SNL Transcripts: Bill Russell: 11/03/79: Sports Hotline


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 3

79c: Bill Russell / Chicago

Sports Hotline

Eddie McVey…..Bill Murray
Caller #1…..Tom Davis
Caller #2…..Peter Aykroyd
Caller #4…..Al Franken
…..Bill Russell

[ open on radio broadcast booth ]

Eddie McVey: This is “Sports Hotline”. I’m Eddie McVey. If there’s anything you want to know about any kind of sports, let me know, call me right now. [ he presses a button on the phone ] Hello, you’re on “Sports Hotline”!

Caller #1: Yeah, uh… Eddie?

Eddie McVey: Yeah!

Caller #1: Uhhh, this is Pete from El Camino.

Eddie McVey: Yeah, Pete — what’s your question?

Caller #1: Uhh — I’d like to know if you think taking the hedge rack out of soccer is gonna significantly, uh, change the game… or what?

Eddie McVey: Well, you know, Pete, I was against the change. The hedge rack makes for a lot of action. A stamper has to jump to avoid the bricks. You lose the hedge rack, I think you lose a lot of the beauty of the game. Sorry. [ he presses a button on the phone ] Yes — you’re on “Sports Hotline”!

Caller #2: Hi, Eddie? This is Sandy.

Eddie McVey: Yeah?

Caller #2: I want you to settle an argument for me — Two blade runners arrive at the disc at the same time. The judge gives each a red tag. Now that’s a point for every minute they’re on the field, right?

Eddie McVey: That’s right. Go on.

Caller #2: Well… what I want to know is… who gets to use the glass bat bat first, if they’ve both been tagged?

Eddie McVey: Well, it’s really quite simple, Sandy — The firt one off the field is the last one to use the bats. Does that answer your question?

Caller #2: Yeah. Thanks!

Eddie McVey: Sure. Stupid question, though! [ he presses a button on the phone ] Hello, “Sports Hotline”!

Caller #3: Eddie. What do you think of this kid, Stevens? Yuo think he’ll make it?

Eddie McVey: Well, I’ll tell you — he really showed me something last Friday. That move he put on the Taggert Twins was really something. They never even got CLOSE to putting the hood over his head. I like the way the kid plays.

Caller #3: Uh, I don’t know… I think he’s too young.

Eddie McVey: I don’t know what the Hell you know! Thanks for calling, though. [ he clicks the phone off ] I’m gonna stop for a minute here, uh, and I’d like to introduce someobdy here who’s my special guest. His name is… Bill Russell,, and, uh… he is a [ as though it’s not a real thing ] bas-ket-ball player. Uh, did I pronounce that correctly, Mr. Russell?

Bill Russell: [ incredulous ] Yeah! Right. Basket-ball.

Eddie McVey: Yeah, well, I suppose most of my listeners are kinda new to your game, Mr. Russell. I thought it would be reefreshing to explain it to them.

Bill Russell: Wat a minute! You don’t know about basketball? You run a sports hotline show, and you’ve never heard of basketball?

Eddie McVey: No, no — I’ve heard of basketball! I just don’t think a lot of people out there at home have heard of the game. I mean, it’s not like Sticks & Melons or anything?

Bill Russell: [ bewildered ] Sticks & Melons?! What’s that?!

Eddie McVey: Sticks & Melons? You don’t remember when you were a kid, Sticks & Melons? Nobody gets caught? [ mimicking ] “Oh, you don’t want to get caught holding the melon! Oh, he’s got the melon, you know?” Now we play Trellis, of course, but it’s basically the same game.

Bill Russell: Trellis? Melons? What are you talking about? This is supposed to be a sports show?

Eddie McVey: Not only is this a sports show, but I would be willing to bet that, uh, I have the most knowledgable sports listeners in all of radio. [ he grins smugly ]

Bill Russell: Really? Well, why don’t we call some of these so-called sports fans of yours?

Eddie McVey: Oh, you’re gonna end up looking like an idiot. It’s a great idea! [ he presses a button on the phone ] Alright. You want to talk to Bill Russell, former hot basketball player? Basketball, right? Goes in the basket? [ stumbling ] Dial, uh, around the basket… dial the Sports Hotline. Yes? [ he presses a button on the phone ] Sports Hotline, go ahead!

Caller #4: Uh, yeah — Mr. Russell?

Bill Russell: Yes?

Caller #4: Well, I’ve heard of basketball…

Eddie McVey: You see, Bill? You end up looking like a jerk! Go ahead.

Caller #4: Yeah. And I just wanted to know… uh… how many balls are used in a game? I mean, uh, it’s not like Rudderbat, is it?

Bill Russell: [ confused ] Rudderbat? This is your knowledgable audience?

Eddie McVey: Actually, I can understand the confusion — You see, in Rudderbat, every player has his own ball, and I would guess that, in your gme, it’s played with just one ball. Am I right?

Bill Russell: Yeah. Yeah. You’re right. There’s one ball you shoot through a hoop — or a basket — it’s called “basketball”. Now, I can’t believe I have to explain this, but, uh — have you ever seen a basketball game?

Eddie McVey: They do it in Mexico — baskets on the ground, right?

Bill Russell: Nooo. No, it’s not on the ground. In fact, it’s ten feet up in the air.

Eddie McVey: And you have to, what — put the ball through the basket? That’s to score points, or whatever?

Bill Russell: Exactly! You put the ball through the basket to score points. [ he rolls his eyes upward ]

Eddie McVey: Well, I wish we had more time, ’cause it sounds like a fun game. But there is one thing I’d like to ask you, Russell: You’re a big, tall guy, aren’t you?

Bill Russell: You might say that…

Eddie McVey: Now, now, you must have an incredible advantage for you to push the ball up through the basket.

Bill Russell: That’s right. It’s a big advantage.

Eddie McVey: By the way, what do you think of this new kid Stevens?

Bill Russell: Well, any kid who can handle those twins like that, with avoiding getting the hood blows in — I’ll tell you, he’s gotta make it. [ he shrugs ]

Eddie McVey: Couldn’t agree with you more, Bill! Thanks for coming down! This is Eddie McVey. I gotta go away. Tomorrow on “Sports Hotline”, I’m gonna be talking with Babe Tardish, who’s the cull’s sweeper for Topeka. I know every blood racquet nut, fan, aficienado is gonna want to tune in for that one. So so long, everybody, I’m gonna see you tomorrow. Eddie McVey, gotta go!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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