SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 10/13/79: The All-New Mr. Bill Show


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 1

79a: Steve Martin / Blondie

The All-New Mr. Bill Show

Mr. Bill: Hi, and welcome to the “All-New Mr. Bill Show”! with an all-new cast! Yayyyyyy!! You know.. that mean ol’ Sluggo and Mr. Hands won’t be back this season, because I think they were holding us back. But don’t worry, kids, because we’re gonna do a lot of fun things. Yayyyyyyy!! Say, to help start off the festivities, here’s my co-host, and my best friend – Spot! Yayyyyyy!!!

[ Spot barks ]

Mr. Bill: [ laughing ] Spot says it fits the flea perfectly! Spot, you’re so funny! And now, kids, I’d like to introduce you to a new guest on the show. She’s really versatile, witty and cute, and I met her on the beach this summer – let’s hear it for Miss Sally! Yayyyyyy!!

[ Miss Sally is revealed ]

Mr. Bill: Say, Miss Sally.. I wanted to show the kids some movies of how we met at the beach this summer.

Miss Sally: [ excited ] Okay!

Mr. Bill: Oh, great! So, will you roll the film now, please? [ the film doesn’t start ] Uhhh.. the film, please? Could you roll it?

[ Mr. Hands reaches into the scene carrying a film projector ]

Mr. Hands: Say, Mr. Bill.. I’m returning the protector I borrowed. Oops!

[ drops the projector on Miss Sally ]

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhh! Sally, ohhhh! Mr. Hands! Didn’t I tell you to quit coming over here? Huh?

[ Spot barks ]

Mr. Bill: Yeah! And, you know, we were having the best show ever until you showed up!

Mr. Hands: But Mr. Bill, I heard you were showing home movies tonight.

Mr. Bill: Well, I’m not in the mood any more!

Mr. Hands: Oh, come on. Help me plug it in.

Mr. Bill: [ with his arm casually resting on the projector reel ] Ohhh, no. You just want to shock me! Well, I’m not falling for that one again!

Mr. Hands: Okay. I’ll do it.

[ Mr. Hands plugs in the projector, which slices off Mr. Bill’s arm when the reels begins to spin ]

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhh!!!

[ the film begins to play, showing Mr. Bill and Spot at the beach with Mr. Hands ]

Mr. Hands V/O: Ah, what a beautiful day that was, when we went to the beach at Coney Island.

Mr. Bill: Oh, goodie! Oh boy, we’re gonna have fun today at the beach!

Mr. Hands: Say, Mr. Bill, let’s toss the frisbee.

Mr. Bill: But I’m busy right now!

Mr. Hands: Oh.. okay. I’ll play with Spot. Here, Spot! Catch the frisbee!

[ Mr. Hands tosses the frisbee, which slices Spot’s head off ]

Mr. Bill: Oh, no! Spot, oh!

[ Mr. Hands brings Miss Sally onto the beach scene ]

Mr. Hands: Oh, say, Mr. Bill.. this nice, young lady returned your frisbee.

Mr. Bill: Oh gee, thanks, Miss. Would you like to stay for lunch? Huh?

Miss Sally: Okay.

Mr. Bill: Oh, good! Say, Mr. Hands.. uh.. do we have any more food in the basket, huh?

Mr. Hands: Gee, I don’t know.. why don’t you check?

[ Mr. Hands holds Mr. Bill up to the open picnic basket ]

Mr. Bill: Oh, okay.. gee.. there’s nothing left.

Mr. Hands: Oh?

[ Mr. Hands closes the basket onto Mr. Bill’s arm ]

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhhhh!!

Mr. Hands: [ throws the beach ball ] Say, why don’t you two throw the beach ball around?

[ the beach ball flattens Mr. Bill and Miss Sally onto the sand ]

Mr. Hands: Oh! You’re suntanning! Say, I’ll put on some hand lotion, and protect you from the sun. [ pours lighter fluid onto Mr. Bill’s back ]

Mr. Bill: Well, okay..

Mr. Hands: Say, you know, and I’ve got something that’ll give you an even quicker tan. [ holds a magnifying glass over Mr. Bill ]

Mr. Bill: [ nervous ] Uh, what’s that, Mr. Hands? [ the sun into the magnifying glass causes Mr. Bill to ignite faster than Michael Jackson ] Wait, that’s too hot! No, I don’t- ohhhhhh!!

[ cut to Mr. Bill at the movie projector watching in horror ] [ cut back to the movie, as a buff beachgoer runs toward the camera and kicks sand at it ]

Mr. Hands: Uh-oh! Here comes Miss Sally’s jealous boyfriend.

[ the sand has left Mr. Bill buried along the shore ]

Mr. Hands: Oh! He kicked sand in your face! [ reaches down to retrieve Mr. Bill ] Uh.. Mr. Bill? What are you doing, looking for buried treasure? Huh? [ lifts Mr. Bill out of the sand with a shovel, revealing a small treasure ] Oh, boy, you hit the jackpot, Mr. Bill! That’s great!

Mr. Bill: Oh, really? I did! Well, what’s inside, huh, Mr. Hands?

Mr. Bill: Well, here.. why don’t you check? [ holds the treasure chest to Mr. Bill’s hand, then lets it shut close ]

Mr. Bill: No, wait, no, no..! [ Mr. Hands opens the chest to reveal tiny mousetraps covering his hand ] Ohhhhh!!

Mr. Hands: Say, Mr. Bill.. why don’t you wash some of that sand off of you, huh? [ tosses Mr. Bill into the surf ]

Mr. Bill: No, no! But you know I can’t swim!

Mr. Hands: Oh, gee, that’s right.. I’d better get the lifeguard.. [ reveal Sluggo as the lifeguard ] He said this will save you.. [ tosses a life preserver over Mr. Bill ]

Mr. Bill: Ohhhh!

Mr. Hands: [ places Mr. Bill on a stray surfboard ] Oh, boy! Surf’s up, Mr. Bill!

Mr. Bill: Oh, but you know I can’t surf! Ohhhhhh!!

Mr. Hands V/O: Boy, Mr. Bill, you really rode those waves that day. And Miss Sally was so impressed with how brave you were to fight the dangerous shark.

[ Mr. Bill surfs right into the waiting, open mouth of a shark ] [ cut back to the all-new Mr. Bill set, where only Spot and Mr. Hands remain ]

Mr. Hands: Man, that was quite a day, Mr. Bill. Uh.. Mr. Bill? Mr. Bill, where are you?

[ Spot barks ]

Mr. Hands: Oh, really, Spot? Hmm. Oh, say, Spot, uh.. between you and me, I like the set the way it used to be.

[ Mr. Hands cuts the string atop the disco ball, as it falls flat on top of Spot ]

Mr. Hands: Ah, much better. See you net time, bye-bye!

[ close ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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