SNL Transcripts: Eric Idle: 10/20/79: Shoe Store


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 2

79b: Eric Idle / Bob Dylan

Shoe Store

Salesman…..Eric Idle
Customer…..Bill Murray
Conchita…..Gilda Radner
Angelica…..Jane Curtin
Juanita…..Laraine Newman

[ open on Customer browsing the window display at Mr. Howard’s Shoe Store prior to entering ]

Salesman: Good morning, sir!

Customer: Good morning. I’d like some handmade shoes.

Salesman: Ah! Well then, you’ve certainly come to the right place, because this indeed is a handmade shoe shop! Well, the shop isn’t handmade, the shoes are, obviosuly, of course!

Customer: [ smiling ] Well, good… good.

Salesman: Yes, good. Now, had you gone to an antique shop or a furniture store, you’d be in the wrong place. But you’re not, so congratulations and well done! [ he shakes the customer’s hand ]

Customer: Well, thank you.

Salesman: not at all! And that in itself qualifies you for a FREE gift! Conchita!

[ the salesman claps his hands, as Conchita rushes out and kisses the customer on the lips before disappearing into the stockroom ]

Customer: What was that?

Salesman: That was your free gift, Sir. We used to give little hats and silly whistles, but we found that our customers prefer a kiss from Conchita.

Customer: I see.

Salesman: Now then, Sir — what was it you wanted?

Customer: Shoes. I need shoes.

Salesman: Certainly, Sir. Any color?

Customer: Yes, I’m particularly interested in brown shoes.

Salesman: Well! [ he stands before a wall of shoeboxes ] We’ve got red, black, blue, yellow —

Customer: Any brown?

Salesman: Uh — magenta, orange —

Customer: Brown!

Salesman: Taupe, pink, oyster —

Customer: Brown shoes! I need brown shoes!

Salesman: Ray, silver, gold, old gold, fool’s gold —

Customer: Shut up! Will you please shut up?! Do you have any brown shoes or not?

Salesman: Well, Sir, to be perfectly frank… yes!

Customer: So, what’s with all the different colors?

Salesman: Just showing off, I suppose, Sir — and making sure you really did want a brown shoe.

Customer: Well, that’s what I want.

Salesman: The brown?

Customer: Yes.

Salesman: Congratulations, Sir — on that alone, you’ve won another free gift, this tiem from the luscious lips of Angelica!

[ Angelica rushes out and kisses the customer on the lips before disappearing into the stockroom ]

Salesman: Now, then — what was it you wanted, Sir?

Customer: A brown shoe.

Salesman: Ah, yes! The brown shoe! What size, Sir?

Customer: 10 and-a-half.

Salesman: Well… we have 8, we have 9 and-a-half, we have 7 and-a-half, we have 10 and-three-quarters —

Customer: 10 and-a-half!

Salesman: We have, uh, 13 — probably a bit too large for you.

Customer: I want a size 10 and-a-half shoe!

Salesman: Uh, we have 5 — that’s probably a bit on the snug size.

Customer: I want a size 10 and-a-half shoe!! Now, do you have that size, 10 and-a-half, YES or NO?!

Salesman: [ reluctantly ] Yes.

Customer: Well, then why go through all that?!

Salesman: Because it’s my job, Sir. I am a shoe salesman. Selling shoes is my life. It is my metier. My vocation. My forte. My thing! My gift! My mission! My raison d-etre! My joi de vivre! It’s just my bag, man!

Customer: Well, I appreciate that, Sir, but I want only one kind of shoe, and THAT is a size 10 and-a-half brown shoe!

Salesman: [ he holds up a single show ] Here you are, Sir.

Customer: Fine. Where’s the other one?

Salesman: Other, Sir?

Customer: Where’s the other shoe?

Salesman: It’s on the other foot, Sir.

Customer: On the what?

Salesman: The shoe is on the other foot, Sir. [ he holds up his shoeless foot ]

Customer: What’s the point?

Salesman: The point is, how many do you want, Sir?

Customer: I’d like two shoes.

Salesman: [ surprised ] TWO shoes?

Customer: Yes. Two shoes.

Salesman: TWO?!

Customer: Yes. TWO!

Salesman: Not just one?

Customer: No, not one!

Salesman: Two?!

Customer: Look — I have a foot on each side, and I want a shoe for each side.

Salesman: But it’s more expensive, Sir.

Customer: More expensive than what?

Salesman: Than one shoe.

Customer: How much more expensive?

Salesman: Twice as expensive.

Customer: How much is one shoe?

Salesman: Half as much.

Customer: Half as much as what?

Salesman: Half as much as two, Sir.

Customer: Alright, I’m gonna stay real calm on this. Hang on, will you, and I’m not gonna hit you just yet. Alright?

Salesman: Thank you, Sir! And because of that, you’ve earned another bonus gift, from my youngest — Juanita!

[ Juanita rushes out and kisses the customer on the lips before disappearing into the stockroom ]

Customer: Alright, alright, alright! STOP with the free kissing! STOP with the half-as-much-as-two business! No, you wear only one shoe?

Salesman: Yes, Sir. Yes, I do. Yes.

Customer: Alright, let me ask you this, with all due respect: Isn’t it a bit painful? I mean, say you’re getting all dressed up to go to a dress ball —

Salesman: Oh, I don’t go to dances, Sir, I find them pretentious and boring!

Customer: Alright, uh… you’ve been invited to a dinner party at your boss’ house —

Salesman: Ohhhh, I wouldn’t go to a dinner party at my boss’ house, Sir. First of all, I HATE my boss, and secondly I find his house depressing.

Customer: Alright, let’s just say you’re going bowling.

Salesman: I don’t bowl — war injury.

Customer: Alright. You’re going out with your wife!

Salesman: My wife is DEAD.

Customer: I’m sorry. You’re walking your dog!

Salesman: I HATE dogs! I detest ALL pets!

Customer: Alright. You’re sitting home watching TV!

Salesman: I don’t own a TV, I find it repugnant and childish.

Customer: Alright, let’s say you’re going to a movie!

Salesman: I hate movies.

Customer: It’s A DOCUMENTARY!!

Salesman: Biased and boring.

Customer: Okay, you’re just sitting home reading a book.

Salesman: I do not read books. Books are often made into movies, and I HATE all forms of entertainment!

Customer: [ aggravated ] Then, what DO you DO?!

Salesman: I sell shoes, Sir! Shoe selling is my LIFE, Sir! I’m incessantly selling shoes, I never STOP selling shoes!

Customer: One shoe at a time?

Salesman: Precisely!

Customer: Do you have a, uh, 10 and-a-half brown?

Salesman: Yes, Sir!

Customer: How much is it?

Salesman: Ten dollars!

Customer: I’ll take two!

Salesman: SOLD!

[ they shake on the agreement ]

Salesman: Conchita! Angelica! Juanita!

[ the girls come back out and dance around the customer, as the camera pulls back on the set with SUPER: “coming up next: DNA Designer Genes” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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