SNL Transcripts: Bea Arthur: 11/17/79: Drop Out

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 5

79e: Bea Arthur / The Roches

Drop Out

Mom…..Jane Curtin
Dad…..Bill Murray
Tommy…..Tom Davis
General…..Harry Shearer
Soldier…..Al Franken
Other Soldiers…..Peter Aykroyd, Jim Downey, Matt Neuman, Max Pross

[ open on suburban kitchen at breakfast time, as high-pitched siren sounds in the background ]

Mom: Honey, do you want some more coffee?

Dad: I’m sorry. I can’t hear you, honey.

[ the siren mutes ]

Mom: Do you want some more coffee, sweetheart?

Dad: Uh — no. I gotta get going, I’m late.

Mom: Oh.

Dad: where’s Tommy? He’s gonna be late for school and not have time for breakfast.

Mom: You know that I had to stick my head in his door TWICE just to get him up this morning!

[ Tommy stumbles into the kitchen and sits ]

Dad: Well… cock-a-doodle-doo, Rip Van Winkle!

Mom: Here’s your orange juice.

Dad: I see they’ve, uh, changed the school dress code, huh?

Tommy: I don’t think I feel like going to school today!

Mom: What’s the matter, Tommy, are you sick? [ she feels his forehead ] You don’t feel like you have a fever.

Tommy: No, I’m okay. I just don’t feel like going to school!

Dad: Well, that’s great! What would you think if your mother and I had the same attitude? [ to his wife ] Honey, I don’t feel like going to work! Is that okay?

Mom: Tommy, go upstairs and get dressed.

Dad: No, no! He’s got a great idea! Let’s all be like Tommy today and see what happens! Would you like that, fella?

Tommy: That’s fine with me.

Mom: Now, would you two please stop arguing?

Dad: We’re not arguing! We’re in total agreement! [ to Tommy ] Aren’t we, Mr. Rock Star? Huh? We’re just gonna stay home today and let EVERYTHING go to HELL! Huh?

Mom: [ looking behind her ] Uh-oh! Tommy’s waffles are gonna burn!

Dad: Hey! Let ’em BURN! Why should YOU care if your son has a DECENT BREAKFAST?!

Mom: Now, Don… don’t be ridiculous.

Tommy: It’s fine with me.

Dad: [ throwing his newspaper down ] If Tommoy’s taking the day off, you might as well take it off, too. [ to Tommy ] Isn’t that nice? We ALL have a day off today! Isn’t that GREAT! Well, I’d better call the President of the McDonnell-Douglas Corporation… and tell him that we can’t have that meeting we were supposed to have today!! [ he dials the phone ]

Mom: Honey, are you serious?!

Dad: I have NEVER been so SERIOUS in my LIFE!! [ into the phone ] This is Don Clifford, I want to speak to President McDonnell! [ pause ] Hello, Doug; it’s Don! Listen: I’m not coming in for our meeting… because my son, TOMMY, has announced that he ddin’t feel like going to school today, so we’re ALL gonna adopt his attitude, and I suggest you do the same! Yeah! That’s right! He’s not going! Right! Well, let’s all do it and see what happens! Okay! Bye, Doug! [ he hangs up and approaches Tommy ] Well, the PRESIDENT… of the McDonnell-Douglas Corporation has CANCELLED all his meetings and is going home! What do you think about that, BIG SHOT?!

Tommy: It’s fine with me.

[ dissolve to newspaper headline: “NO NEWSPAPER TODAY, EVERYBODY GOES HOME” ] [ dissolve to operators plugging in lines ] [ dissolve to exterior, The Pentagon ] [ dissolve to General, on the phone ]

General: Oh, really? Great! I’ll just forget about it, and go home myself! We might as well ALL shirk our responsibilities! [ he hangs up his red phone and exits ] [ dissolve to world map, as arrows descend from USSR and onto America ] [ dissolve to the suburban kitchen, as Communists soldiers infiltrate the perimeter and take the family hostage ]

Dad: Russian soldiers! Great! Russian soldiers! Well, son! Perhaps you learned a little something today?!

Tommy: [ crying ] You were right! I’m sorry!

Mom: Oh, for God’s sake! A lot of good sorry’s gonna do us now!

[ as the family is dragged outside, one lone soldier reaches down to eat Tommy’s waffles ] [ dissolve to wide shot of set, with SUPER: “coming up next: Flame-Retardant American Flags” ] [ fade ]

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