SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 10/13/79: The All-New Mr. Bill Show

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 1

79a: Steve Martin / Blondie

The All-New Mr. Bill Show

Mr. Bill: Hi, and welcome to the “All-New Mr. Bill Show”! with an all-new cast! Yayyyyyy!! You know.. that mean ol’ Sluggo and Mr. Hands won’t be back this season, because I think they were holding us back. But don’t worry, kids, because we’re gonna do a lot of fun things. Yayyyyyyy!! Say, to help start off the festivities, here’s my co-host, and my best friend – Spot! Yayyyyyy!!!

[ Spot barks ]

Mr. Bill: [ laughing ] Spot says it fits the flea perfectly! Spot, you’re so funny! And now, kids, I’d like to introduce you to a new guest on the show. She’s really versatile, witty and cute, and I met her on the beach this summer – let’s hear it for Miss Sally! Yayyyyyy!!

[ Miss Sally is revealed ]

Mr. Bill: Say, Miss Sally.. I wanted to show the kids some movies of how we met at the beach this summer.

Miss Sally: [ excited ] Okay!

Mr. Bill: Oh, great! So, will you roll the film now, please? [ the film doesn’t start ] Uhhh.. the film, please? Could you roll it?

[ Mr. Hands reaches into the scene carrying a film projector ]

Mr. Hands: Say, Mr. Bill.. I’m returning the protector I borrowed. Oops!

[ drops the projector on Miss Sally ]

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhh! Sally, ohhhh! Mr. Hands! Didn’t I tell you to quit coming over here? Huh?

[ Spot barks ]

Mr. Bill: Yeah! And, you know, we were having the best show ever until you showed up!

Mr. Hands: But Mr. Bill, I heard you were showing home movies tonight.

Mr. Bill: Well, I’m not in the mood any more!

Mr. Hands: Oh, come on. Help me plug it in.

Mr. Bill: [ with his arm casually resting on the projector reel ] Ohhh, no. You just want to shock me! Well, I’m not falling for that one again!

Mr. Hands: Okay. I’ll do it.

[ Mr. Hands plugs in the projector, which slices off Mr. Bill’s arm when the reels begins to spin ]

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhh!!!

[ the film begins to play, showing Mr. Bill and Spot at the beach with Mr. Hands ]

Mr. Hands V/O: Ah, what a beautiful day that was, when we went to the beach at Coney Island.

Mr. Bill: Oh, goodie! Oh boy, we’re gonna have fun today at the beach!

Mr. Hands: Say, Mr. Bill, let’s toss the frisbee.

Mr. Bill: But I’m busy right now!

Mr. Hands: Oh.. okay. I’ll play with Spot. Here, Spot! Catch the frisbee!

[ Mr. Hands tosses the frisbee, which slices Spot’s head off ]

Mr. Bill: Oh, no! Spot, oh!

[ Mr. Hands brings Miss Sally onto the beach scene ]

Mr. Hands: Oh, say, Mr. Bill.. this nice, young lady returned your frisbee.

Mr. Bill: Oh gee, thanks, Miss. Would you like to stay for lunch? Huh?

Miss Sally: Okay.

Mr. Bill: Oh, good! Say, Mr. Hands.. uh.. do we have any more food in the basket, huh?

Mr. Hands: Gee, I don’t know.. why don’t you check?

[ Mr. Hands holds Mr. Bill up to the open picnic basket ]

Mr. Bill: Oh, okay.. gee.. there’s nothing left.

Mr. Hands: Oh?

[ Mr. Hands closes the basket onto Mr. Bill’s arm ]

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhhhh!!

Mr. Hands: [ throws the beach ball ] Say, why don’t you two throw the beach ball around?

[ the beach ball flattens Mr. Bill and Miss Sally onto the sand ]

Mr. Hands: Oh! You’re suntanning! Say, I’ll put on some hand lotion, and protect you from the sun. [ pours lighter fluid onto Mr. Bill’s back ]

Mr. Bill: Well, okay..

Mr. Hands: Say, you know, and I’ve got something that’ll give you an even quicker tan. [ holds a magnifying glass over Mr. Bill ]

Mr. Bill: [ nervous ] Uh, what’s that, Mr. Hands? [ the sun into the magnifying glass causes Mr. Bill to ignite faster than Michael Jackson ] Wait, that’s too hot! No, I don’t- ohhhhhh!!

[ cut to Mr. Bill at the movie projector watching in horror ] [ cut back to the movie, as a buff beachgoer runs toward the camera and kicks sand at it ]

Mr. Hands: Uh-oh! Here comes Miss Sally’s jealous boyfriend.

[ the sand has left Mr. Bill buried along the shore ]

Mr. Hands: Oh! He kicked sand in your face! [ reaches down to retrieve Mr. Bill ] Uh.. Mr. Bill? What are you doing, looking for buried treasure? Huh? [ lifts Mr. Bill out of the sand with a shovel, revealing a small treasure ] Oh, boy, you hit the jackpot, Mr. Bill! That’s great!

Mr. Bill: Oh, really? I did! Well, what’s inside, huh, Mr. Hands?

Mr. Bill: Well, here.. why don’t you check? [ holds the treasure chest to Mr. Bill’s hand, then lets it shut close ]

Mr. Bill: No, wait, no, no..! [ Mr. Hands opens the chest to reveal tiny mousetraps covering his hand ] Ohhhhh!!

Mr. Hands: Say, Mr. Bill.. why don’t you wash some of that sand off of you, huh? [ tosses Mr. Bill into the surf ]

Mr. Bill: No, no! But you know I can’t swim!

Mr. Hands: Oh, gee, that’s right.. I’d better get the lifeguard.. [ reveal Sluggo as the lifeguard ] He said this will save you.. [ tosses a life preserver over Mr. Bill ]

Mr. Bill: Ohhhh!

Mr. Hands: [ places Mr. Bill on a stray surfboard ] Oh, boy! Surf’s up, Mr. Bill!

Mr. Bill: Oh, but you know I can’t surf! Ohhhhhh!!

Mr. Hands V/O: Boy, Mr. Bill, you really rode those waves that day. And Miss Sally was so impressed with how brave you were to fight the dangerous shark.

[ Mr. Bill surfs right into the waiting, open mouth of a shark ] [ cut back to the all-new Mr. Bill set, where only Spot and Mr. Hands remain ]

Mr. Hands: Man, that was quite a day, Mr. Bill. Uh.. Mr. Bill? Mr. Bill, where are you?

[ Spot barks ]

Mr. Hands: Oh, really, Spot? Hmm. Oh, say, Spot, uh.. between you and me, I like the set the way it used to be.

[ Mr. Hands cuts the string atop the disco ball, as it falls flat on top of Spot ]

Mr. Hands: Ah, much better. See you net time, bye-bye!

[ close ]

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