Toilet Rush
Daddy…..Buck Henry
Mommy…..Jane Curtin
Daughter…..Gilda Radner
[ open on wide shot of cars passing down the street in the night ]
[ dissolve to interior, suburban vehicle, Mommy and Daughter gripped in terror as Daddy speeds down the street like a maniac; camera shakes to create illusion that the car is rattling out of control ]
Mommy: Okay, okay, there’s a man getting out of a parked car on the right, up ahead. The door’s still open. Move to the left! Move to the left!
Daddy: Okay, okay, I see it!!
Mommy: Oh, you just missed him!
Daughter: Oh, Daddy, Daddy! There’s a car on your left! You’re going into his lane! There’s a.. there’s a boy on a bike! On the right side!
Mommy: See the reflectors?!!
Daddy: I see it!!
Mommy: Honey, slow down!
Daddy: I missed him, didn’t I?!
Daughter: No, Daddy, you knocked him over!
Mommy: Oh, Honey, slow down!
Daddy: You know I can’t slow down! Daddy’s gotta go to the bathroom!
Daughter: Well, can’t we stop at a gas station!
Daddy: No, no, no, no, no! Daddy can only go at home – you know that!
Mommy: Look out – a rabbit!!
Daughter: [ panicking ] Oh, no, Daddy!
[ stuffed rabbit is tossed at the front window of car, and bounces into the air and out of sight ]
Daughter: Oh, no! Daddy killed the rabbit!
Mommy: Stop driving!!
Daughter: The lights turning yellow!!
Daddy: I can make it!!
Daughter: It’s turning red!!
Daddy: I can make it!!
Daughter: It’s turning.. it turned.. it’s red!
Mommy: Honk the horn!!
[ they run the red light, as cars are heard wrecking in the background ]
Daddy: I shouldn’t have eaten that big meal so early in the day! I knew I couldn’t hold it all day!
Daughter: Daddy, daddy!! A dog!!
[ stuffed dog is tossed on the side of the car, and falls over the hood ]
Daddy: I think I missed it!
Mommy: No, you didn’t!!
Daughter: Oh, stop!!
Daddy: Only half a mile to go!
Daughter: Oh, Daddy!! Watch out for those men in the crosswalk!!
Daddy: Okay, I see them!
[ two men jump across the hood and fall off to the sides ]
Mommy: Agggghhhhh!!!
Daughter: Slow down!!
[ cut to car rolling onto the curb and crashing into wall ]
[ cut to another car flipping onto its back ]
[ cut to third car, upside-down and in flames ]
Voice of Daddy: Okay, we’re home!
[ fade ]
