Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 5: Episode 5
Andy Kaufman Preview
Andy Kaufman: Hello, I am Andy Kaufman. I was on this show — [ the audience applauds wildly ] Thank you very much! Thank you, thank you! I was on this show several weeks ago, I wrestled a woman from the audience, I got a lot of NASTY mail from you people out there! You write: “Dear Saturday Night Live, I’m never gonna watch your show again if you let Andy Kaufman wrestle, it was the most tasteless thing I’ve ever seen!” [ he gives a sinister sneer ] So you’re trying to get me to stop wrestling on television, huh? Well, there’s NO WAY you’re going to do it! I will wrestle on EVERY show! I will wrestle on every VARIETY show, every TALK show — you will NOT be able to turn the dial FAST enough! You will never get rid of me — until a woman BEATS ME in a wrestling match! That’s right! But there’s no woman that CAN beat me in a wrestling match, because women do NOT have the brains! Even the ones that lift the weights, they lift weights and they make the muscles! Those women don’t have the BRAINS! The only thing women have the brains for is to COOK, CLEAN, and PLEASE THE BABIES! [ the audience boos ] Now, just a minute, SHUUUUT UUUUPP!! SHUT UP!! Now, look — if there’s any woman out there who thinks she could beat me, send her picture and the reason why, your statistics and the reason WHY you can beat me, to this show! You will be flown out on December 22nd, and we will have a match RIGHT here! If you beat me, I will give you ONE-THOUSAND DOLLARS, SHAVE MY HEAD right here on nationwide television, and I will NEVER wrestle on television again! But I don’t think there’s anyone who can do iiiiit!
Announcer: [ over title card ] If you’re a woman and want to wrestle Andy Kaufman on our Christmas show, December 22nd, send your name, address, and current photo of yourself to:
P.O. Box 860
RADIO CITY STATION
NEW YORK, N.Y. 10019
Letters must be postmarked no later than December 14th, 1979.
[ dissolve to Bea Arthur ]
Bea Arthur: Boy… I hope somebody beats him.
[ the audience cheers ]
Andy Kaufman O/S: Shut uuuuupp!!
Bea Arthur: And beats him BADLY!
Andy Kaufman O/S: Shut up! I’ll take YOU on, lady!