Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

… Jane Curtin
… Bill Murray
Gerald Hacker … Harry Shearer
Danny Kreutzman … Paul Shaffer
Roseanne Roseannadanna … Gilda Radner


Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update, withthe Weekend Update news team. Here are anchorpersonsBill Murray and Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: [clock on the wall reads NEWMEXICO] Good evening. I’m Jane Curtin. Here now thenews. Our top story tonight:

New evidence revealed this week may force the exhumingof the body of Lee Harvey Oswald. Discrepanciesbetween autopsy reports and Oswald’s Marine recordshave led some to believe that the man occupyingOswald’s grave was an agent of the KGB. After hearingthis, Senator Ted Kennedy said, “If it’s not Oswald,I’m not running.” …

Following a false report that Soviet president LeonidBrezhnev had died, a Communist Party official said,quote, “With rumors like that, he should live for ahundred years.” End quote. Meanwhile, Brezhnev, toshow that he was still healthy and active – [photo ofBrezhnev leaning on two distinguished statesmen] -posed for this picture lifting Foreign Minister AndreiGromyko while picking the pocket of West GermanChancellor Helmut Schmidt. … [Doctored photo of theBeatles’ “Abbey Road” album cover with Brezhnev’s headreplacing Paul McCartney’s] And, in a related story,Moscow correspondents are puzzled over why Brezhnev isbarefoot on the cover of his new album. … They alsoclaim that if the tape of last week’s Politburomeeting is played backwards, a party secretary can beheard muttering, “I buried Leonid.” …

Mother Teresa, the nun whose work in the slums ofCalcutta won her the Nobel Peace Prize, has alreadydecided how she’ll spend her prize money. This weekshe goes shopping for a Mercedes 450 and then plansto, quote, “get the hell out of this jerkwater town.”End quote. …

Bill?

Bill Murray: It took six days to count all thevotes in last Saturday’s non-binding Florida caucuselections and the winner was finally announcedyesterday. Jimmy Carter defeated Senator EdwardKennedy by a 2 to 1 margin in an election that drewfew voters and had no official effect. Thepre-campaign scene now has shifted to England and fora live report, here’s Weekend Update politicalcorrespondent Gerald Hacker in London.

[Fade out and in to pompous newsman Gerald Hackerseated beneath a clock and a sign reading WEEKENDUPDATE / LONDON. SUPER: LIVE VIA SATELLITE]

Gerald Hacker: Bill, the idea of foreignersvoting for American presidential hopefuls is a newone. But it seems to have caught on in North Dorking,a town of twenty-two thousand, southwest of London.Today’s North Dorking straw vote was organized by ayoung Englishwoman whose previous political experiencewas limited to reading the European edition of TimeMagazine.

[Cut to interview footage with bespectacledEnglishwoman. SUPER: LESLEY ELIOT / Straw VotePromoter.]

Lesley Eliot: If the States get a reallydreadful president, it’s not just you people whosuffer, is it? I mean, we all have to live with him,you know. So I was thinking, why not give someEnglishmen a chance to have a vote on it. Maybe at thesame time, that’ll attract a lot of Americans overhere and do something for the economy of NorthDorking.

[Cut to interview footage with bespectacled Americanman. SUPER: DANNY KREUTZMAN / KennedyActivist.]

Danny Kreutzman: I heard about what Miss Elliotwas doing when I was over here, er, making somearrangements for Meat Loaf’s first European tour and,uh, I became interested from the standpoint of settingup a committee which would, by its very nature, drawsome financial support from, uh, sources who wereinterested in seeing Senator Kennedy defeat PresidentCarter in something, somewhere, uh, at some point inthe present, and of course, uh, those funds would go -to me. …

[Cut back to pompous newsman Gerald Hacker.]

Gerald Hacker: When Carter Administrationofficials became aware of Kreutzman’s activities onbehalf of Kennedy, they sprang into action. Earlierthis week, Defense Secretary Harold Brown visitedNorth Dorking, promising that if the Pentagon ever hasto be moved outside the continental United States forsecurity reasons, North Dorking would receive thehighest consideration as an alternative site. Thatconstruction project could pump as much as two hundredbillion dollars into the local economy.

[Cut to montage of voters on the street. SUPER: NORTHDORKING / St. John’s Parish]

Gerald Hacker V/O: Then North Dorking voted. Asin Florida, the turnout was small but vocal.Especially after voters were repeatedly asked to saysomething.

Male Voter: Well, he’s a Kennedy, isn’t he? Imean, he’s not the Kennedy but he’s aKennedy. Isn’t he?

Female Voter: I like Mr. Carter best. I likehis smile, his blue eyes — and he hasn’t got a dog.Give me a man without a dog!

[Cut back to pompous newsman Gerald Hacker.]

Gerald Hacker: Today’s straw vote wascompletely unofficial so official results will be hardto come by. But whoever wins, the psychologicalmomentum resulting from a victory so far from homecould have crucial impact on next week’sKennedy-Carter confrontation — a ten kilometer runsponsored by the Washington Post. … But for now, thebest thing we can say is: we don’t know anything atall about any of this. From London, this is GeraldHacker reporting for Weekend Update.

[Fade. Applause. Cut back to Jane at the WUdesk.]

Jane Curtin: Thank you, Gerald. I’m sure we’llbe hearing a lot from you.

Gerald R. Ford said yesterday that he will not run forpresident in 1980. Ford said that he thinks PresidentCarter will be reelected because, quote, “An incumbentpresident would have to be an idiot to lose. … Theincumbency is a great advantage, I wish I had it whenI was president.” End quote. …

[Photo of Bianca Jagger who looks quite a bit likehusband Mick Jagger] Well, the masquerade is over. Adejected Mick Jagger left a London court this weekafter losing a long battle to get a divorce fromhimself. … Jagger, a graduate of the London Schoolof Economics, hoped that by creating the character of”Bianca,” he could pay himself alimony and reaptremendous tax benefits. … [applause] But, followingthe verdict, the British rock star vowed to abandonthe charade and promised the world it would never seeBianca again. …

Princess Margaret, while on a visit to Chicago lastweek, shocked the guests at a dinner party byreferring to the Irish as “pigs.” That is the subjectof tonight’s commentary by Bill Murray.

Bill Murray: [in front of a clock labeled NEWBRUNSWICK] So the Irish are pigs? James Joyce, SeanO’Casey, George Bernard Shaw — pigs. What about NolanRyan? Eddie Murray of the Orioles? Willie Stargell.Bill Madlock. Tim Foley, who came over from the Mets,what a trade that turned out for the bucks. ChuckConnors with the Cubs and then went to “The Rifleman.”Mike Connors. Mike Connors, Mannix. I don’t believePrincess Margaret thinks Mannix is a pig. …

Everybody’s very upset about it but I say, let herslide on this. I mean, let the woman slide. I knowwhat you’re saying, “Bill, you’re Irish.” I’m ahundred per cent Irish. I’m an American – but theblood is green. … I say, let her slide. I mean, shewas just ‘faced, that’s all. She was just ‘faced. Imean, she hits Chicago, she goes out to dinner withsome wild green animals in that town, has a fewcocktails and she just gets ‘faced, you know. Sheturns to the Irish mayor of Chicago, Jane Byrne, saysthe Irish are pigs. Tell me she wasn’t too ‘faced ornothin’. Not much she wasn’t. So let her slide. Youknow, when somebody gets ‘faced, you let ’em slide onthat, especially, you know, a girl — when they get’faced. And, especially, a member of the royal family,you know?

Back in England, she’s the queen’s sister. She can’tget weird at all, you know. And, you know, if peopledon’t let you get weird nowadays, you get irreversiblyweird, I think. So let her slide! Come on, this isAmerica. Look — Princess Margaret is a pig. She’s aslut, she’s a tramp, she’s a slime bucket. So what?Right. Exactly. I can say this. She’s lettin’ meslide. … You know why? Because this is America. Andbecause I am ‘faced. … I am completely ‘faced. Idon’t know if this is even makin’ any sense. Listen,she was ‘faced. I am ‘faced. So let us bothslide on this. God, am I ‘faced. … Jane, are you as’faced as I am? … I am completely ‘faced….

[begins to read the next news item] Yesterday was AmyCarter’s twelfth birthday and, as usual, her familyand friends had a tough time picking– I am‘faced! … Yesterday was – was Amy Carter’stwelfth birthday and, as usual, her family and friendshad a tough time picking out the proper presents.After all, what do you give a girl who has nothing?…

Jane?

Jane Curtin: This week, many commercial banksbrought bad news to prospective homeowners by raisingthe mortgage rate to a record twelve per cent. This nodoubt will prevent thousands from purchasing a housebecause they can’t get financing. Here to commentfurther on this situation is Update’s economicadvisor, Roseanne Roseannadanna.

[Huge cheers and applause as we pan over to e loudLatina woman with the increasingly frizzyhair.]

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Thanks a lot, Jane!Thanks a lot! A Mr. Richard Feder from Fort Lee, NewJersey writes in and says:

Dear Roseanne Roseannadanna,

New Jersey is no longer my cup of tea. I hate livin’here, I hate my job, I hate my kids, I hate theGiants, I want to move, I can’t get a mortgage, whatshould I do?

Well, Mr. Feder, I know exactly what you’re goin’through ’cause this past summer, I — RoseanneRoseannadanna — rented a house that I couldn’t affordin this real hotsy-totsy place called East Hampton…. East Hampton is this cute tiny town on Long Islandwhere everybody who’s anybody goes to spend thesummer. And I really love those Hamptons ’cause theair is clean and you got the ocean and the trees –plus, you get to see a lot of famous people wearin’cute little white shorts, joggin’ and ridin’ bicyclesand sweatin’ and breathin’ like pigs! …

Everybody out there is like a real health nut. Theyplay tennis and read a lot of books by Adelle Davis.Now, Adelle Davis was that real smart dead lady who onwrote on how to stay healthy and all those books thatgot the same title: “Let’s Eat Right” “Let’s Be Thin””Let’s Keep Fit” “Let’s Look Good” “Let’s Live Long””Let’s Be Alive” “Let’s Keep You Alive” “Let’s Keep MeAlive” “I Don’t Wanna Die” “I’m Dead” “What WentWrong?” … [cheers and applause]

And I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, learned if you want tostay fit in the Hamptons, you gotta eat a lot ofroughage. And do you know what roughage is? It’s thatfood that goes right through you like a fast train anddrags other stuff along with it so they don’t hangaround too long to rot and stink up your insides. …Now, imagine, if you could, the inside of your body asa big, long curving around pipe, like under a sink,with all these ugly germs and pieces o’ red meat anddiet soda and Twinkies and monosodium glutamate andstuff, sittin’ there and cloggin’ up everything. Butthen — this roughage stuff comes along and cleans outeverything! Just like Liquid Plumr! And gets you zippyclean!

The only trouble is, I hate eatin’ that roughagestuff. Like, I got invited to this one party that wasgiven at the private estate of Mr. Designer himself,Yves St. Laurent. And do you know what they had toeat? A thing they call crudité! That’s French. And itmeans celery sticks, carrot sticks, sliced radishes,raw broccoli, raw cauliflower, raw mushrooms, and ayogurt dip! … Now, what kinda great party is that?… Crudité? Not only does it taste bland, like yourfoot or something … but there’s so much crunchin’goin’ on, ya can’t hear what anybody’s talkin’ about….

Crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch. And who’s crunchin’the loudest and drinkin’ bottles of Perrier but thehotshot host himself, St. Laurent. He looked realhealthy but every two minutes he excuses himself to goto the bathroom! … Well, one time, when he came out,just between you and me, Roseanne Roseannadanna, Inoticed that he had a little tiny wet spot on hiswhite pants right below his zipper. … It looked likea little raindrop! Or like a little clear splotch!Well, I thought I was gonna die! … I said, “Hey!Frenchie! Did that splotch come out o’ you?” And hesays, [French accent] “No way, ze water splash up fromze sink, I swear!”

But none of us believed him and we had to leave theparty ’cause he was makin’ all of us sick, you know?!… It wasn’t rainin’, there’s a drop on his pants! Icouldn’t believe it!

Jane Curtin: You’re making all of us sick,Roseanne.

Roseanne Roseannadanna: What’s your problem?Don’t you like French?

Jane Curtin: You’re supposed to come here andtalk about a man who wants to buy a house — not aboutroughage and Yves St. Laurent.

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Well, Jane, it justgoes to show ya. It’s always somethin’! If it’s notone thing, it’s another! Either you can’t get amortgage or it rains on your zipper. It’s just likethe little prayer that my father used to say to mebefore I went to sleep at night. He’d make sure I wasall tucked in, snug and cozy and everything and he’dtell me this prayer that was written by my veryreligious aunt — Hosanna Roseannadanna. … I’m gonnatell it to you.

Now I lay me down to sleep
After a lot of roughage I did eat …
I hope I die before I wake
‘Cause another washing these sheets can’t take!…

Good night, my little Roseanne Roseannadanna!

Jane Curtin: Good night, RoseanneRoseannadanna.

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Good night, Jane! Comehere and let me touch your nose!

Jane Curtin: [putting a hand over Roseanne’smouth] That’s the news. Good night and have a pleasanttomorrow.

[Cheers and applause, cut to a wide shot of the deskand fade.]

Submitted Anonymously

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