Toilet Rush

Toilet Rush

Daddy…..Buck Henry
Mommy…..Jane Curtin
Daughter…..Gilda Radner

[ open on wide shot of cars passing down the street in the night ] [ dissolve to interior, suburban vehicle, Mommy and Daughter gripped in terror as Daddy speeds down the street like a maniac; camera shakes to create illusion that the car is rattling out of control ]

Mommy: Okay, okay, there’s a man getting out of a parked car on the right, up ahead. The door’s still open. Move to the left! Move to the left!

Daddy: Okay, okay, I see it!!

Mommy: Oh, you just missed him!

Daughter: Oh, Daddy, Daddy! There’s a car on your left! You’re going into his lane! There’s a.. there’s a boy on a bike! On the right side!

Mommy: See the reflectors?!!

Daddy: I see it!!

Mommy: Honey, slow down!

Daddy: I missed him, didn’t I?!

Daughter: No, Daddy, you knocked him over!

Mommy: Oh, Honey, slow down!

Daddy: You know I can’t slow down! Daddy’s gotta go to the bathroom!

Daughter: Well, can’t we stop at a gas station!

Daddy: No, no, no, no, no! Daddy can only go at home – you know that!

Mommy: Look out – a rabbit!!

Daughter: [ panicking ] Oh, no, Daddy!

[ stuffed rabbit is tossed at the front window of car, and bounces into the air and out of sight ]

Daughter: Oh, no! Daddy killed the rabbit!

Mommy: Stop driving!!

Daughter: The lights turning yellow!!

Daddy: I can make it!!

Daughter: It’s turning red!!

Daddy: I can make it!!

Daughter: It’s turning.. it turned.. it’s red!

Mommy: Honk the horn!!

[ they run the red light, as cars are heard wrecking in the background ]

Daddy: I shouldn’t have eaten that big meal so early in the day! I knew I couldn’t hold it all day!

Daughter: Daddy, daddy!! A dog!!

[ stuffed dog is tossed on the side of the car, and falls over the hood ]

Daddy: I think I missed it!

Mommy: No, you didn’t!!

Daughter: Oh, stop!!

Daddy: Only half a mile to go!

Daughter: Oh, Daddy!! Watch out for those men in the crosswalk!!

Daddy: Okay, I see them!

[ two men jump across the hood and fall off to the sides ]

Mommy: Agggghhhhh!!!

Daughter: Slow down!!

[ cut to car rolling onto the curb and crashing into wall ] [ cut to another car flipping onto its back ] [ cut to third car, upside-down and in flames ]

Voice of Daddy: Okay, we’re home!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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