Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 5: Episode 3
Eddie McVey…..Bill Murray
Caller #1…..Tom Davis
Caller #2…..Peter Aykroyd
Caller #4…..Al Franken
Eddie McVey: This is “Sports Hotline”. I’m Eddie McVey. If there’s anything you want to know about any kind of sports, let me know, call me right now. [ he presses a button on the phone ] Hello, you’re on “Sports Hotline”!
Caller #1: Yeah, uh… Eddie?
Eddie McVey: Yeah!
Caller #1: Uhhh, this is Pete from El Camino.
Eddie McVey: Yeah, Pete — what’s your question?
Caller #1: Uhh — I’d like to know if you think taking the hedge rack out of soccer is gonna significantly, uh, change the game… or what?
Eddie McVey: Well, you know, Pete, I was against the change. The hedge rack makes for a lot of action. A stamper has to jump to avoid the bricks. You lose the hedge rack, I think you lose a lot of the beauty of the game. Sorry. [ he presses a button on the phone ] Yes — you’re on “Sports Hotline”!
Caller #2: Hi, Eddie? This is Sandy.
Eddie McVey: Yeah?
Caller #2: I want you to settle an argument for me — Two blade runners arrive at the disc at the same time. The judge gives each a red tag. Now that’s a point for every minute they’re on the field, right?
Eddie McVey: That’s right. Go on.
Caller #2: Well… what I want to know is… who gets to use the glass bat bat first, if they’ve both been tagged?
Eddie McVey: Well, it’s really quite simple, Sandy — The firt one off the field is the last one to use the bats. Does that answer your question?
Caller #2: Yeah. Thanks!
Eddie McVey: Sure. Stupid question, though! [ he presses a button on the phone ] Hello, “Sports Hotline”!
Caller #3: Eddie. What do you think of this kid, Stevens? Yuo think he’ll make it?
Eddie McVey: Well, I’ll tell you — he really showed me something last Friday. That move he put on the Taggert Twins was really something. They never even got CLOSE to putting the hood over his head. I like the way the kid plays.
Caller #3: Uh, I don’t know… I think he’s too young.
Eddie McVey: I don’t know what the Hell you know! Thanks for calling, though. [ he clicks the phone off ] I’m gonna stop for a minute here, uh, and I’d like to introduce someobdy here who’s my special guest. His name is… Bill Russell,, and, uh… he is a [ as though it’s not a real thing ] bas-ket-ball player. Uh, did I pronounce that correctly, Mr. Russell?
Bill Russell: [ incredulous ] Yeah! Right. Basket-ball.
Eddie McVey: Yeah, well, I suppose most of my listeners are kinda new to your game, Mr. Russell. I thought it would be reefreshing to explain it to them.
Bill Russell: Wat a minute! You don’t know about basketball? You run a sports hotline show, and you’ve never heard of basketball?
Eddie McVey: No, no — I’ve heard of basketball! I just don’t think a lot of people out there at home have heard of the game. I mean, it’s not like Sticks & Melons or anything?
Bill Russell: [ bewildered ] Sticks & Melons?! What’s that?!
Eddie McVey: Sticks & Melons? You don’t remember when you were a kid, Sticks & Melons? Nobody gets caught? [ mimicking ] “Oh, you don’t want to get caught holding the melon! Oh, he’s got the melon, you know?” Now we play Trellis, of course, but it’s basically the same game.
Bill Russell: Trellis? Melons? What are you talking about? This is supposed to be a sports show?
Eddie McVey: Not only is this a sports show, but I would be willing to bet that, uh, I have the most knowledgable sports listeners in all of radio. [ he grins smugly ]
Bill Russell: Really? Well, why don’t we call some of these so-called sports fans of yours?
Eddie McVey: Oh, you’re gonna end up looking like an idiot. It’s a great idea! [ he presses a button on the phone ] Alright. You want to talk to Bill Russell, former hot basketball player? Basketball, right? Goes in the basket? [ stumbling ] Dial, uh, around the basket… dial the Sports Hotline. Yes? [ he presses a button on the phone ] Sports Hotline, go ahead!
Caller #4: Uh, yeah — Mr. Russell?
Bill Russell: Yes?
Caller #4: Well, I’ve heard of basketball…
Eddie McVey: You see, Bill? You end up looking like a jerk! Go ahead.
Caller #4: Yeah. And I just wanted to know… uh… how many balls are used in a game? I mean, uh, it’s not like Rudderbat, is it?
Bill Russell: [ confused ] Rudderbat? This is your knowledgable audience?
Eddie McVey: Actually, I can understand the confusion — You see, in Rudderbat, every player has his own ball, and I would guess that, in your gme, it’s played with just one ball. Am I right?
Bill Russell: Yeah. Yeah. You’re right. There’s one ball you shoot through a hoop — or a basket — it’s called “basketball”. Now, I can’t believe I have to explain this, but, uh — have you ever seen a basketball game?
Eddie McVey: They do it in Mexico — baskets on the ground, right?
Bill Russell: Nooo. No, it’s not on the ground. In fact, it’s ten feet up in the air.
Eddie McVey: And you have to, what — put the ball through the basket? That’s to score points, or whatever?
Bill Russell: Exactly! You put the ball through the basket to score points. [ he rolls his eyes upward ]
Eddie McVey: Well, I wish we had more time, ’cause it sounds like a fun game. But there is one thing I’d like to ask you, Russell: You’re a big, tall guy, aren’t you?
Bill Russell: You might say that…
Eddie McVey: Now, now, you must have an incredible advantage for you to push the ball up through the basket.
Bill Russell: That’s right. It’s a big advantage.
Eddie McVey: By the way, what do you think of this new kid Stevens?
Bill Russell: Well, any kid who can handle those twins like that, with avoiding getting the hood blows in — I’ll tell you, he’s gotta make it. [ he shrugs ]
Eddie McVey: Couldn’t agree with you more, Bill! Thanks for coming down! This is Eddie McVey. I gotta go away. Tomorrow on “Sports Hotline”, I’m gonna be talking with Babe Tardish, who’s the cull’s sweeper for Topeka. I know every blood racquet nut, fan, aficienado is gonna want to tune in for that one. So so long, everybody, I’m gonna see you tomorrow. Eddie McVey, gotta go![ fade ]