SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 10/13/79: What The Hell Is That?


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 1

79a: Steve Martin / Blondie

What The Hell Is That?

Tourist #1…..Steve Martin
Tourist #2…..Bill Murray

[ Tourist #1 wanders onto set, looks straight into camera inquisitively with a dumb look on his face ]

Tourist #1: What the hell is that?! [ squints ] What the hell is that? [ chuckling at himself ] What’s that danged thing doing here! How did that get here? What the hell is that?! [ squints ] What the hell is that?! How’d that dang deal get here?! [ turns off-camera ] Hey! Come on over here and look at this deal!

[ Tourist #2 wanders onto the set to take a bewildered look ]

Tourist #2: What the hell is that?

Tourist #1: I don’t know what the hell that is!

Tourist #2: What in the hell is that?!

Tourist #1: Hey, you kids! Get away from there!

Tourist #2: I would not mess with that thing..

Tourist #1: Don’t put your lips on it!

Tourist #2: [ ever curious ] What the hell is this?

Tourist #1: Well.. get a photo of me with it, anyway!

[ Tourist #1 hands camera to Tourist #2, then walks away from camera view to have his picture taken ]

Tourist #2: Be careful with that thing. [ snaps Tourist #1’s picture, as spark of ingenuity develops on his face ] Oh, I know what that is!

Tourist #1: [ returns next to Tourist #2 ] Well, what the hell is it?!

Tourist #2: [ looks closer ] What is that thing..?

Tourist #1: I don’t even care what it is. [ pause ] What the hell is that?!

Tourist #2: I don’t know what the hell that thing is.

Tourist #1: Oh, I know what it is!

Tourist #2: [ seeing it ] Oh, yeah.. oh yeah.. [ chuckles ] [ Tourist #1 & #2 walk away from the stage. A beat, before their heads peer back into frame, more inquisitive than ever. ]

Tourist #1: What the hell was that?!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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