Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray


Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

…..Jane Curtin
…..Bill Murray
Dr. Al Franken…..Al Franken

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Here are co-anchors Jane Curtain and Bill Murray.

Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin. Here now, the news.

85-year-old George Meaney announced from his wheelchair at the AFL-CIOConvention, Thursday, that he was retiring as President of the Organization. Unfortunately, no one from the Teamster’s Union was there to move him, and he was forced to sit there by himself in the auditorium waiting for someone from the morning shift.

And a verdict is finally in on longshoreman Union boss Anthony Scotto, who was convicted this week on thirty-three counts of racketeering on Brooklyn’s waterfront. Authorities, searching Scotto’s apartment, found 250 pounds of water and fish, which eyewitnesses claim Scotto had embezzled from the docks.

Jane Curtin: And now, a special science report from our “Weekend Update” Science Editor, Dr. Al Franken.

Dr. Al Franken: Well, thank you, Jane. The cockroach is actually any of numerous insects characterized by rapid movements and nocturnals habits. Now, the cockroach is a difficult insect to kill. In fact, the species pre-dates man, and may well survive us. [ removes a flask from his front pocket ] Now, I have here several live cockroaches. [ pulls one out of the flask ] Let’s just rip the antenna off and peel his legs and see what happens, and.. oh. I just tore his body off there, so, uh.. [ gets another cockroach ] Let’s see what happens when we.. stick a pin through him. [ stabs the cockroach ] As you can see, he’s wriggling around – a very, very difficult insect to kill, it’s fascinating. Now, heat.. is a very effective way of killing living matter, so let’s try boiling one of these fellas.. [ drops cockroach in a beaker and places it over fire ]. We’llcheck up on him later. [ takes out some more cockroaches ] Now, here we have a few more fellas.. let’s see what happens when we try a littledishwashing liquid. [ squeezes dishwashing liquid onto the cockroaches ] This should suffocate them..

Jane Curtin: [ interceding ] Dr., what are you trying to prove?

Dr. Al Franken: [ confused ] I’m sorry? I don’t know what you’re getting at.

Jane Curtin: What are these experiments supposed to demonstrate? Experiments usually try to prove something, or actually try to demonstrate some theory or fact..

Dr. Al Franken: Well, that’s not actually true. Most experiments are used to discover something.

Jane Curtin: Well, then, what are you trying to discover?

Dr. Al Franken: Well, I don’t know.. If scientists always had to know what they were trying to discover, we never would have invented penicillin, or photography, or a lot of other really important inventions. It’s a tedious process, but, unfortunately, it’s absolutely necessary.

Jane Curtin: Well, thank you very much, Dr. Franken.

Dr. Al Franken: Thank you, Jane.

Jane Curtin: Well, that’s the news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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