Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 5: Episode 2
[ open on Customer browsing the window display at Mr. Howard’s Shoe Store prior to entering ]
Salesman: Good morning, sir!
Customer: Good morning. I’d like some handmade shoes.
Salesman: Ah! Well then, you’ve certainly come to the right place, because this indeed is a handmade shoe shop! Well, the shop isn’t handmade, the shoes are, obviosuly, of course!
Customer: [ smiling ] Well, good… good.
Salesman: Yes, good. Now, had you gone to an antique shop or a furniture store, you’d be in the wrong place. But you’re not, so congratulations and well done! [ he shakes the customer’s hand ]
Customer: Well, thank you.
Salesman: not at all! And that in itself qualifies you for a FREE gift! Conchita![ the salesman claps his hands, as Conchita rushes out and kisses the customer on the lips before disappearing into the stockroom ]
Customer: What was that?
Salesman: That was your free gift, Sir. We used to give little hats and silly whistles, but we found that our customers prefer a kiss from Conchita.
Customer: I see.
Salesman: Now then, Sir — what was it you wanted?
Customer: Shoes. I need shoes.
Salesman: Certainly, Sir. Any color?
Customer: Yes, I’m particularly interested in brown shoes.
Salesman: Well! [ he stands before a wall of shoeboxes ] We’ve got red, black, blue, yellow —
Customer: Any brown?
Salesman: Uh — magenta, orange —
Salesman: Taupe, pink, oyster —
Customer: Brown shoes! I need brown shoes!
Salesman: Ray, silver, gold, old gold, fool’s gold —
Customer: Shut up! Will you please shut up?! Do you have any brown shoes or not?
Salesman: Well, Sir, to be perfectly frank… yes!
Customer: So, what’s with all the different colors?
Salesman: Just showing off, I suppose, Sir — and making sure you really did want a brown shoe.
Customer: Well, that’s what I want.
Salesman: The brown?
Salesman: Congratulations, Sir — on that alone, you’ve won another free gift, this tiem from the luscious lips of Angelica![ Angelica rushes out and kisses the customer on the lips before disappearing into the stockroom ]
Salesman: Now, then — what was it you wanted, Sir?
Customer: A brown shoe.
Salesman: Ah, yes! The brown shoe! What size, Sir?
Customer: 10 and-a-half.
Salesman: Well… we have 8, we have 9 and-a-half, we have 7 and-a-half, we have 10 and-three-quarters —
Customer: 10 and-a-half!
Salesman: We have, uh, 13 — probably a bit too large for you.
Customer: I want a size 10 and-a-half shoe!
Salesman: Uh, we have 5 — that’s probably a bit on the snug size.
Customer: I want a size 10 and-a-half shoe!! Now, do you have that size, 10 and-a-half, YES or NO?!
Salesman: [ reluctantly ] Yes.
Customer: Well, then why go through all that?!
Salesman: Because it’s my job, Sir. I am a shoe salesman. Selling shoes is my life. It is my metier. My vocation. My forte. My thing! My gift! My mission! My raison d-etre! My joi de vivre! It’s just my bag, man!
Customer: Well, I appreciate that, Sir, but I want only one kind of shoe, and THAT is a size 10 and-a-half brown shoe!
Salesman: [ he holds up a single show ] Here you are, Sir.
Customer: Fine. Where’s the other one?
Salesman: Other, Sir?
Customer: Where’s the other shoe?
Salesman: It’s on the other foot, Sir.
Customer: On the what?
Salesman: The shoe is on the other foot, Sir. [ he holds up his shoeless foot ]
Customer: What’s the point?
Salesman: The point is, how many do you want, Sir?
Customer: I’d like two shoes.
Salesman: [ surprised ] TWO shoes?
Customer: Yes. Two shoes.
Customer: Yes. TWO!
Salesman: Not just one?
Customer: No, not one!
Customer: Look — I have a foot on each side, and I want a shoe for each side.
Salesman: But it’s more expensive, Sir.
Customer: More expensive than what?
Salesman: Than one shoe.
Customer: How much more expensive?
Salesman: Twice as expensive.
Customer: How much is one shoe?
Salesman: Half as much.
Customer: Half as much as what?
Salesman: Half as much as two, Sir.
Customer: Alright, I’m gonna stay real calm on this. Hang on, will you, and I’m not gonna hit you just yet. Alright?
Salesman: Thank you, Sir! And because of that, you’ve earned another bonus gift, from my youngest — Juanita![ Juanita rushes out and kisses the customer on the lips before disappearing into the stockroom ]
Customer: Alright, alright, alright! STOP with the free kissing! STOP with the half-as-much-as-two business! No, you wear only one shoe?
Salesman: Yes, Sir. Yes, I do. Yes.
Customer: Alright, let me ask you this, with all due respect: Isn’t it a bit painful? I mean, say you’re getting all dressed up to go to a dress ball —
Salesman: Oh, I don’t go to dances, Sir, I find them pretentious and boring!
Customer: Alright, uh… you’ve been invited to a dinner party at your boss’ house —
Salesman: Ohhhh, I wouldn’t go to a dinner party at my boss’ house, Sir. First of all, I HATE my boss, and secondly I find his house depressing.
Customer: Alright, let’s just say you’re going bowling.
Salesman: I don’t bowl — war injury.
Customer: Alright. You’re going out with your wife!
Salesman: My wife is DEAD.
Customer: I’m sorry. You’re walking your dog!
Salesman: I HATE dogs! I detest ALL pets!
Customer: Alright. You’re sitting home watching TV!
Salesman: I don’t own a TV, I find it repugnant and childish.
Customer: Alright, let’s say you’re going to a movie!
Salesman: I hate movies.
Customer: It’s A DOCUMENTARY!!
Salesman: Biased and boring.
Customer: Okay, you’re just sitting home reading a book.
Salesman: I do not read books. Books are often made into movies, and I HATE all forms of entertainment!
Customer: [ aggravated ] Then, what DO you DO?!
Salesman: I sell shoes, Sir! Shoe selling is my LIFE, Sir! I’m incessantly selling shoes, I never STOP selling shoes!
Customer: One shoe at a time?
Customer: Do you have a, uh, 10 and-a-half brown?
Salesman: Yes, Sir!
Customer: How much is it?
Salesman: Ten dollars!
Customer: I’ll take two!
Salesman: SOLD![ they shake on the agreement ]
Salesman: Conchita! Angelica! Juanita![ the girls come back out and dance around the customer, as the camera pulls back on the set with SUPER: “coming up next: DNA Designer Genes” ] [ fade ]