Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 5: Episode 5
Teddy Naddler…..Harry Shearer
Andrew Mazelle…..Paul Shaffer
Danny Dare…..Bill MurrayMargie Pantelle…..Gilda RadnerGreg Dobson…..Garrett MorrisGuests…..Anne Beatts, Andy Murphy, Alan Zweibel
Bea: Well… I really think we can’t wait any longer. [ ] I’d like to thank you all for coming up to my apartment, to hear what I think may be the next major rock musical of the American theater! [ the crowd claps ] And on behalf of the New York Advanced Theater Foundation, I’d like to welcome you all as potential investors of the show. We have supported these two young, briliantly-talented men for the past six months, and now we’re all very hopeful about this… their latest show. Ehich is called — with the simplicity of great art — “Two Men”. Please welcome the NEXT geniuses of the American rock theater — Teddy Naddler and Andrew Mazelle![ the two men emerge from the room, kiss Bea on the cheek, then take their positions standing behind the piano ]
Teddy Naddler: Thank you so much. “Two Men”, as the title implies, is the story of two men. But it’s much more.
Andrew Mazelle: Yes! It’s as a story as old as the rock musical form itself — the story of good vs. evil.
Teddy Naddler: Our two men actually lived. And it’s from them we draw inspiration. One was Jay Seabring — at the time, the best known hair stylist in Hollywood. The other… was Charles Manson. Enough said.
Andrew Mazelle: [ pointing to a trio seated off to the side ] Now, we have invited these three extremely talented kids to help us tonight: Danny Dare —
Teddy Naddler: Over on the end.
Andrew Mazelle: Kind enough to take the night off from his duties as Robert Klein’s understudy in “They’re Playing Our Song”.
Teddy Naddler: Margie Pantell has been working downtown at the Women’s Commercial Theater Collective.
Andrew Mazelle: And Mr. Greg Dobson is rehearsing for a Broadway revival of the all-Black version of “Low Doll”. Of course, in the actual cast we’re hoping for all big names.
Teddy Naddler: Our Narrator is kind of an everyman. He sings the story of the show. He narrates the story in song. He’s another character based on a person who is actually living — Mel Torme. [ Andrew starts playing the piano ] He’s onstage in limbo. He sings the opening song — “The Ballad of Two Men”.
Andrew Mazelle: [ singing ]“Charlie’s hot; Was evil, dear.
Like Knievel, dear.
Hey, but Jay; He loved to beautify.
They’d never see.
Two men. Two men.
One did hair in Hollywood.
Two-oo-oo men. Two-oo-oo-oo-oo men.
But one… was up… to no good.”
Bea: Now tell me, though — does this mean that we would have to get Mel Torme for the show?
Andrew Mazelle: Uhhh, well — it’s not so much Mel Torme the performer. We’re talking, more, Mel Torme the idea.
Teddy Naddler: Mel walks offstage — we’re in Jay’s salon. This is where most of the action of the show takes place. It’s Hollywood’s most IN salon — all the celebrities have their hair done there. There are plants hanging… and, in the middle of the room, there’s a HUGE SINK! If you saw the, uh, big toilet in “Lenny” — it’s at LEAST that big.
Andrew Mazelle: Yeah. Uh, it’s about eight o’clock at night… and the last celebrity has left the salon. Jay is alone at the sink.
Teddy Naddler: He’s getting ready for the big party — he’s getting dressed and, in an ironic touch here, he’s fixing his own hair. And he sings a song about he emotional turmoil he’s going through… called “Burglar of Love”.[ Danny Dare steps forward and rest on the edge of the piano ]
Danny Dare: [ singing ]“What is this passion that binds me
That keeps all my lovers behind me
When was it, push came to shooooove!
Made me a burglar… of loooooove!!
Why can’t I fall in love, like any other man?
Where do I go
to find out who I really am?
When will this strange torment cease?
Why can’t I burgle in peeeeeace?
Why must you call the poliiiiiiice?
I’m just a burg-l-er!
Don’t let me be, just a burg-l-er!
I’m just a burg-l-er… of love!”
Bea: Excuse me just a moment, fellas?
Teddy Naddler: Yes?
Bea: Is “burgle” a real word?[ Teddy and Andrew shrug ]
Andrew Mazelle: We’re not sure about that.
Teddy Naddler: We’ll look it up! We’ll look it up. [ Bea returns to her seat ] Okay! Now we go a little experimental here. Judy Garland’s daughter — Lorna Luft — meets and falls in love with Jay. Uh, through a series of sliding partitions, rotating stage platforms, probably some lasers — we’re now in Jay’s apartment.
Andrew Mazelle: Now, remember — we NEVER lose… the big sink in the background. That’s always there. That’s always there.
Teddy Naddler: Okay, Lorna wants to settle down, have a meaningful relationship — Jay wants to succeed in Hollywood. They sing a duet called “You Don’t Stay Home/I Want to Go Out”.[ Danny and Markie Pantell step up to the piano together ]
Margie Pantell: [ singing slowly ]“You don’t stay home!
Come what may, home!
Hip hooray, home.
Where I’ll be.”
Danny Dare: [ singing up-tempo ]“I want to go out, where all the lights are bright!
I want to go OUT! And do my thing tonight!
I need to party, with people I dig!
IMPORTANT people! I’ve gotta think big!
Got to go disco! Got to go disco!
I want to go out! Where all the lights are bright!”
Margie Pantell: [ singing ]“You donnnn’t staaayyy hoooome!”
Danny Dare: [ singing ]“I want to go out! And do my thing tonight!”
Margie Pantell: [ singing ]“Coooome whaaaaat maaaayyyy hooooome!”
Danny Dare: [ singing ]“I need to party, with people I dig!”
Margie Pantell: [ singing ]“Hiiiiip hoooooraaaayyyy hooooome!”
Danny Dare: [ singing ]“Important people! I’ve gotta think big!”
Margie Pantell: [ singing ]“Wherrrrrre I’llllll beeeee!”
Danny Dare: [ singing ]“Got to go disco! Got to go disco!
Margie Pantell: [ singing ]“Stay home!”[ the room applauds, as Bea steps forward ]
Bea: Uh, fellas, if you don’t mind my asking. But, just to clarify for everybody…
Teddy Naddler: We should just make it clear — Jay GOES to the party… Lorna stays home.
Bea: Yes. But the question I wanted: I presume that he or we are not talking about the real Lorna Luft?
Teddy Naddler: Well! Well! It’d be GREAT if we could get her, but… the basic, uh, point here is just the idea of somebody who’s Liza’s sister.
Bea: Ah.[ Bea sits ]
Teddy Naddler: Okay. All of a sudden, in limbo, we meet Charlie and his girls in the desert.
Andrew Mazelle: Alright, listen — they have just spent a week listening to The Beatles’ White Album — about 150 times — and Charlie has realized that there is a secret message for him in the song “Revolution #9”. This is all true, by the way. It’s all coming from the Odyysey.
Teddy Naddler: Yeah. Now, Charlie sings this song… “Nine”. It’s kind of a special little story attached to it, because it’s written in 9/4 time. You may remember we used that in “Tommy on Ice”. It’s a song called “Nine”.
Andrew Mazelle: 9/4 time.[ Greg Dobson steps up and leans against the piano ]
Greg Dobson: [ singing ]“How many fingers would you have if you lost one? Nine!
How many players are on a baseball team? Nine!
This number nine! Is coming your way!
And it’s not gonna be good.
Negroes will riot!
White people will riot!
Everybody will riot!!
Teddy Naddler: The stage goes black.[ the room applauds ]
Teddy Naddler: We’re at the party. But Jay — there’s a lot of lights and lasers.
Andrew Mazelle: Suddenly, the lights go out, the music stops, and a single spotlight focuses on Jay… meeting Charlie. Jay says:
Danny Dare: Hi.
Teddy Naddler: Charlie says:
Greg Dobson: Nice… to meet you.
Andrew Mazelle: Entire stage… goes black! He don’t see ANYHING! You just hear… Mel Torme singing a reprise of “Two Men” — this time, with lyrics that cover the whole “Helter Skelter” thing.
Teddy Naddler: See, this is how we get around that [ he makes finger quotes ] “bad taste” question. Uh — Jay passes on, Evil seems to have won out over Good.
Andrew Mazelle: And the next thing we see is the sink… on a deserted stage. Lorna, dressed in black, goes to the sink… and sings… this song.[ Margie steps up once again ]
Margie Pantell: [ singing ]There’s a hole… in my heart… where a man was.
Excuse me for living, but I care.
I got no one beside me
to love and to guide me
And who’s, gonna do, my hair?
I can’t go on, now that he’s gone!
Hey! What’s happening… with the sink?”
Teddy Naddler: At this point, the sink is bathed in a brilliant white light! Jay rises up out of the sink — REBORN! Good triumphs over Evil! And Jay joins Lorna for the finale, with a counter obligato from… Mel Torme.[ Danny joins Margie at the piano ]
Danny Dare: [ singing ]“There’s a maaaan in your heart
where the hole was.
I’m back with the living, and not deeeeeead.”
Margie Pantell: [ singing ]“Now I’ve got you beside meVto love and to guide me!”[ in the background, Teddy moves his lips silently to the lyrics ]
Danny Dare: [ singing ]“And I’ll always dooooo…”
Margie Pantell: [ singing ]“Yes, you’ll always dooooo…”[ Margie removes her cap and lets her long, luxurious hair flow down ]
Together: “Yes, I’ll/you’ll always doooooo… your/my haaaaaaiiiiirrrrr!!”[ the room applauds wildly ]
Bea: Wonderful! Wonderful! I LOVE when you keyed in on the word “hair” at the end!
Teddy Naddler: Yeah.
Bea: Well, God willing, we have another “Hair” on our hands! [ to her guests ] I’m sure you all share my feelings that this going to be THE major theatrical hit of the Eighties![ Teddy crosses his fingers ]
Bea: So why don’t we get out our checkbooks, and we’ll talk about it over cake, okay?
Andrew Mazelle: FABULOUS idea!
Teddy Naddler: Yeah!
Andrew Mazelle: Thanks! Thanks![ Bea kisses the boys on the cheek, as the guests surround them ] [ pull back, with SUPER: “coming up next… Bowling For Glory” ] [ fade ]