SNL Transcripts: Howard Hesseman: 12/08/79: Boyfriends/title>


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 6

79f: Howard Hesseman / Randy Newman


Susan…..Gilda Radner
Jerome…..Howard Hesseman
Scott…..Bill Murray

[ open on interior, apartment, Susan filing her nails on the couch while Jerome waters the plants behind her ]

Susan: Honey, uh — are you sure you’re not jealous about, uh, Scott coming over? Because, uh, if you are, just say so.

Jerome: Why should I be jealous?

Susan: Well, uh, you don’t know Scott.

Jerome: Well, I’d like to meet anybody who was THAT much a part of your life.

Susan: Oh, Jerome, you’re so open!

[ the doorbell rings ]

Susan: I’ll get it.

[ Susan unlocks the door, and swings it open to reveal Scott ]

Scott: Susie! I forgot. I forgot how beautiful you are when you open the door. Do it again! For me?

[ he closes the door and rerings the doorbell ] [ Susan opens the door to reveal Scott once again ]

Scott: I forgot. [ he closes the door ]

Susan: Okay, Scott… Scott… Scott! There’s someone I’d like you to meet. [ they cross the room ] Uh — Scott? This is Jerome, my new old man. Jerome? This is Scott, my old old man. And, uh, Scott, I want you to know that, uh, Jerome doesn’t mind you being here.

Jerome: I’m… okay behind it.

Susan: Jerome’s into trying to feel… his feelings.

Scott: [ smiling ] I feel like sitting down.

[ Susan and Jerome laugh ]

Susan: Let’s.

[ they all sit ]

Scott: What do you do, Jerome?

Jerome: I… work on myself. Not a lot of money in it — yet!

Scott: [ he laughs ] Well, keep plucking. [ to Susan ] What have you been doing, Susan?

Susan: Uh — I’ve been working on Jerome, too.

Jerome: It’s a… process. So, Scott… what, uh, brings you to Santa Barbara?

Scott: I’m with the national touring company of “The Fantasticks”. We’re playing at the Cine Auditorium tonight.

Susan: Uh — he plays El Gallo. You still play El Gallo, don’t you?

Scott: Nine years! [ he chuckles ] I eat, breathe, and sleep El Gallo. Except for my commercial work.

Jerome: Oh, you do commercials?

Scott: Are you familiar with the Budweiser Taste Buds? [ Jerome nods ] I’m the third Bud from the left.

Jerome: Well, that’s great. So, Scott, uh — Susan tells me that, uh, you were a better lover than I am.

Scott: Oh, I don’t know what you’re like, Jerome.

Susan: Well, uh, Jerome’s becoming less sexual and more sensual.

Jerome: Yeah! It’s a… slow process.

Susan: Yes. It is. [ she turns to Scott ] Well, Scott — are you growing?

[ Jerome reaches for Susan’s unresponsive arm ]

Scott: Well, people still say my El Gallo still is. And Scott is changing, too. For instance, uh — I don’t hate women any more.

Susan: Well, that’s wonderful, Scott. Is there — is there someone special you don’t hate?

Scott: Well, yes, I — I’ve finally found someone.

Susan: Really? What’s she like?

[ Susan shoves Jerome’s hand off her arm ]

Scott: Well… she’s young. She’s very young. She’s a kid, really. And… I… teach, and yet, I learn from her, too.

Susan: Is it serious?

Scott: I don’t know. It’s a whole different thing, you know? I think it’s good for me, but, uh, I don’t really know what it is yet.

Susan: Yeah. [ she smiles ] I was just thinking: Remember that day we met in the supermarket?

Scott: [ he laughs ] Yeah! The wheels of our carts got stuck together, and you said, “Whoa-oa, Ben Hur!”

Susan: [ she laughs ] I remember the only thing that you had in your cart were frozen carrots and fresh carrots. And I said —

Scott: You said, “Boy, you must really like carrots!” And I said, “Mwah!” [ he chews rapidly ] “What’s up, Doc!” [ Susan laughs ] And you know something? I still have that frozen bag of carrots.

Susan: You don’t.

Scott: [ he shakes his head ] No. But I wish I did.

Jerome: I’m starting to feel bad now. [ he examines himself from within ] Yeah. I definitely feel bad. Uh — how does that make you feel, Scott?

Scott: Not great. But I feel a bit weird — hitting on your old lady right in front of you.

Jerome: Me, too, man. Uh — how do you feel, Susie?

Susan: Honestly?

Jerome: Be open, darling.

Susan: Well, Jerome, uh — I know we’re covering new ground here, and growth sometimes hurts, but, uh, to be honest, I find myself feeling attracted to Scott right now.

Jerome: Well, look — if that’s the way you both feel, I’ll just leave, okay? [ he stands and crosses the room ] Otherwise, the anger underneath all these candy-ass feelings that are all I’m allowed to feel, uh, might just come bubbling through, and then it’s gonna get angry and ugly and bad!

Scott: [ standing ] Hey, hey — relax, man. I’ll back off. It’s no big deal, man.

Jerome: [ he breathes a sigh of relief ] Sorry, man…

Scott: You know how it is. I mean, I’m from out of town, I’m lonely. I think, who the hell do I know in Santa Barbara.

Jerome: Yeah. I can dig that.

Scott: I mean, what am I worried about? I’m El Gallo, and we’re sold out tonight —

Susan: [ angry ] I cannot believe that I almost fell for this again! I mean, I haven’t heard from you or seen you since I left you last September! And here you come in here and start… just… the SAME old tricks!

Scott: For the History books, Susan — you didn’t leave me. We agreed that you should leave.

Susan: Ooh, you’re really something!

Jerome: Uh, look, Scott, uh — I think that Susie needs her space right now. So, why don’t we take our feelings down to Le Brew & You and get really twisted, huh?

Scott: Yeah, a good idea! But, uh, before we go, Susie — I just want to say that, what we had was real. and now you have something else, and that’s real, too. I think you and Jerome are doing wonderful things with Jerome. But, I want you to know that, when you left that September, you took a part of me with you. I’ll never forget you, honey. [ a beat ] “Deep in September… it’s nice to remember / Without a hurt… the heart is hollow.”

[ Jerome checks his watch ]

Scott: [ singing ]“Deep in December, it’s nice to remember,
The fire of September that made us mellow.
Deep in December, our hearts should remember
And follow.
Follow, follow, follow.”

[ Jerome opens the door and leads the way ]

Jerome: [ singing ] “Follow. Follow.”

[ Scott turns ]

Jerome: [ singing ] “Follow.”

[ Scott follows Jerome into the hall and closes the door behind them, leaving Susan alone with her thoughts and feelings ]

Susan: Barbara? [ a beat ] “Follow. Follow, follow, follow.”

[ she opens the door and steps into the hall ]

Susan: “Follow…”

[ pull back to reveal wide shot of set, with SUPER: “coming up next: Eye Shadow Boxing” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 0 / 5. Vote count: 0

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x