Dantley: What?[ Samurai motions his hands in a foppish manner ]
Mr. Dantley: Oh, fruit cake! My favorite! Boy, it’s really a beauty. You.. you are a master baker!
Samurai: Hmm?? [ looks up, insulted at what he thought he heard, then relaxes ]
Mr. Dantley: How much do I owe you?[ Saurai determines the price on his sword, giving the total to Mr. Dantley ]
Mr. Dantley: Terrific. [ pays up ] Now, listen, here’s the problem. How am I gonna carry that cake home? Because I have to walk six blocks to get to my house.[ not a problem for the Samurai, who who grabs the cake in one hand, and flat, unopened boxes wrapped with string in his other hand, then tosses them both into the air, extracting his sword from his holder and swinging at the cake and boxes as they crash to the floor; Samurai then reaches behind the counter and pulls up the cake, now individually boxed by layer and ties with string ]
Mr. Dantley: Ah! Thank you![ dissolve up title card ]
Announcer: Tune in next week, for another episode of.. “Samurai Bakery”![ fade ]