Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 5: Episode 5
Woman to Woman
Connie Carson…..Gilda Radner
Rosemary O’Connell…..Bea Arthur
[ open on set with superimposed title card, with Helen Reddy’s “I am Woman” playing over it ]
Connie Carson: Hello, and welcome to “Woman to Woman”. I’m Connie Carson, a young career woman who’s made a career out of talking to women about women and their careers. Today, I’m talking to a woman who says she prefers to be described by one wrd: [ disgustedly ] “Mother.” I’d like you to meet Mrs. Rosemary O’Connell. Rosemary… just how many children do you and your husband have?
Rosemary O’Connell: Five. Five WONDERFUL children!
Connie Carson: Oh. [ she chuckles condescendingly ] Now, Rosemary, tell me, honestly: Are they really ALL wonderful?
Rosemary O’Connell: Oh, yes! ABSOLUTELY wonderful!
Connie Carson: Oh, but they must have all grown up by now and flown the nest.
Rosemary O’Connell: Oh, yes — they are all leading independent lives of their own now! My son Jimmy — he is the oldest — he’s a lawyer; uh, my daughter Louise is a doctor; uh, my son Max is a lawyer and a doctor; and my daughter Elizabeth is a doctor and a lawyer; and my youngest son, Free — [ she laughs ] he’s the hippie in the family! — he’s a paralegal… and a paramedic!
Connie Carson: [ frowning ] Oh. And do they stay in touch, or, uh, have they forgotten all about their old mom?
Rosemary O’Connell: Connie, do you know that each one of them calls me every single day? Sometimes TWICE a day? [ she laughs ] Oh, it’s almost a NUISANCE!
Connie Carson: I see. Of course, I never had any children. Oh, how could I? I’m not married. Uh — but when I imagine giving birth to FIVE bald, red-faced, ugly, drooling, mucus —
Rosemary O’Connell: Honey, ALL of my children were born with FULL heads of hair.
Connie Carson: But, Rosemary, isn’t going through labor hell?
Rosemary O’Connell: Oh, not for me. It was a SNAP! I guess I was lucky!
Connie Carson: [ desperately ] Stretch marks!
Rosemary O’Connell: What?
Connie Carson: [ gritting her teeth ] You heard me.
Rosemary O’Connell: Oh, that! Oh, Connie! Now, what are a few stretch marks compared to the joy of bringing a new human being into the world?
Connie Carson: [ dismayed ] Yes. Well, I wouldn’t know. Uh — just tell me if I’m right on this one: I would imagine that, with five children, a career, like the wonderful career I have, would be absolutely out of the question.
Rosemary O’Connell: Oh, not really. Not at all! You see — I’m a best-selling novelist. I write gothic romances — under another name, of course!
Connie Carson: [ she chuckles in annoyance ] That so? I suppose you work at home?
Rosemary O’Connell: Yes. I write all my books in long-hand, at home, in bed. The children used to take turns typing and proofreading the manuscripts. They know that their mommy is… [ with a French accent ] Corrine DeRoche — author of all 28 Desiree novels.
Connie Carson: [ nearly gasping for breath ] So, Rosemary, you’re a mother, God knows, and a HACK writer. But, what about your husband? Doesn’t he feel left out?
Rosemary O’Connell: Oh, not at all. No, my husband has said repeatedly that, for him, there is no more beautiful sight in the world than… a woman cradling a child to her breast.
Connie Carson: [ miffed ] What does he do?!
Rosemary O’Connell: Oh, he’s an art historian. Uh — medieval portraiture — madonnas, mostly.
Connie Carson: [ shuffling her note cards ] Let’s see… um… Have, um, have any of your children ever gotten into trouble, huh, caused you any great pain?
Rosemary O’Connell: Oh… Connie, Connie, Connie! Never!
Connie Carson: [ disappointed ] Oh, Rosemary, Rosemary, Rosemary… What about drug abuse? I mean, uh, pills, angel dust, anything like that?
Rosemary O’Connell: No. Connie, may I tell you a very personal, and, I think, a very touching story?
Connie Carson: [ snidely ] What’s stopping you?
Rosemary O’Connell: Well, Connie, when my kids were starting Junioh High… I got one of every drug that was available on the street. And I laid them all out in front of them, and then I told them the pharmaceutical name, the slang name, the side effects, and the street value of each one. And I said, “Kids… if ever you feel tempted… to take any of these drugs, come to me, your mother, and I’ll take them with you.”
Connie Carson: [ stunned ] And, uh… did they?
Rosemary O’Connell: [ chuckling ] Oh, yes! Free and I dropped acid together in the late sixties! I know it was one of the msot beautiful experiences of my life, and I like to believe that it was for Free, also.
Connie Carson: [ trying to laugh ] Okayyyyy, viewers. Here’s today’s mother for you: Rosemary O’Connell. She forces her innocent children to take DRUGS with her! [ she smiles, satisfied ] Well, that’s all the time we have for “Woman to Woman”. I’m Connie Carson, a young, unmarried career woman with no children, who makes a career out of talking to women about women and their careers. Be sure to, uh, join us next week when we’ll be talking to Joan Kennedy about the tremendous progress she’s made in learning to control her facial muscles in public. Good night!
[ pull out to superimposed title and theme track, then fade ]