SNL Transcripts: Bill Russell: 11/03/79: Banshee

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 3

79c: Bill Russell / Chicago


…..Ed Herlihy

[ open on priest giving the eulogy at a funeral, as family members mourn ]

Ed Herlihy V/O: Someone has passed away. It’s a sorrowful occasion. A time for memories… a time for reflection. [ one family members appears disgusted and checks his watch ] A time of incredible inconvenience. How many times has the untimely death of a distant relative, or someone you never really liked, interfered with your busy schedule? [ the man exits the funeral ] [ dissolve to Ed Herlihy ]

Ed Herlihy: Hi! I’m Ed Herlihy. Now it is possible to miss these sad occasions and not offend anyone by your absence — with Banshee, the mourner’s companion. [ he holds up the electronic device ] This compact, battery-operatoed, solid-state surrogate will represent you with dignity and convey your condolences sincerely and effectively.

[ dissolve to funeral, as mourners turn to look for the source of the screams ]

Banshee #1: Ohhhh, my God! My God! My God! Why him?!

[ dissolve to the dusgusted family member on the golf course with a sweet youngthing ]

Ed Herlihy V/O: If you are unable to attend the funeral yourself.

[ dissolve back to Ed Herlihy with the full product line ]

Ed Herlihy: Complete with pre-recorded lament and personalized name tags, Banshee comes in five models: Irish….

Banshee #2: Oh, Johnny, we miss ye so…!

Ed Herlihy: Italian…

Banshee #3: It’s not WORTH it!! He’s a wise man!!

Ed Herlihy: Amish…

Banshee #4: [ sighs ] Oh. He looks so peaceful.

Ed Herlihy: Black…

Banshee #5: I’m gonna get the cop that did this to my boy…!

Ed Herlihy: …and Jewish.

Banshee #6: I always thought Poppa would be the foist to go!

Ed Herlihy: Your time is precious. His time is over.

[ dissolve to a Banshee device pre-recorded with the priest delivering the eulogy, surrounded by a roomful of Banshee devices sitting in for the mourners ]

Ed Herlihy V/O: Banshee — First in Last Respects.

[ fade ]

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