SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 10/13/79: Rise



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 1





79a: Steve Martin / Blondie

Rise

…..Steve Martin
…..Buck Henry

[ show exterior visual of the New York Port Authority ] [ dissolve to interior, Steve Martin cleaning his hands in the sink of an unappealing public bathroom ]

Steve Martin: I hate bathrooms like this – they’re dirty, they’re disgusting, and they’re germ-ridden. Hi. I’m Steve Martin. You know, whether you like it or not, there are times when all of us have no coice but to use facilities that aren’t exactly.. “sanitized for your protection.” How do you protect yourself? These things? [ pulls a seat protection sheet from a dispenser ] Sorry – too thin. Germs can eat their way through this flimsy tissue and attack your leg in no time at all!

[ removes product from his pocket, and holds it up to the camera ]

That’s why I use.. Rise. Just one drop of Rise, and we guarantee that your seat will never make contact with their seat. You see, Rise contains the same active ingredient as Crazy Glue. Only we’ve taken out the adhesive. Therefore, once Rise enters the bloodstream.. [ sprays Rise into his mouth ] it actually repels all surfaces.

[ enters bathroom stall, closes the door and takes his seat ] [ camera holds on the outside of stall door, as we suddenly notice Steve’s head “rise” slowly past the top of the stall door, a smirk on his face ]

I am now seating about eight inches above the bowl, and I’ll shake the hand of any germ who can make that leap! Just one drop of Rise can keep a guy my size afloat and out of danger for five full days!

[ in adjacent stall, the head of a bearded Buck Henry hidden behind a newspaper suddenly “rises” above the stall door ]

Steve Martin: Hi!

Buck Henry: [ lowers his paper to return the greeting ] Hello!

Steve Martin: The choice is yours. You can sit in it.. or you can “Rise” above it.

Announcer: Rise. Helps keep the “high” in “hygeine”.

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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