Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 5: Episode 1
The Pope at Monsterdome
Security Guard…..Garrett morris
Sister Francis Mary Bryson…..Laraine Newman
Delivery Boy…..Jim Downey
Monsignor Aldini…..Bill Murray
Aldini’s Date…..Jane Curtin
Singing Nun…..Gilda Radner
The Pope…..Steve Martin
[ open on NBC animated graphic ]
Announcer: “N-B-C, Smart As a Pea-Cock!”[ dissolve to exterior Monsterdome, prior to The Pope’s visit. A security guard stands at the door to make sure only authorized personnel have diret access to The Pope ] [ SUPER: “THIS IS NOT A REPEAT” ]
Security Guard: Alright! Alright, everybody, hey! Move back, please! If you’re not on the list, and you don’t have a pass.. stand behind the barricade, okay! Stand behind the barricade![ the crowd boos ]
Security Guard: Say, Jack.. say, Jack.. say, have you got a pass?
Bishop McCreary: Bishop McCreary – plus one.
Security Guard: Oh.. oh.. yeah.. okay. Right here. You’re on the list. Alright? [ hands name tags to to the Bishop and his guest ] Put that right there, and go ahead. Please. Bishop McCreary, go ahead.[ Bishop McCreary enters, as Sister Francis Mary Bryson steps up ]
Sister Francis Mary Bryson: Hello.
Security Guard: Yes, ma’am.
Sister Francis Mary Bryson: I’m Sister Francis Mary Bryson. I’m a militant nun.
Security Guard: [ consults his list ] Well.. you’re not on the list.
Sister Francis Mary Bryson: Well.. I know I’m not on the list.. you see, I’m concerned.. well.. perhaps “concerned” is too strong a word. I’m hopeful that his Holy Father would, perhaps, um.. listen to, well.. perhaps t’s unfair to suggest that he wouldn’t.. listen.. that he would consider.. some of our, uh.. “demands”.. uh, I mean.. “suggestions”! “Suggestions”! Uh.. increasing the role of women in the church.. and I would like to enter a formal protest.
Security Guard: Hmm..
Sister Francis Mary Bryson: I mean “vigil”.
Security Guard: Mmm-hmm..
Sister Francis Mary Bryson: Silent “vigil”. [ pointing ] And, uh.. I-I-I’d just be behind there, I mean I wouldn’t make one sound.. you wouldn’t even know I was-
Security Guard: Yeah, yeah, yeah.. Well, I’ll tell you what – the Pope said that anyone who wants to make a protest should stand behind that barricade, and the Pope will come out and talk to you at the end.
Sister Francis Mary Brison: Ohh.. okay.. thank you. Well, would you mind if I lit this candle?
Security Guard: Sure – behind the barricade.[ Delivery Boy steps up, holding a papl gown in plastic wrap ]
Delivery Boy: G&K Cleaners? Had to take care of the wine stain?
Security Guard: [ hands him a name tag ] Oh, yeah.. here, man.. put this on and go ahead.[ Delivery Boy enters, as Monsignor Aldini and his date (dressed as a nun) step up ]
Monsignor Aldini: Hi.
Security Guard: Yes? Yes?
Monsignor Aldini: Monsignor Aldini – with a guest.
Security Guard: [ consults his list ] I’m sorry, you’re not on the list, man.
Monsignor Aldini: Look under “Monsignors”.
Security Guard: Nope. Nope.
Aldini’s Date: I can’t believe this is happening to Monsignor Aldini!
Monsignor Aldini: Alright, wait a minute.. I’m a friend of His Holiness. He told me: “Stage Entrance, with a guest. No problem.”
Security Guard: Man, I wish I had a dollar for every guy who told me he knew the Pope! Now get behind that barricade!
Aldini’s Date: Can you believe this, Monsignor? [ chuckles ]
Monsignor Aldini: Welllll.. it could happen.. [ pretends to recognize a passing bishop ] Father Runyon! Jimmy Runyon! Hey! Hey! It’s me! Aldini! Hey, look – if you see the Vicar of Christ in there, will you tell him he forgot to put me on the list!
Security Guard: I’m not gonna tell you again, man! Get behind the barricade now!
The Singing Nun: Pardon? I believe I am on ze list? I am the Singing Nun.
Security Guard: [ consults his list ] Nope. Sorry.
The Singing Nun: But I am the Singing Nun. Listen.. [ strums guitar and sings her one hit “Dominique” ]
Security Guard: Does anybody know this penguin here?! Huh?
Second Guard: Don’t mind her – she’s been hanging around for the whole tour.
Security Guard: Yeah..
Second Guard: If His Holiness sees her backstage, he’ll flip!
Security Guard: Right.. right. [ to the Singing Nun ] Okay, okay.. look. That’s it.. that’s it, now. Behind the barricade.. behind the barricade..[ The Singing Nun is pushed aside, as Monsignor Aldini decides to make another try at getting in ]
Monsignor Aldini: Okay, now.. I can see why you threw out the Singing Nun – she’s obviously a Dominican bloodsucker. But the Holy Father is expecting me, and I would not like to be in your Adidas when the man says “Where’s Monsignor Aldini?” Okay?
Security Guard: Man.. get.. behind.. the barricade!
Aldini’s Date: I can’t believe this is happening!
Monsignor Aldini: Did the Holy Father say what hotel he’s staying at?
Security Guard: Yeah, I think he’s staying at the Y!
Monsignor Aldini: The YMCA?
Security Guard: Yeah!
Monsignor Aldini: I am a man of God! But I have a limit to my patience![ Monsignor Aldini and his date are escorted away from the door, as a group of bishops step out; the crowd gets excited ]
Crowd: Is he coming through!![ suddenly, The Pope comes out, the crowd going wild ]
The Pope: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!