SNL Transcripts: Bill Russell: 11/03/79: Kennedy in ’80

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 3

79c: Bill Russell / Chicago

Kennedy in ’80

Campaign Worker #1…..Tom Davis
Campaign Worker #2…..Garrett Morris
Rose Kennedy…..Laraine Newman
Ted Kennedy…..Bill Murray
Dave Powers…..Jim Downey
Joan Kennedy…..Jane Curtin
Background Campaign Workers…..Tom Gammill, Max Pross

[ open on Ted Kennedy campaign rally ] [ SUPER: “Faneuil Hall Boston — November 7, 1979” ]

Campaign Worker #1: Okay… where the hell is Teddy?!

Campaign Worker #2: I don’t know! He was supposed to be here TWENTY minutes ago!

Rose Kennedy: I’m uh, sure he has a good excuse!

Voice: Here he comes Here he comes!

[ Ted Kennedy runs up on stage, dripping wet with seaweed ]

Campaign Worker #2: Teddy, Teddy! Where have you BEEN, man?!

Ted Kennedy: I — [ he coughs ] I — I — I’m not sure. I — I was in the cahhh —

Campaign Worker #1: Teddy… where’s, uh, Joan?

Ted Kennedy: Uh — I-I’m not sure. We were in the, uh, cahh together and, uh — I, uh — I managed to, uh, get out of the cahh and I think that Joan might, uh, might still be in the cahhh.

Rose Kennedy: Teddy… Teddy, listen to me, this is your mother: Do you know where you are?

Ted Kennedy: In, uh — Boston?

Rose Kennedy: Yes. Do you know why you’re here? [ she pulls seaweed from his clothes ]

Ted Kennedy: Uh — uh, why?

Campaign Worker #2: To announce that you’re gonna run for President of the United States, that’s why!

Ted Kennedy: Is that alright with you, Mother?

Rose Kennedy: Yes, son… it’s alright.

Ted Kennedy: Was it, uh — was it alright with Joan?

Rose Kennedy: Yes — if we knew where she was.

Ted Kennedy: I, uh — I think she’s, uh, still in the cahhh.

Campaign Worker #1: Okay, I don’t think you’re quite ready to go on. [ he approaches the podium ] Uh — uh, excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, we seem to have a few, uh, technical problems, if you’ll just bear with us. In the meantime, uh – [ he looks around ] In the meantime, I’d like to introduce an old close friend of the Kennedy Family — Mr. Dave Powers — [ he pulls Dave Powers forward ] uh, who will share with us a few reminisces of Camelot!

[ the crowd applauds ]

Dave Powers: Thanks. I, uh — I, uh — I recall that, uh, that Jack, he, uh — he loved the sea. Uh — Jack and Bobby, and, uh, Teddy, they, uh — they loved the sea. And I recall Booby and Jack would, uh —

[ return to Ted Kennedy ]

Campaign Worker #2: Where is the car? where is the car, Teddy?

Ted Kennedy: I, uh — I-I-I-I don’t know where the cahh is…

Rose Kennedy: Teddy… listen to me: Where is the cahh…? Try to remember where you left Joan.

[ Ted can’t even fathom a guess, as Joan runs up on stage ]

Campaign Worker #1: Joan! Thank God you’re alright!

Joan Kennedy: [ angry ] Well, of course I’m alright — I was just parking the car! [ to Ted ] Here are the keys, Flipper.

Rose Kennedy: Why are you all wet, Teddy?

Joan Kennedy: [ she sighs ] Well, we were late and stuck in traffic — Teddy panicked, jumped out of the car and swam across Boston Harbor.

Ted Kennedy: That’s, uh — that’s right. I, uh — I must have bumped my head when I dived into the river, and I was in a…. shark… So I guess that’s why I couldn’t tell anyone sooner.

Campaign Worker #2: You think you can make your announcement now, Teddy?

Ted Kennedy: Yeah… yeah, yeah, I’m ready…

Campaign Worker #1: Alright, let’s do it.

[ he approaches the podium, where Dave Powers is still rambling on ]

Dave Powers: …and, uh — I was there in the Oval Office, when Caroline looked at Jack and she said, uh… “Daddy,” she said, uh, “let John-John ride Macaroni!” And, uh —

Campaign Worker #1: [ interrupting ] Thank you very much, Dave Powers.

Dave Powers: Thank you, thank you. I — I — thank you.

[ the crowd applauds ]

Campaign Worker #1: [ psuhing Dave aside ] That’s very touching. Thank you very much. [ to the room ] Uh — ladies and gentlemen… I am honored to introduce the Senator from the Commonwealth of Massachusetts… and the next President of the United States — Edward M. Kennedy!

[ the crowd applauds wildly as Ted approaches the podium surrounded by Rose and Joan ] [ Ted puts his glasses on and unfolds a tricky piece of paper ]

Ted Kennedy: My fellow Americans… our nation is at a crossroad in history… where a cry for strong, vigorous leadership is heard throughout the land. [ the crowd claps ] Now there are some who would look at my past, and say: “Why?” I… choose to look at my past, and say: “So what?” [ the crowd applauds ] That is why, tonight, I am honored and invigorated to announce: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”

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