SNL Transcripts: Bill Russell: 11/03/79: Kennedy in ’80


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 3

79c: Bill Russell / Chicago

Kennedy in ’80

Campaign Worker #1…..Tom Davis
Campaign Worker #2…..Garrett Morris
Rose Kennedy…..Laraine Newman
Ted Kennedy…..Bill Murray
Dave Powers…..Jim Downey
Joan Kennedy…..Jane Curtin
Background Campaign Workers…..Tom Gammill, Max Pross

[ open on Ted Kennedy campaign rally ] [ SUPER: “Faneuil Hall Boston — November 7, 1979” ]

Campaign Worker #1: Okay… where the hell is Teddy?!

Campaign Worker #2: I don’t know! He was supposed to be here TWENTY minutes ago!

Rose Kennedy: I’m uh, sure he has a good excuse!

Voice: Here he comes Here he comes!

[ Ted Kennedy runs up on stage, dripping wet with seaweed ]

Campaign Worker #2: Teddy, Teddy! Where have you BEEN, man?!

Ted Kennedy: I — [ he coughs ] I — I — I’m not sure. I — I was in the cahhh —

Campaign Worker #1: Teddy… where’s, uh, Joan?

Ted Kennedy: Uh — I-I’m not sure. We were in the, uh, cahh together and, uh — I, uh — I managed to, uh, get out of the cahh and I think that Joan might, uh, might still be in the cahhh.

Rose Kennedy: Teddy… Teddy, listen to me, this is your mother: Do you know where you are?

Ted Kennedy: In, uh — Boston?

Rose Kennedy: Yes. Do you know why you’re here? [ she pulls seaweed from his clothes ]

Ted Kennedy: Uh — uh, why?

Campaign Worker #2: To announce that you’re gonna run for President of the United States, that’s why!

Ted Kennedy: Is that alright with you, Mother?

Rose Kennedy: Yes, son… it’s alright.

Ted Kennedy: Was it, uh — was it alright with Joan?

Rose Kennedy: Yes — if we knew where she was.

Ted Kennedy: I, uh — I think she’s, uh, still in the cahhh.

Campaign Worker #1: Okay, I don’t think you’re quite ready to go on. [ he approaches the podium ] Uh — uh, excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, we seem to have a few, uh, technical problems, if you’ll just bear with us. In the meantime, uh – [ he looks around ] In the meantime, I’d like to introduce an old close friend of the Kennedy Family — Mr. Dave Powers — [ he pulls Dave Powers forward ] uh, who will share with us a few reminisces of Camelot!

[ the crowd applauds ]

Dave Powers: Thanks. I, uh — I, uh — I recall that, uh, that Jack, he, uh — he loved the sea. Uh — Jack and Bobby, and, uh, Teddy, they, uh — they loved the sea. And I recall Booby and Jack would, uh —

[ return to Ted Kennedy ]

Campaign Worker #2: Where is the car? where is the car, Teddy?

Ted Kennedy: I, uh — I-I-I-I don’t know where the cahh is…

Rose Kennedy: Teddy… listen to me: Where is the cahh…? Try to remember where you left Joan.

[ Ted can’t even fathom a guess, as Joan runs up on stage ]

Campaign Worker #1: Joan! Thank God you’re alright!

Joan Kennedy: [ angry ] Well, of course I’m alright — I was just parking the car! [ to Ted ] Here are the keys, Flipper.

Rose Kennedy: Why are you all wet, Teddy?

Joan Kennedy: [ she sighs ] Well, we were late and stuck in traffic — Teddy panicked, jumped out of the car and swam across Boston Harbor.

Ted Kennedy: That’s, uh — that’s right. I, uh — I must have bumped my head when I dived into the river, and I was in a…. shark… So I guess that’s why I couldn’t tell anyone sooner.

Campaign Worker #2: You think you can make your announcement now, Teddy?

Ted Kennedy: Yeah… yeah, yeah, I’m ready…

Campaign Worker #1: Alright, let’s do it.

[ he approaches the podium, where Dave Powers is still rambling on ]

Dave Powers: …and, uh — I was there in the Oval Office, when Caroline looked at Jack and she said, uh… “Daddy,” she said, uh, “let John-John ride Macaroni!” And, uh —

Campaign Worker #1: [ interrupting ] Thank you very much, Dave Powers.

Dave Powers: Thank you, thank you. I — I — thank you.

[ the crowd applauds ]

Campaign Worker #1: [ psuhing Dave aside ] That’s very touching. Thank you very much. [ to the room ] Uh — ladies and gentlemen… I am honored to introduce the Senator from the Commonwealth of Massachusetts… and the next President of the United States — Edward M. Kennedy!

[ the crowd applauds wildly as Ted approaches the podium surrounded by Rose and Joan ] [ Ted puts his glasses on and unfolds a tricky piece of paper ]

Ted Kennedy: My fellow Americans… our nation is at a crossroad in history… where a cry for strong, vigorous leadership is heard throughout the land. [ the crowd claps ] Now there are some who would look at my past, and say: “Why?” I… choose to look at my past, and say: “So what?” [ the crowd applauds ] That is why, tonight, I am honored and invigorated to announce: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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