Ask Elvis


Ask Elvis

Dorothy Haagen … Laraine Newman
Voice of Elvis … Andy Kaufman

[Jaunty organ music as a 1970s-era photo of ajumpsuited Elvis Presley singing passionately into amicrophone fills the screen.]

Don Pardo V/O: And now, “Ask Elvis” withpsychic Dorothy Haagen.

[SUPER: Ask Elvis. Music out as we dissolve to asmiling big-haired blonde woman who sits in an easychair, with eyes closed and hands raised together inprayer.]

Dorothy Haagen: [an odd Irish-Southern accent,as if in a trance] Spirits speak to those who listen!Spirits listen to those who speak! [in a more normaltone, to the camera] Hello, I’m psychic DorothyHaagen. Today, we’ll [reverently] ask … Elvisan unusual kind of marriage per-oblem. And all becauseviewer Janette Blalock from Silver Springs, Texaswrote: “Dear Dorothy, I am engaged to be married to atruck-a driverrrr. I want to have a traditionalwedding but he says there’s a chapel outside a truckplaza in Atlanta and he’d like to have itthere. Would you please … [rolls eyes skyward, in ahushed tone] ask … Elvis … who he thinks isright?” Well, sweet spirit, a short time ago Iestab-a-lished contact with … Elvis and readhim your letter and here is what he said.

[As “Love Me Tender” plays, we dissolve to a small,white, slowly-rotating bust of Elvis Presley set in ablack background. The throaty Southern drawl of thelate Elvis Presley is heard:]

Voice of Elvis: Dear Janette: A man can be kindof funny sometimes – wh- when he embarks on somethin’as new and as frightenin’ as marriage. Maybe a fellerneeds to be surrounded by familiar places and faces.Hey. Why not let – let that truck driver man o’ yourshave his way on this? And then watch out, honey,because them gear jammers can really put your hammerdown. But, seriously, Janette. If the tension of thewedding preparations gets to be too much for you, whydon’t you just ask your doctor to prescribe sometranquilizers, sleepin’ aids and diet pills? And tellhim the King sent ya. Truly yours, Elvis.

[Image goes out of focus and we dissolve back toDorothy Haagen, smiling into the camera.]

Dorothy Haagen: Well, dear soul, I hope youremember to send Elvis an invitation to thewedding. In any case, for including your birth dateand time, here’s a bonus message from the spiritworrr-uld: Accept the new job offer and furtheryourself socially – and that’s for either you or yournew hus-a-band. If you have a problem youthink … Elvis could answer, why not write me,psychic Dorothy Haagen, care of your local station[SUPER: Psychic DOROTHY HAAGEN Care of your localstation] and I’ll ask … Elvis. Until nexttime, sweet spirits, remember: He who is ruled by thestars is a fool. He who lets the stars rule him isindeed wise. Good-bye.

[Jaunty organ music as we pull back and dissolve awayto the photo of Elvis in concert with the words “AskElvis” superimposed.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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