Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 5: Episode 1
October 13th, 1979
The Pope at MonsterdomeSummary: Pope John Paul II’s (Steve Martin) doorman (Garrett Morris) turns clergy away during his visit to the Monsterdome.
Recurring Characters: Jerry Aldini, Pope John Paul II.
Steve Martin’s MonologueSummary: Steve Martin dances along to “Stompin’ At The Savoy” while encompassed by strobe lights.
Craig’s Traveler’s ChecksSummary: You can enjoy a worry-free vacation even if you lose Craig’s (Jim Downey) Traveler’s Checks, because he never leaves his apartment.
Spanish TutorSummary: A Spanish tutor’s (Steve Martin) eagerness to give free lessons on a door-to-door basis turns out to be a ploy to use a couple’s (Bill Murray, Gilda Radner) bathroom.
The VandalsSummary: A Centurion (Steve Martin) confronts a juvenile delinquent Vandal (Al Franken) caught in the act by his guards.
Blondie performs “Dreaming”
RiseSummary: Steve Martin demonstrates how he avoids bathroom germs by hovering above the toilet.
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) shows off his Pope merchandise and announces his Find the Popes in the Pizza contest.
Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.
Great Moments In Rock HistorySummary: Carole King (Laraine Newman) sings “You’ve Got a Friend”, while her own friend Henry (Steve Martin) is mugged in front of her apartment.
Recurring Characters: Don Kirschner.
The David Susskind ShowSummary: Witnesses discuss Hamilton Jordan’s cocaine use.
Recurring Characters: David Susskind, Audrey Peart Dickman.
Blondie performs “The Hardest Part”
The Bolshoi BalletSummary: Russian security keeps a vigilant eye on the Bolshai Ballet Company’s performance to make sure none of the dancers defects during the production.
The All New Mr. Bill ShowSummary: In an attempt to host an all-new show without Mr. Hands, Mr. Bill redecorates with a disco ball and shows filmed footage of his disastrous summer on the beach.
What The Hell Is That?Summary: A pair of wandering tourists (Steve Martin, Bill Murray) gaze toward the studio audience and wonder what it is they’re looking at.