Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 5: Episode 4
79d: Buck Henry / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
Love Contract
Hampton Jitney…..Bill Murray
Muffy Barber…..Laraine Newman
Ed Rosen…..Buck Henry
Stan Brewster…..Harry Shearer
Loretta…..Jane Curtin
Algonquin J. Calhoun…..Garrett Morris
[ open on Hampton Jitney seated on couch with Muffy Barber ]
Hampton Jitney: Muffy? Remember when I todl you I had a very important question I wanted to ask you tonight, the most important question I’ve ever asked anyone? Do you know what I was talking about?
Muffy Barber: Well, I… I think I do.
Hampton Jitney: Are you glad?
Muffy Barber: Yes. Aren’t you glad?
Hampton Jitney: Yes. But I’m a little nervous. Since I thought it was the most important question I’d ever ask, or that I probably ever will ask… I didn’t want to ask it without my lawyer present.
[ the doorbell rings ]
Hampton Jitney: Well, that must be him. I told him to come. [ he kisses Muffy on the cheek ] I’ll get it, kitten. Stay right there.
[ he opens the door to Ed Rosen ]
Hampton Jitney: Hi!
Ed Rosen: Hi.
Hampton Jitney: Oh. How are you?
Muffy Barber: Honey, I’m sorry! That’s my lawyer! You see… when you told me that it was the most important question that you’d ever want to ask, I knew it would be the most important question I’d ever have to answer, and I figured I should have my lawyer present. [ to Ed ] Oh, I’m sorry! This is my fiancee, Hampton Jitney; my attorney, Ed Rosen.
[ suddenly, Stan Brewster enters ]
Stan Brewster: Hey! How are you, everybody?
Ed Rosen: Hi.
Hampton Jitney: Hi.
Muffy Barber: Who’s that?
Hampton Jitney: Oh! Uh, well, this is my lawyer — Stan Brewster; my fiancee, Muffy Barber.
Stan Brewster: How do you do?
Hampton Jitney: And, uh, her lawyer —
Stan Brewster: Ed Rosen! We’ve met!
Ed Rosen: Yes, indeed!
Hampton Jitney: Okay! Well, sit down. Would you like a drink?
Stan Brewster: No.
Ed Rosen: No, nothing for me, no.
[ they all sit ]
Stan Brewster: This is, uh, this is quite a change for us.
Ed Rosen: Yes, we usually meet in Divorce Court.
Stan Brewster: That’s correct. But I don’t think it’s gonna be too much trouble today. [ to Muffy ] Hampton just wants you to kind of set a few guidelines. Basically, what he wants to convey is nothing more complicated than the house, the car, the business and the investments… will be outside.
Muffy Barber: Outside?
Stan Brewster: Yes, outside the marriage.
Hampton Jitney: I don’t want money to ever come between us. Everybody we know is always fighting, and it’s always about money. Anything you ever want, I will give to you… if it’s within my power. You’ll never want, and you’ll never go hungry. [ he kisses her cheek ]
Muffy Barber: Oh, Cupcake… that’s so sweet! But I, uh, I do think we should have some kind of committment to say that we care about each other.
Ed Rosen: Uhhhh, by “caring”, we mean on an equal property agreement which would include cars, house, and business. Uh, our definition of “caring” would also include a compulsory financial committment in the order of shared life insurance, joint tenancy in all real estates, stocks and jewelry, to be divided equally upon the dissolution of the relationship.
Muffy Barber: Just in case you die, honey.
Hampton Jitney: But… Sweet Stuff… I-I-I’m just not sure about this equal property provision. You know, what if you have a stroke… and we’re supposed to sign everything jointly, and I need to cash in, say, the life insurance to pay for your medical supplies. I’m taking care of you, and mopping your forehead, and changing your bedpan, and making sure you’re comfortable and everything… and you’ve lost all the motor power on your right side. You can’t even wave Yes or No, let alone sign anything.
Ed Rosen: Ah-ah! I don’t think that’s a relevant point. If anything like that ever happens, of course there’ll be love and concern. We certainly don’t need to worry about that! What we’re talking about is a partnership here, and where to base that partnership. [ he leans closer to Muffy ] Uh — if you have a brain in your head, you’ll do it, Bianca, demand a permanent domicile in California.
Muffy Barber: [ sweetly, to Hampton ] Tootsie Roll! Can we get married and live in California forever and everrrrr?
[ Hampton chuckles nervously, as his lawyer leans forward ]
Stan Brewster: A temporary residence, not to exceed 90 days or else you can kiss the family jewels goodbye.
Hampton Jitney: Oh, you know, honey, I like California… but I’m gonna need to get back to New York and recharge my batteries. You know I’m gonna need that every couple of months.
Ed Rosen: Okay, okay! Joint tentacy, but SEPARATE domiciles!
Stan Brewster: Hey, look, I don’t understand why we’re having this whole discussion! You know, MY understanding of what we were doing here is just a simple prenuptial agreement. There’s nothing complicated about it, it’s a fairly standard form. As a matter of fact, my colleague here helped me to write it in the first place!
Ed Rosen: Well… there’s no way that my client is going to sign this thing without SUBSTANTIAL amendments.
Hampton Jitney: Honey! How could you possibly DO this to me?! I would think that if you loved me, you would never want to embarrass me in front of my attorney.
Muffy Barber: This is the SAME thing we were talking about last night, Hampton — your constant HARPING on how I’m after your money! We can’t work this way!
Hampton Jitney: Lovemumps… I’m not doing anything that someone — anyone else in my position wouldn’t do. I mean, marriage is different nowadays. It’s gotta be a direct, honest relationship, a direct agreement… it’s an AGREEMENT! It’s, uh —
Stan Brewster: A contract.
Hampton Jitney: It’s a contract! It’s — it’s — it’s NOTORIZED! It’s, uh —
Stan Brewster: It’s binding.
Hampton Jitney: It’s BINDING! It’s a binding, notorized contract!
Muffy Barber: But it’s love!
Ed Rosen: Yes! She’s absolutely right! And that’s why we’re not signing! This contract is sexist, it’s one-sided, it’s not representive of my client! This isn’t love! It’s not protective! You don’t know the meaning of love!
Stan Brewster: Well, it’s our FINAL offer! Take it or leave it!
Ed Rosen: Well, FORGET it! We can do better than this!
Stan Brewster: So can we! We don’t need you!
Ed Rosen: [ grabbing Muffy’s arm ] Muffy, we’re not staying here for this!
Muffy Barber: Oh… well, I’m so confused, Love Wubby. Perhaps we shouldn’t get married right now, if we’re not sure how we feel about each other.
Hampton Jitney: Yeah, I wish I knew for both of us , my little Famous Amos.
[ the doorbell rings ]
Hampton Jitney: I’ll get it. Excuse me.
[ Hampton answers the door to Loretta and her lawyer ]
Loretta: Hampton, darling, I’ve reconsidered. I’ve talked it over with my lawyer, Mr. Calhoun, here, and I’m ready to sign.
Algonquin J. Calhoun: That’s right! Uh, we’ll accept with no clauses.
Hampton Jitney: Oh, Loretta! You’re ready to commit! [ he hugs her ] Sweet heart! [ to Muffy ] And you, Muffy… I stuck with you all the way. But when push came to shove, you shoved! You turned on me! Well, I don’t ever want to see you or your lawyer again in my house.
Ed Rosen: What do you mean, your house? Does the word “palimony” mean anything to you?!
Hampton Jitney: Oh, sure…
Ed Rosen: I’m gonna slap a lien on this house you won’t BELIEVE!!
Muffy Barber: I don’t know, Marty… maybe I wasn’t ready for a relationship that —
Ed Rosen: Don’t give up, kid! We’re in a stronger position now than when we walked in. We’re gonna make him pay! Technically, you lived under the same roof, all those vacations together, those —
[ Ed Rosen walks his client out of the apartment ]
[ Loretta attempts to sign the contract ]
Loretta: You know, my pen’s out of ink. Can I use yours?
Hampton Jitney: Oh, honey! [ he pulls a pen out of his pocket ] Use mine.
Loretta: Oh, thank you, darling!
[ Algonquin J. Calhoun approaches Hampton’s lawyer ]
Algonquin J. Calhoun: Algonquin J. Calhoun is the name!
[ they shake hands and sit down to talk ]
[ pull back, with SUPER: “coming up next: Biorhythm & Blues” ]
[ fade ]
