SNL Transcripts: Bill Russell: 11/03/78: Mr. Bill Builds a House



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 5


79e: Bea Arthur / The Roches

Mr. Bill Builds a House

(Scene opens at Pleasant Stay Trailer Park where Mr. Bill is now living)

Mr. Bill: Ho ho kiddies! Hey! Oh boy, are we going to have fun today. Because we’re all going to build a new house. Yaaay! You know, I had a little accident last week. My house burned down. But don’t worry, cause my insurance company is going to pay for everything. Yaay! So in the meantime, me and Spot and Miss Sally are all going to stay in this beautiful new trailer. Oh yaaay! (Spot barks as a car pulls up and Mr. Hands comes out) Uh oh.

Mr. Hands: Say Mr. Bill, the insurance company contracted me to build your new house. Isn’t that great?

Mr. Bill: Oh no. That’s ok. I’ll do it myself.

Mr. Hands: Oh gee, you can help me then. Say I’ll give you a lift over to the construction site. (hooks the latch of his car to Mr. Bill’s trailer and places Mr. Bill in the trailer)

Mr. Bill: Oh come on Mr. Hands. Why don’t you leave us alone. You know, if it weren’t for you, we wouldn’t need a new house anyway. Huh? So leave us alone.

Mr. Hands: Don’t worry, I’ll take care of everything. Off we go! (Takes off in the car and pulls the trailer and Spot along Mr. Hands drives very fast causing the trailer to go on a roller coaster ride with Mr. Bill and Miss Sally in it. The trailer hits a curb and crashes in front of the construction site.) Well here we are at the construction site. Say Mr. Bill, why don’t you stand in the spot where your new living room is going to be. (places Mr. Bill in the dirt where the house is going to be)

Mr. Bill: No, I don’t want to. I want to go back to the trailer park. Leave me alone!

Mr. Hands: Ok, now first we’ll need plenty of bricks. (Carries a trovel of bricks over the trailer wreckage.)

Mr. Bill: No wait, Miss Sally’s underneath there! No wait stop! (Mr. Hands dumps the bricks on Miss Sally) Oh poor Miss Sally. Oh why why!

Mr. Hands: And now we’ll pour the foundation. (pours cement where Mr. Bill is standing.)

Mr. Bill: No wait, get me out of here! No wait! Ohhhhhhhhh! I’m stuck! Get me out!

Mr. Hands: Oh all right. I’ll get you out (Uses a hammer and chisel to get Mr. Bill free.) There you go.

Mr. Bill: No! No, no wait! Ohhhhhhhh! (His hand lands next to a nail on a board.)

Mr. Hands: Say, thanks for holding my nail Mr. Bill! (Hammers Mr. Bill’s hand)

Mr. Bill: No wait! Ohhhhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: Say Mr. Bill, can you steady this board for me while I drill some holes in it? Huh? (Places a board on Mr. Bill standing up.)

Mr. Bill: No, you just want to be mean to me! Stop!

Mr. Hands: Okay now hold it firmly. (Starts drilling into Mr. Bill back and Mr. Bill starts spinning out of control.)

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhhhhhhh!

(Later Mr. Hands finishes the frame of the house.)

Mr. Hands: Ahhh, there. How do you like it Mr. Bill? Huh?

Mr. Bill: (standing inside the house) I don’t like it!

Mr. Hands: But it’s your new home. (Insurance Agent Sluggo appears) Oh gee, the insurance agent stopped by. Hey!

Mr. Bill: Oh no! Get me out of here!…Oh no! He’s going to be mean to me!

Mr. Hands: Uh oh! He says the insurance company isn’t going to pay a cent.

Mr. Bill: But I have a policy.

Mr. Hands: (shows Mr. Bill the contract with a magnifiying glass.) Gee Mr. Bill. I guess you didn’t read the fine print. (Shows Mr. Bill that the Expiration Date was “Yesterday”)

Mr. Bill: Oh no!

Mr. Hands: He says it’ll have to be destroyed (A wrecking ball swings, destroys the house and sends Mr. Bill into a brick wall.)

Mr. Bill: No wait! Ohhhhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: See you next time! Bye bye!

Submitted by: Nick Johnson

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