Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 5: Episode 1
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray
… Jane Curtin
… Bill Murray
Father Guido Sarducci … Don Novello
Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update with theWeekend Update news team. Here are anchorpersons BillMurray and Jane Curtin.
Jane Curtin: Good evening. I’m Jane Curtin.Here now the news. Our top story tonight:
Well, the results are in from the Democratic countycaucus straw vote in Florida where Carter comfortablycarried sixty-six out of sixty-seven counties. The onehe almost lost was Dade County where his mother wasactively campaigning. … The politically sharp Mr.Carter said he was pleased with his victory andimmediately appointed his mother ambassador toZimbabwe, Rhodesia until the 1980 elections areover.
In Washington, President Carter has announced that hewill continue to use town meetings as a forum forreaching the people. A member of the president’s staffsaid that the next such meeting will probably takeplace in the small Massachusetts town ofChappaquiddick. …
Bill?
Bill Murray: New York mayor Ed Koch announcedthis week that city radio station WNYC would startbroadcasting the names of men arrested withprostitutes in an effort to frighten potentialpatrons. The prostitutes themselves will have theirnames listed in the newspapers along with their phonenumbers and prices. …
Cuban president Fidel Castro brought live chickens andlobsters with him on his trip to New York as asecurity precaution against poisoned American food.These animals will taste each of Castro’s meals forhim to make sure that they’re safe to eat. …[applause]
Jane?
Jane Curtin: Yesterday, Vermont governorRichard Snelling launched a nationwide effort to draftformer president Gerald R. Ford as a candidate for the1980 Republican presidential nomination saying, “Ifthe nation is offered Gerald Ford, it will chooseGerald Ford.” Mr. Ford reportedly replied, “I’ll haveto wait and see which nation I’m being offered to. …I hope it’s Guatemala — it’s Betty’s home town.”…
Bill?
Bill Murray: [not paying attention, headbobbing, eyes closed, singing to himself] “Sixteenounces and just one calorie …”
Jane Curtin: Bill?
Bill Murray: [quickly recovers] Shouting jibes andchattering incessantly, thousands of pet parakeetsstormed New York’s Chrysler building demanding smallelectric cars to drive in their cages. …Unfortunately, they stormed the wrong floor and endedup highly embarrassed. Ha! …
The General Motors corporation announced today that itwill be recalling a number of Buicks and Oldsmobilesin response to numerous complaints by their owners. AGM spokesman said today that all 1937 Buicks and 1930Oldsmobiles will be recalled to investigate reportsthat the upholstery in both these vehicles is now oldand musty-smelling. …
A Federal Trade Commission judge ruled yesterday thatthere was no evidence that Bufferin worked faster thanaspirin or that Excedrin was a better pain relieverthan aspirin and ordered the maker, the Bristol-Myerscompany, to stop making false advertising claims. TheBristol-Myers spokesperson could not be reached forcomment, reportedly having stayed home with a Quaaludeheadache. …
Jane, just what do you take for a headache?
Jane Curtin: Midol. [chuckles] …
Anniversary wishes are in order for Mr. and Mrs. JamesEarl Ray who were married exactly one year ago today.The convicted slayer of Martin Luther King, Jr. isserving a life sentence in Brushy MountainPenitentiary where he has been denied conjugal visitswith his wife Anna. To celebrate their paperanniversary, the frustrated couple exchanged homemadescratch-and-sniff greeting cards. … [quite a fewgroans from the crowd]
Scientists at Los Alamos, New Mexico said this weekthat tests neither prove nor disprove that thecontroversial Shroud of Turin is actually the twothousand year old burial cloth of Jesus Christ.Nevertheless, fashion industry sources report theimminent merchandising of a new designer line, GloriaVanderbilt Shrouds by Murjani, to come out in theSpring.
Bill Murray: Father Guido Sarducci was amongthe two hundred and forty traveling press people whocovered the Pope’s United States tour. I bet it wasquite a thrill. How did it go, Father?
[Cheers and applause as we pan over to the gentle,cigarette smoking, Italian-accented Father GuidoSarducci, gossip columnist for the Vaticannewspaper.]
Father Guido Sarducci: It was. It was a realthrill, Bill. It was just terrific. But now I’m alittle down. I have what my psychiatrist calls”post-papal depression.” … Was such a high, youknow, bein’ on that tour and now it’s over. Only thingI didn’t like about the tour was the merchandising.They had, like, Pope T-shirts, Pope buttons, posters,banners, anything you can think of. You know, you cancall me anti-materialistic if you want to but I justdon’t think it’s right for somebody to make a T-shirt,put a person’s picture on it, and then not to givethat person part of the percentage of the profits. …I mean, look at this. It’s amazing. [holds up a PopeT-shirt] If you buy T-shirt like this, it’s not justfor the T-shirt you buy it — it’s because the Pope ison it. If you just want a T-shirt, you can go to J. C.Penney’s ‘stead of going through all the traffic andcrowds. But the Pope, from this T-shirt, I’ll tell youwhat he got. He got absolutely zero. It was a rip-off.First, they did it to Mr. Bill, now the Pope. …[applause]
And it was – it was the same thing with his recordalbum. He was in Poland couple of months ago and hewas just singin’ some songs with these Polishstudents. Somebody must’ve had a cassette taperecorder. First thing, there’s albums out all overEurope and now even in the United States. This is it.[holds up an album ] They said this has shipped doubleplatinum. … That’s a lot of albums. And the Popegets absolutely no percentage, no royalties from thiswhatsoever. And, you know, I hate to plug this album’cause, you know, it bein’ so bad to him, but thetruth is, it’s a pretty good album. … The mancan sing, he really can. … I mean, he’s noSmokey Robinson but … if you like Polish folk songs,this is the album for you. … [applause]
A lot of the Popes have made albums but none of ’emsold very well. Pope Paul VI, he had three albums out.The best seller — but it was not hardly good sellerat all, I don’t think it even made the charts — iswhat they call his “White Album” [holds up an albumresembling the Beatles’ White Album] … Came out inthe early seventies. And it had a really nice posterinside of him. [pulls a glossy photo of the Pope outof the album] … This one’s kind of soiled ’cause Ihad it pinned up on my refrigerator for years. … Butmy favorite Pope Paul VI album was his second album.Was called “The Second Collection.” [holds up anotheralbum with a colorful image of the Pope on the cover]Well, this was the first Pope album that featuredmodern graphics. It’s kind of psychedelic. … I likeit. He looks– Kind of smiling there — looks prettygood. … My favorite Pope album of all, though, wasmade in 1955 by Pius XII. Kind of what you call an”oldie” nowadays. You know, Pius XII has gotten a lotof bad press. They say he was aristocratic. He thoughthe was better than everybody else. But, say what youwant about him, the man made a very, very good album.Was called, “Here’s Looking Down at You” [holds upanother album with photo of seated Pope wavingdownward to people below] … It just never got thepush that it should have but I hope now that there’smore interest in Popes, they might reissue this one.
It’s amazing to me all the interest in the Pope lastcouple weeks. I think it’s because of John Paul’svisit, personally, but, you know, whatever the reason,people are buyin’ these posters that show all of thePopes and people want to know what their names are,what their real names are, when they was livin’, whenthey died, all that stuff. And, going along with thisPapal mania, I’ve kind of designed a contest about thePopes. [holds up a large photo showing a close-up ofthe surface of a pizza] It’s called “Find the Popes inthe Pizza” … All two hundred and fifty-four Popes,they’re in here. … And, what we’re gonna do in aboutone minute, we’re gonna put a close-up of this on yourscreen and, you at home, all you have to do is getsome, like, wax paper, any kind of paper you can seethrough and paste it to your screen — or tape it,whatever you want — and all you gotta do is get apencil and draw a circle around every place you see apicture of a Pope. And, while we’re doing this–
Well, I think what I’m gonna do for the prize, whoeverwins — you know, finds the most Popes — they’ll getto have a button that I designed myself. I noticed onthe tour, the best selling button was this. [holds upbutton] It says, “I Got a Peek at the Pope” … And Idesigned a button that I think even more people canrelate to. [holds up another button] It says, “I sawthe Pope on TV” … This is what you win. And now, Ithink, we’re about ready. So while you’re looking atthe pizza for thirty seconds, I’m gonna play a cutfrom Pius XII’s album. … Here is Pius XII singing”On the Sunny Side of the Street” … And now find thePope in the pizza. Good luck to you. All two hundredand fifty-four.
[A jazz recording of the old pop song “On the SunnySide of the Street” plays as we dissolve to close-upof the pizza: mostly a red mass of tomato sauce, butalso cheese and one rather large image of a Popesitting behind a desk in the lower right hand corner.The other Popes are invisible to the naked eye. Aclock ticks off thirty seconds in the upper left handcorner as Father Sarducci’s voice chimes in withoccasional helpful hints.]
Some are easy to find, some are hard. … Here’s alittle clue for you. Most of the Popes have red faces…. Here’s another clue. One of them is in the rightside of the screen. … Behind the desk.
[Time runs out, the song ends, and we return to FatherSarducci at the desk.]
Well, I hope that you got quite a few of them. Now,all you have to do is take the paper off, fold it up,put in an envelope, and address it to [holds up anenvelope] “Find the Popes in the Pizza Contest” … 30Rockefeller Plaza New York, New York 10020 ZIP. And Isuggest that up here you put your return address. Andthe reason for that is when you go to the mailbox,just before you put it into the slot, you look hereand it reminds you of where you should go back to. …Well, it was more than wonderful. Arrivederci,America!
Bill Murray: That’s the news. Good night andhave a pleasant tomorrow.
[Applause. Father Sarducci invites Bill Murray to lookfor a Pope in the pizza and Bill happily plays alongand points one out as we go to commercial.]
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