Toilet Rush


Toilet Rush

Daddy…..Buck Henry
Mommy…..Jane Curtin
Daughter…..Gilda Radner


[ open on wide shot of cars passing down the street in the night ] [ dissolve to interior, suburban vehicle, Mommy and Daughter gripped in terror as Daddy speeds down the street like a maniac; camera shakes to create illusion that the car is rattling out of control ]

Mommy: Okay, okay, there’s a man getting out of a parked car on the right, up ahead. The door’s still open. Move to the left! Move to the left!

Daddy: Okay, okay, I see it!!

Mommy: Oh, you just missed him!

Daughter: Oh, Daddy, Daddy! There’s a car on your left! You’re going into his lane! There’s a.. there’s a boy on a bike! On the right side!

Mommy: See the reflectors?!!

Daddy: I see it!!

Mommy: Honey, slow down!

Daddy: I missed him, didn’t I?!

Daughter: No, Daddy, you knocked him over!

Mommy: Oh, Honey, slow down!

Daddy: You know I can’t slow down! Daddy’s gotta go to the bathroom!

Daughter: Well, can’t we stop at a gas station!

Daddy: No, no, no, no, no! Daddy can only go at home – you know that!

Mommy: Look out – a rabbit!!

Daughter: [ panicking ] Oh, no, Daddy!

[ stuffed rabbit is tossed at the front window of car, and bounces into the air and out of sight ]

Daughter: Oh, no! Daddy killed the rabbit!

Mommy: Stop driving!!

Daughter: The lights turning yellow!!

Daddy: I can make it!!

Daughter: It’s turning red!!

Daddy: I can make it!!

Daughter: It’s turning.. it turned.. it’s red!

Mommy: Honk the horn!!

[ they run the red light, as cars are heard wrecking in the background ]

Daddy: I shouldn’t have eaten that big meal so early in the day! I knew I couldn’t hold it all day!

Daughter: Daddy, daddy!! A dog!!

[ stuffed dog is tossed on the side of the car, and falls over the hood ]

Daddy: I think I missed it!

Mommy: No, you didn’t!!

Daughter: Oh, stop!!

Daddy: Only half a mile to go!

Daughter: Oh, Daddy!! Watch out for those men in the crosswalk!!

Daddy: Okay, I see them!

[ two men jump across the hood and fall off to the sides ]

Mommy: Agggghhhhh!!!

Daughter: Slow down!!

[ cut to car rolling onto the curb and crashing into wall ] [ cut to another car flipping onto its back ] [ cut to third car, upside-down and in flames ]

Voice of Daddy: Okay, we’re home!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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