SNL Transcripts: Bea Arthur: 11/17/79: Drop Out


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 5

79e: Bea Arthur / The Roches

Drop Out

Mom…..Jane Curtin
Dad…..Bill Murray
Tommy…..Tom Davis
General…..Harry Shearer
Soldier…..Al Franken
Other Soldiers…..Peter Aykroyd, Jim Downey, Matt Neuman, Max Pross

[ open on suburban kitchen at breakfast time, as high-pitched siren sounds in the background ]

Mom: Honey, do you want some more coffee?

Dad: I’m sorry. I can’t hear you, honey.

[ the siren mutes ]

Mom: Do you want some more coffee, sweetheart?

Dad: Uh — no. I gotta get going, I’m late.

Mom: Oh.

Dad: where’s Tommy? He’s gonna be late for school and not have time for breakfast.

Mom: You know that I had to stick my head in his door TWICE just to get him up this morning!

[ Tommy stumbles into the kitchen and sits ]

Dad: Well… cock-a-doodle-doo, Rip Van Winkle!

Mom: Here’s your orange juice.

Dad: I see they’ve, uh, changed the school dress code, huh?

Tommy: I don’t think I feel like going to school today!

Mom: What’s the matter, Tommy, are you sick? [ she feels his forehead ] You don’t feel like you have a fever.

Tommy: No, I’m okay. I just don’t feel like going to school!

Dad: Well, that’s great! What would you think if your mother and I had the same attitude? [ to his wife ] Honey, I don’t feel like going to work! Is that okay?

Mom: Tommy, go upstairs and get dressed.

Dad: No, no! He’s got a great idea! Let’s all be like Tommy today and see what happens! Would you like that, fella?

Tommy: That’s fine with me.

Mom: Now, would you two please stop arguing?

Dad: We’re not arguing! We’re in total agreement! [ to Tommy ] Aren’t we, Mr. Rock Star? Huh? We’re just gonna stay home today and let EVERYTHING go to HELL! Huh?

Mom: [ looking behind her ] Uh-oh! Tommy’s waffles are gonna burn!

Dad: Hey! Let ’em BURN! Why should YOU care if your son has a DECENT BREAKFAST?!

Mom: Now, Don… don’t be ridiculous.

Tommy: It’s fine with me.

Dad: [ throwing his newspaper down ] If Tommoy’s taking the day off, you might as well take it off, too. [ to Tommy ] Isn’t that nice? We ALL have a day off today! Isn’t that GREAT! Well, I’d better call the President of the McDonnell-Douglas Corporation… and tell him that we can’t have that meeting we were supposed to have today!! [ he dials the phone ]

Mom: Honey, are you serious?!

Dad: I have NEVER been so SERIOUS in my LIFE!! [ into the phone ] This is Don Clifford, I want to speak to President McDonnell! [ pause ] Hello, Doug; it’s Don! Listen: I’m not coming in for our meeting… because my son, TOMMY, has announced that he ddin’t feel like going to school today, so we’re ALL gonna adopt his attitude, and I suggest you do the same! Yeah! That’s right! He’s not going! Right! Well, let’s all do it and see what happens! Okay! Bye, Doug! [ he hangs up and approaches Tommy ] Well, the PRESIDENT… of the McDonnell-Douglas Corporation has CANCELLED all his meetings and is going home! What do you think about that, BIG SHOT?!

Tommy: It’s fine with me.

[ dissolve to newspaper headline: “NO NEWSPAPER TODAY, EVERYBODY GOES HOME” ] [ dissolve to operators plugging in lines ] [ dissolve to exterior, The Pentagon ] [ dissolve to General, on the phone ]

General: Oh, really? Great! I’ll just forget about it, and go home myself! We might as well ALL shirk our responsibilities! [ he hangs up his red phone and exits ] [ dissolve to world map, as arrows descend from USSR and onto America ] [ dissolve to the suburban kitchen, as Communists soldiers infiltrate the perimeter and take the family hostage ]

Dad: Russian soldiers! Great! Russian soldiers! Well, son! Perhaps you learned a little something today?!

Tommy: [ crying ] You were right! I’m sorry!

Mom: Oh, for God’s sake! A lot of good sorry’s gonna do us now!

[ as the family is dragged outside, one lone soldier reaches down to eat Tommy’s waffles ] [ dissolve to wide shot of set, with SUPER: “coming up next: Flame-Retardant American Flags” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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