Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 5: Episode 4
Lisa Loopner…..Gilda Radner
Todd DiLaMuca…..Bill Murray
Enid Loopner…..Jane Curtin
Marshall DiLaMuca…..Buck Henry
[ open on Lisa Loopner and Todd DiLaMuca entering the Loopner living room to sit on the couch ]
Lisa Loopner: Boy, Todd… you sure wolfed down dinner in a hurry!
Todd DiLaMuca: That’s because I’m hungry for some of that Loopner lunch pail, that’s all.
Lisa Loopner: Oh. Now, Todd, we’ve been through this a ZILLION times, and the answer to your pathetic animal needs is still “NO!! N-O spells NO!!”
Todd DiLaMuca: [ as he tries to peek under Lisa’s skirt ] Lisa… according to Masters & Johnson, I’m at my sexual peak. Give in to me now, my kitten, and I shall remember you when you peak at about 55 or 60…
Lisa Loopner: Todd! That’s real big of you! But — according to Sherry Hite, you can never give me as much pleasure as I can give myself!
Todd DiLaMuca: What does Sherry Hite know? She’s never dated me.
Lisa Loopner: Yeah. Well, personally — [ as Todd rubs her shoulder ] Stop, Todd! [ she laughs ] I feel that in our culture, sex is overrated. [ Todd blows at her, she blows back ] I mean, look at my mother. I mean, she’s perfectly happy with the memory of my father — the late Mr. Loopner —
Together: God rest his soul.
Todd DiLaMuca: Well, YOU look at your mother — her shoulders are up around her ears. The woman is repressed! I mean, she’s got problems.
Lisa Loopner: That’s because her bra straps are too tight!
Todd DiLaMuca: Oh, yeah… sure.
[ Mrs. Loopner enters with a jar of mayonnaise ]
Mrs. Loopner: Todd? Could you unscrew this for me? I seem to have screwed the lid on too hard.
Todd DiLaMuca: Certainly, Mrs. Loopner. [ he struggles with the jar ] It’s really jammed, isn’t it? [ he finally pops the lid ]
Mrs. Loopner: Ooooh, Todd! You have such a strong right arm!
Lisa Loopner: Yeah. He works out with it a lot.
[ Todd gives her a dirty look ]
Mrs. Loopner: Well, back to the salt mines!
Lisa Loopner: Mom! Mom? Forget about the egg salad. I can BUY lunch!
Mrs. Loopner: Oh, Lisa. I enjoy making egg salad. It gives me great pleasure. That, and ironing contoured sheets.
[ Mrs. Loopner exits back to the kitchen ]
Todd DiLaMuca: Ironing contour sheets.
Lisa Loopner: Todd… maybe she IS sublimating her sexual energy.
Todd DiLaMuca: Oh-ho-ho, perhaps, Diapolis. Hey, my dad’s the same way ever since we lost my mom. But I don’t want you to end up like that, Lisa. [ he wraps his arm around her ] I want that pink, pink blush of your nose… spread down, down, down your cheeks… across your rather unusually skinny and fleshy neck… [ Lisa laughs ] down to your rosy halo to your chest — whwrever your chest may be.
Lisa Loopner: Cut it out, Pizza-Face!
Todd DiLaMuca: Lisa, prove your love to me — or else you’ll be responsible for giving me a painful case of… LOVER’S NOOGIE!
[ he proceeds to pound her on the head ]
Lisa Loopner: Todd!
Todd DiLaMuca: That’s right! You know what Lover’s Noogies are — it’s when your head turns all blue and swells up?
Lisa Loopner: Oh, that’s so funny I forgot to laugh!
[ the doorbell rings ]
Lisa Loopner: I’ll get it.
Todd DiLaMuca: Get what?
[ Todd’s dad is at the door ]
Lisa Loopner: Hello, Mr. DiLaMuca!
Mr. DiLaMuca: Hello, Lisa!
Lisa Loopner: Nice to see you!
Mr. DiLaMuca: Nice to see you, too! Todd, a little bird told me that I’d find you here! And no wonder, when I look at Lisa! [ he snorts ]
Lisa Loopner: Thank you, Mr. DiLaMuca!
Mr. DiLaMuca: Uh — where are you hiding that GORGEOUS mother of yours?
Lisa Loopner: She’s in the kitchen.
Todd DiLaMuca: Why don’t you go get her? [ he gives Lisa a secret signal ]
Mr. DiLaMuca: Ohhh, don’t go to any trouble on my account.
Lisa Loopner: [ catching on ] Oh, yeah — right! Why don’t I go get her! Yeah! It’s no trouble!
[ Lisa skips into the kitchen ]
Mr. DiLaMuca: Well, Son, we’re in luck! I managed to get TWO tickets to the Tri-State All-Star Chess tournament tonight! How about stepping out with your old man!
Todd DiLaMuca: Gee, Dad… I’d love to, but I’ve got some Trig homework that I’m dying to get to. I’m really excited about it. Say, I know — why don’t you ask, uh, Mrs. Loopner to go with you?
Mr. DiLaMuca: Ask Enid?
Todd DiLaMuca: Sure. It’ll do her good to get out of the house — and it may do me some good, too, if you get my drift.
Mr. DiLaMuca: [ laughing ] Oh, she wouldn’t want to go out with an old fogey like me!
Todd DiLaMuca: Uh, maybe not, Dad, but, uh… deep down, she’s DYING for it! I know that. Deep down.
Mr. DiLaMuca: Uhhhh — [ he chuckles laciviously ]
Todd DiLaMuca: Dad? I have a confession to make, between us guys. I found that shoebox of yours with the Belgian postcards.
Mr. DiLaMuca: Todd! What were you doing in my underwear drawer?
Todd DiLaMuca: Sorry, Dad. I looked at them all, except for those two that were stuck together.
Mr. DiLaMuca: Too bad. Those were the best ones.
Todd DiLaMuca: You know, uh, that thought had occurred to me! [ he laughs ]
Mr. DiLaMuca: Yeah, but, but, but, uh — [ laughing ] Enid Loopner? She’s a whole lot of woman!
Todd DiLaMuca: She’s a beast. Now, Dad, I happen to know that, uh, Mrs. Loopner is a natural blonde.
Mr. DiLaMuca: What? You’ve seen her in her… birthday suit? [ he laughs ]
Todd DiLaMuca: Don’t gross me out, Dad. I mean, the hair on her arms is blonde.
Mr. DiLaMuca: Oh!
[ Lisa and her mom enter ]
Mrs. Loopner: Marshall! Long time, no see!
Todd DiLaMuca: Oh, boy, Dad! Go for it!
Mr. DiLaMuca: Hello, Enid! How’s every little thing?
[ Todd pushes his dad closer to Mrs. Loopner ]
Mrs. Loopner: Couldn’t be better! Ohhh, I see you’ve grown a beard!
Mr. DiLaMuca: I had to stop shaving because of this painful skin condition!
Lisa Loopner: Like father, like son!
Mrs. Loopner: Well, I always say a man without a beard is like a hot apple pie without cheese!
[ they all laugh ]
Lisa Loopner: Mom! Mom, let me take off your apron, and show your beautiful housecoat! Isn’t it pretty?
Todd DiLaMuca: Oh, yes. Isn’t Mrs. Loopner wearing an attractive housecoat, Dad?
Mrs. Loopner: Well, it is a housecoat — it’s just for wearing aound the house!
Todd DiLaMuca: I don’t know about that. I’d say it could go anywhere — you could even wear it to a chess tournament, for example, don’t you think?
Mr. DiLaMuca: I — I — I — do have two tickets.
Mrs. Loopner: [ flattered ] Oh. Oh, Marshall… [ she laughs ] Well, I don’t mean to be a mulligan, but, uh… you know, I always thought, um… I mean, I really, uh… you know, Marshall, whatever became of Mrs. DiLaMuca?
Mr. DiLaMuca: That, Enid, is the $64,000 question.
[ they laugh hysterically ]
Todd DiLaMuca: Dad? Please. You promised.
Mr. DiLaMuca: We lost Mrs. DiLaMuca some twelve years ago.
Mrs. Loopner: Oh, dear… how did it happen?
Mr. DiLaMuca: We lost her at Expo ’67. She was supposed to meet us at the car.
Todd DiLaMuca: Dad! No! Come on!
Mr. DiLaMuca: Well, she said she just wanted to go and buy one of those little wooden dolls with all the other little wooden dolls inside, you know? And she wasn’t sure which pavilion to go to — Bulgaria or Romania.
Lisa Loopner: You mean, she wasn’t killed in Vietnam?
Todd DiLaMuca: No, Lisa. She wasn’t an Army nurse, she didn’t win the Congressional Medal of Honor, either.
Lisa Loopner: Todd, you’re a liar!
Mr. DiLaMuca: I blame myself!
Mrs. Loopner: Oh, Marshall, you musn’t.
Mr. DiLaMuca: What about the chess tournament, Enid? Will you go with me?
Mrs. Loopner: [ excited ] Well… who’s playing?
Mr. DiLaMuca: Ferg Ginsburg and Jeffrey Stutz. [ Mrs. Loopner gasps ] It should be pretty exciting — the winner gets to try out for the Semi-Finals.
Mrs. Loopner: Oh, that sounds like fun!
Mr. DiLaMuca: You know, Enid, sometimes I get so excited watching… I almost make a noise.
Mrs. Loopner: Oh? Well, I’d like to go, Marshall, but I just put a fresh batch of eggs on to boil.
Todd DiLaMuca: Ohhh, don’t worry, Mrs. Loopner, I’ll watch the eggs.
Mr. DiLaMuca: Alright, what’ll it be, Enid? Yay, or Nay?
Lisa Loopner: Oh, GO, Mom! You’d be CRAZY not to go! It’s great! I’d KILL to go! Come on, Mom, go!
Mr. DiLaMuca: You mean, you — wai — what? Well, then… take my ticket, here.
[ Todd throws his arms up in bewilderment ]
Lisa Loopner: What?
Mr. DiLaMuca: Well, yeah, if you really want to go. Of course — well, BOTH of you go! Alright? Here are the tickets. [ he hands each Loopner a ticket ] You’d better hurry now!
Mrs. Loopner: B-but what about the eggs?
Mr. DiLaMuca: We’ll worry about the eggs!
Mrs. Loopner: Are you sure, Marshall?
[ Todd Smacks a stack of books on his head ]
Mr. DiLaMuca: Yes! Don’t you worry about the eggs! Just go and have a DARN good time!
Mrs. Loopner: Now, Lisa, did you leave the keys in the Gremlin?
Lisa Loopner: Yeah, I think I did, Mom!
Mrs. Loopner: Marshall, thank you.
Lisa Loopner: Okay, byyyye! Goodbye! I guess I’ll see you in school!
Todd DiLaMuca: Goodbye, Lisa…
Lisa Loopner: Thanks, Mr. DiLaMuca!
Mr. DiLaMuca: Have a good time now!
[ the Loopners leave, as the DiLaMucas sit on the couch ]
Todd DiLaMuca: Oh, way to go, Dad.
Mr. DiLaMuca: Well! I guess now we have a… couple of hours to kill?
Todd DiLaMuca: Aw, that’s okay. I brought the postcards with me. [ he pulls them out of his textbook ] Look at this!
[ Father and Son look over their naughty postcards together, as the camera pulls back with SUPER: “coming up next: Kamikaze TV Pilots” ]
[ fade ]