Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 5: Episode 3
[ open on priest giving the eulogy at a funeral, as family members mourn ]
Ed Herlihy V/O: Someone has passed away. It’s a sorrowful occasion. A time for memories… a time for reflection. [ one family members appears disgusted and checks his watch ] A time of incredible inconvenience. How many times has the untimely death of a distant relative, or someone you never really liked, interfered with your busy schedule? [ the man exits the funeral ]
[ dissolve to Ed Herlihy ]
Ed Herlihy: Hi! I’m Ed Herlihy. Now it is possible to miss these sad occasions and not offend anyone by your absence — with Banshee, the mourner’s companion. [ he holds up the electronic device ] This compact, battery-operatoed, solid-state surrogate will represent you with dignity and convey your condolences sincerely and effectively.
[ dissolve to funeral, as mourners turn to look for the source of the screams ]
Banshee #1: Ohhhh, my God! My God! My God! Why him?!
[ dissolve to the dusgusted family member on the golf course with a sweet youngthing ]
Ed Herlihy V/O: If you are unable to attend the funeral yourself.
[ dissolve back to Ed Herlihy with the full product line ]
Ed Herlihy: Complete with pre-recorded lament and personalized name tags, Banshee comes in five models: Irish….
Banshee #2: Oh, Johnny, we miss ye so…!
Ed Herlihy: Italian…
Banshee #3: It’s not WORTH it!! He’s a wise man!!
Ed Herlihy: Amish…
Banshee #4: [ sighs ] Oh. He looks so peaceful.
Ed Herlihy: Black…
Banshee #5: I’m gonna get the cop that did this to my boy…!
Ed Herlihy: …and Jewish.
Banshee #6: I always thought Poppa would be the foist to go!
Ed Herlihy: Your time is precious. His time is over.
[ dissolve to a Banshee device pre-recorded with the priest delivering the eulogy, surrounded by a roomful of Banshee devices sitting in for the mourners ]
Ed Herlihy V/O: Banshee — First in Last Respects.
[ fade ]