SNL Transcripts: Bill Russell: 11/03/79: Banshee


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 3

79c: Bill Russell / Chicago


…..Ed Herlihy

[ open on priest giving the eulogy at a funeral, as family members mourn ]

Ed Herlihy V/O: Someone has passed away. It’s a sorrowful occasion. A time for memories… a time for reflection. [ one family members appears disgusted and checks his watch ] A time of incredible inconvenience. How many times has the untimely death of a distant relative, or someone you never really liked, interfered with your busy schedule? [ the man exits the funeral ] [ dissolve to Ed Herlihy ]

Ed Herlihy: Hi! I’m Ed Herlihy. Now it is possible to miss these sad occasions and not offend anyone by your absence — with Banshee, the mourner’s companion. [ he holds up the electronic device ] This compact, battery-operatoed, solid-state surrogate will represent you with dignity and convey your condolences sincerely and effectively.

[ dissolve to funeral, as mourners turn to look for the source of the screams ]

Banshee #1: Ohhhh, my God! My God! My God! Why him?!

[ dissolve to the dusgusted family member on the golf course with a sweet youngthing ]

Ed Herlihy V/O: If you are unable to attend the funeral yourself.

[ dissolve back to Ed Herlihy with the full product line ]

Ed Herlihy: Complete with pre-recorded lament and personalized name tags, Banshee comes in five models: Irish….

Banshee #2: Oh, Johnny, we miss ye so…!

Ed Herlihy: Italian…

Banshee #3: It’s not WORTH it!! He’s a wise man!!

Ed Herlihy: Amish…

Banshee #4: [ sighs ] Oh. He looks so peaceful.

Ed Herlihy: Black…

Banshee #5: I’m gonna get the cop that did this to my boy…!

Ed Herlihy: …and Jewish.

Banshee #6: I always thought Poppa would be the foist to go!

Ed Herlihy: Your time is precious. His time is over.

[ dissolve to a Banshee device pre-recorded with the priest delivering the eulogy, surrounded by a roomful of Banshee devices sitting in for the mourners ]

Ed Herlihy V/O: Banshee — First in Last Respects.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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Paul Thomas
Paul Thomas
2 years ago

I’m pretty sure Banshee #4 is “Protestant” and not “Amish” 🙂

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