SNL Transcripts: Bill Russell: 11/03/78: Mr. Bill Stays Home



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 3











79c: Bill Russell / Chicago

Mr. Bill Stays Home

(Scene opens at Mr. Bill’s House with Miss Sally carrying a tray of milk and cookies and Spot near a record player.)

Miss Sally: Uh kids, you’re a little early today. Mr. Bill’s not here. He’s upstairs. Mr. Bill, will you come down? The kids are here.

Mr. Bill: (coming down the stairs) Ho ho kiddies! Hey! Oh boy, are we going to have fun today because we’re all going to stay home. Yaaaay! Oh, Miss Sally’s got milk and cookies and Spot’s going to play some records for us and oh! (sees Mr. Hands out the window and ringing the doorbell) Uh oh. Uh say kids, that’s probally Mr. Hands. Let’s pretend like we’re not here and he’ll go away. (Spot hides underneath a table. Mr. Hands knocks harder until he crushes Miss Sally with the door.) Ohhhhhhh! Oh Miss Sally!

Mr. Hands: Oh there you are Mr. Bill. Everybody’s been waiting at the studio for you to start your show.

Mr. Bill: Oh well I have a cold today. I’m not coming in so see you later.

Mr. Hands: Oh you’re sick? I better stay and help you get better. I know some great home remedies.

Mr. Bill: Oh no, that’s okay. You can go now. I’ll be fine.

Mr. Hands: (With a bottle of 1,000 asprins) First, doctors say you need plenty of asprin. (pours the entire bottle on Mr. Bill knocking him down the stairs.)

Mr. Bill: No but I don’t have a headache. No, ohhhhhhhhhh! Oh why why!

Mr. Hands: Also they say you need lots of rest. (places Mr. Bill on the couch) Say, why don’t you lie on the couch.

Mr. Bill: Ok, but that’s fine Mr. Hands. You can go now. Bye!

Mr. Hands: But you need to keep warm. (Brings a pot of boiling hot water and a hot water bottle) Hey, maybe this hot water bottle will help. (pours the hot water into the bottle over Mr. Bill)

Mr. Bill: No wait, it has holes in it. Oh wait, stop it! No wait, ohhhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: Oh Mr. Bill, you’re all wet. We better cover up (places an electric blanket on Mr. Bill)

Mr. Bill: No wait, that’s my electric blanket! Don’t pull it (Mr. Hands pulls a switch and Mr. Bill is electrocuted) Ohhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: You look mighty pale Mr. Bill. I better take your temperature. (sticks a thermomter in Mr. Bill’s mouth and takes it out.)

Mr. Bill: No wait no mmmmmmmmmm, ohhhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: Gee, a hundred and six degrees! Oh gee, I better take your pulse. (squeezes Mr. Bill’s arm off.)

Mr. Bill: No wait, I don’t have a pulse, no wait no. Ohhhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: Oh, really thin. I better get the doctor (Brings Doctor Sluggo in)

Mr. Bill: Oh no! He’s no doctor, he just wants to be mean!

Mr. Hands: Sure he’s Doctor Sluggo. And he says there’s a draft in here. We better build up the fire. I’ll make some firewood. (chops up the table where Spot was hiding under with an axe.)

Mr. Bill: No wait, Spot! Oh no!

Mr. Hands: Here, this should warm things up. (tosses the table into the fireplace. The fire quickly starts spreading through the house.) Uh oh!

Mr. Bill: Oh wait. The house is on fire! Get me out, Mr. Hands! Get me out of here!

Mr. Hands: (Spray a fire extinguisher on Mr. Bill) Oh no. The fire extinguisher’s empty. We’ll have to try to escape. Out the window, Mr. Bill! (Tosses Mr. Bill out the window, breaking it.)

Mr. Bill: No wait! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh!

(Cut to an outside shot of Mr. Bill’s house burning.)

Mr. Hands: We’ll see you next time when Mr. Bill reads his insurance policy. Bye Bye!

Submitted by: Nick Johnson

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