Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 5: Episode 1
[ show exterior visual of the New York Port Authority ]
[ dissolve to interior, Steve Martin cleaning his hands in the sink of an unappealing public bathroom ]
Steve Martin: I hate bathrooms like this – they’re dirty, they’re disgusting, and they’re germ-ridden. Hi. I’m Steve Martin. You know, whether you like it or not, there are times when all of us have no coice but to use facilities that aren’t exactly.. “sanitized for your protection.” How do you protect yourself? These things? [ pulls a seat protection sheet from a dispenser ] Sorry – too thin. Germs can eat their way through this flimsy tissue and attack your leg in no time at all!
[ removes product from his pocket, and holds it up to the camera ]
That’s why I use.. Rise. Just one drop of Rise, and we guarantee that your seat will never make contact with their seat. You see, Rise contains the same active ingredient as Crazy Glue. Only we’ve taken out the adhesive. Therefore, once Rise enters the bloodstream.. [ sprays Rise into his mouth ] it actually repels all surfaces.
[ enters bathroom stall, closes the door and takes his seat ]
[ camera holds on the outside of stall door, as we suddenly notice Steve’s head “rise” slowly past the top of the stall door, a smirk on his face ]
I am now seating about eight inches above the bowl, and I’ll shake the hand of any germ who can make that leap! Just one drop of Rise can keep a guy my size afloat and out of danger for five full days!
[ in adjacent stall, the head of a bearded Buck Henry hidden behind a newspaper suddenly “rises” above the stall door ]
Steve Martin: Hi!
Buck Henry: [ lowers his paper to return the greeting ] Hello!
Steve Martin: The choice is yours. You can sit in it.. or you can “Rise” above it.
Announcer: Rise. Helps keep the “high” in “hygeine”.