SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 10/13/79: The Pope at Monsterdome



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 1

















79a: Steve Martin / Blondie

The Pope at Monsterdome

Security Guard…..Garrett morris
Sister Francis Mary Bryson…..Laraine Newman
Delivery Boy…..Jim Downey
Monsignor Aldini…..Bill Murray
Aldini’s Date…..Jane Curtin
Singing Nun…..Gilda Radner
Guard…..Tom Davis
The Pope…..Steve Martin

[ open on NBC animated graphic ]

Announcer: “N-B-C, Smart As a Pea-Cock!”

[ dissolve to exterior Monsterdome, prior to The Pope’s visit. A security guard stands at the door to make sure only authorized personnel have diret access to The Pope ] [ SUPER: “THIS IS NOT A REPEAT” ]

Security Guard: Alright! Alright, everybody, hey! Move back, please! If you’re not on the list, and you don’t have a pass.. stand behind the barricade, okay! Stand behind the barricade!

[ the crowd boos ]

Security Guard: Say, Jack.. say, Jack.. say, have you got a pass?

Bishop McCreary: Bishop McCreary – plus one.

Security Guard: Oh.. oh.. yeah.. okay. Right here. You’re on the list. Alright? [ hands name tags to to the Bishop and his guest ] Put that right there, and go ahead. Please. Bishop McCreary, go ahead.

[ Bishop McCreary enters, as Sister Francis Mary Bryson steps up ]

Sister Francis Mary Bryson: Hello.

Security Guard: Yes, ma’am.

Sister Francis Mary Bryson: I’m Sister Francis Mary Bryson. I’m a militant nun.

Security Guard: [ consults his list ] Well.. you’re not on the list.

Sister Francis Mary Bryson: Well.. I know I’m not on the list.. you see, I’m concerned.. well.. perhaps “concerned” is too strong a word. I’m hopeful that his Holy Father would, perhaps, um.. listen to, well.. perhaps t’s unfair to suggest that he wouldn’t.. listen.. that he would consider.. some of our, uh.. “demands”.. uh, I mean.. “suggestions”! “Suggestions”! Uh.. increasing the role of women in the church.. and I would like to enter a formal protest.

Security Guard: Hmm..

Sister Francis Mary Bryson: I mean “vigil”.

Security Guard: Mmm-hmm..

Sister Francis Mary Bryson: Silent “vigil”. [ pointing ] And, uh.. I-I-I’d just be behind there, I mean I wouldn’t make one sound.. you wouldn’t even know I was-

Security Guard: Yeah, yeah, yeah.. Well, I’ll tell you what – the Pope said that anyone who wants to make a protest should stand behind that barricade, and the Pope will come out and talk to you at the end.

Sister Francis Mary Brison: Ohh.. okay.. thank you. Well, would you mind if I lit this candle?

Security Guard: Sure – behind the barricade.

[ Delivery Boy steps up, holding a papl gown in plastic wrap ]

Delivery Boy: G&K Cleaners? Had to take care of the wine stain?

Security Guard: [ hands him a name tag ] Oh, yeah.. here, man.. put this on and go ahead.

[ Delivery Boy enters, as Monsignor Aldini and his date (dressed as a nun) step up ]

Monsignor Aldini: Hi.

Security Guard: Yes? Yes?

Monsignor Aldini: Monsignor Aldini – with a guest.

Security Guard: [ consults his list ] I’m sorry, you’re not on the list, man.

Monsignor Aldini: Look under “Monsignors”.

Security Guard: Nope. Nope.

Aldini’s Date: I can’t believe this is happening to Monsignor Aldini!

Monsignor Aldini: Alright, wait a minute.. I’m a friend of His Holiness. He told me: “Stage Entrance, with a guest. No problem.”

Security Guard: Man, I wish I had a dollar for every guy who told me he knew the Pope! Now get behind that barricade!

Aldini’s Date: Can you believe this, Monsignor? [ chuckles ]

Monsignor Aldini: Welllll.. it could happen.. [ pretends to recognize a passing bishop ] Father Runyon! Jimmy Runyon! Hey! Hey! It’s me! Aldini! Hey, look – if you see the Vicar of Christ in there, will you tell him he forgot to put me on the list!

Security Guard: I’m not gonna tell you again, man! Get behind the barricade now!

[ Monsignor Aldini and his date step aside, as one-hit wonder recording artist The Singing Nun steps up ]

The Singing Nun: Pardon? I believe I am on ze list? I am the Singing Nun.

Security Guard: [ consults his list ] Nope. Sorry.

The Singing Nun: But I am the Singing Nun. Listen.. [ strums guitar and sings her one hit “Dominique” ]

Security Guard: Does anybody know this penguin here?! Huh?

Second Guard: Don’t mind her – she’s been hanging around for the whole tour.

Security Guard: Yeah..

Second Guard: If His Holiness sees her backstage, he’ll flip!

Security Guard: Right.. right. [ to the Singing Nun ] Okay, okay.. look. That’s it.. that’s it, now. Behind the barricade.. behind the barricade..

[ The Singing Nun is pushed aside, as Monsignor Aldini decides to make another try at getting in ]

Monsignor Aldini: Okay, now.. I can see why you threw out the Singing Nun – she’s obviously a Dominican bloodsucker. But the Holy Father is expecting me, and I would not like to be in your Adidas when the man says “Where’s Monsignor Aldini?” Okay?

Security Guard: Man.. get.. behind.. the barricade!

Aldini’s Date: I can’t believe this is happening!

Monsignor Aldini: Did the Holy Father say what hotel he’s staying at?

Security Guard: Yeah, I think he’s staying at the Y!

Monsignor Aldini: The YMCA?

Security Guard: Yeah!

Monsignor Aldini: I am a man of God! But I have a limit to my patience!

[ Monsignor Aldini and his date are escorted away from the door, as a group of bishops step out; the crowd gets excited ]

Crowd: Is he coming through!!

[ suddenly, The Pope comes out, the crowd going wild ]

The Pope: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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