SNL Transcripts: Howard Hesseman: 12/08/79: Boyfriends/title>

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 6

79f: Howard Hesseman / Randy Newman


Susan…..Gilda Radner
Jerome…..Howard Hesseman
Scott…..Bill Murray

[ open on interior, apartment, Susan filing her nails on the couch while Jerome waters the plants behind her ]

Susan: Honey, uh — are you sure you’re not jealous about, uh, Scott coming over? Because, uh, if you are, just say so.

Jerome: Why should I be jealous?

Susan: Well, uh, you don’t know Scott.

Jerome: Well, I’d like to meet anybody who was THAT much a part of your life.

Susan: Oh, Jerome, you’re so open!

[ the doorbell rings ]

Susan: I’ll get it.

[ Susan unlocks the door, and swings it open to reveal Scott ]

Scott: Susie! I forgot. I forgot how beautiful you are when you open the door. Do it again! For me?

[ he closes the door and rerings the doorbell ] [ Susan opens the door to reveal Scott once again ]

Scott: I forgot. [ he closes the door ]

Susan: Okay, Scott… Scott… Scott! There’s someone I’d like you to meet. [ they cross the room ] Uh — Scott? This is Jerome, my new old man. Jerome? This is Scott, my old old man. And, uh, Scott, I want you to know that, uh, Jerome doesn’t mind you being here.

Jerome: I’m… okay behind it.

Susan: Jerome’s into trying to feel… his feelings.

Scott: [ smiling ] I feel like sitting down.

[ Susan and Jerome laugh ]

Susan: Let’s.

[ they all sit ]

Scott: What do you do, Jerome?

Jerome: I… work on myself. Not a lot of money in it — yet!

Scott: [ he laughs ] Well, keep plucking. [ to Susan ] What have you been doing, Susan?

Susan: Uh — I’ve been working on Jerome, too.

Jerome: It’s a… process. So, Scott… what, uh, brings you to Santa Barbara?

Scott: I’m with the national touring company of “The Fantasticks”. We’re playing at the Cine Auditorium tonight.

Susan: Uh — he plays El Gallo. You still play El Gallo, don’t you?

Scott: Nine years! [ he chuckles ] I eat, breathe, and sleep El Gallo. Except for my commercial work.

Jerome: Oh, you do commercials?

Scott: Are you familiar with the Budweiser Taste Buds? [ Jerome nods ] I’m the third Bud from the left.

Jerome: Well, that’s great. So, Scott, uh — Susan tells me that, uh, you were a better lover than I am.

Scott: Oh, I don’t know what you’re like, Jerome.

Susan: Well, uh, Jerome’s becoming less sexual and more sensual.

Jerome: Yeah! It’s a… slow process.

Susan: Yes. It is. [ she turns to Scott ] Well, Scott — are you growing?

[ Jerome reaches for Susan’s unresponsive arm ]

Scott: Well, people still say my El Gallo still is. And Scott is changing, too. For instance, uh — I don’t hate women any more.

Susan: Well, that’s wonderful, Scott. Is there — is there someone special you don’t hate?

Scott: Well, yes, I — I’ve finally found someone.

Susan: Really? What’s she like?

[ Susan shoves Jerome’s hand off her arm ]

Scott: Well… she’s young. She’s very young. She’s a kid, really. And… I… teach, and yet, I learn from her, too.

Susan: Is it serious?

Scott: I don’t know. It’s a whole different thing, you know? I think it’s good for me, but, uh, I don’t really know what it is yet.

Susan: Yeah. [ she smiles ] I was just thinking: Remember that day we met in the supermarket?

Scott: [ he laughs ] Yeah! The wheels of our carts got stuck together, and you said, “Whoa-oa, Ben Hur!”

Susan: [ she laughs ] I remember the only thing that you had in your cart were frozen carrots and fresh carrots. And I said —

Scott: You said, “Boy, you must really like carrots!” And I said, “Mwah!” [ he chews rapidly ] “What’s up, Doc!” [ Susan laughs ] And you know something? I still have that frozen bag of carrots.

Susan: You don’t.

Scott: [ he shakes his head ] No. But I wish I did.

Jerome: I’m starting to feel bad now. [ he examines himself from within ] Yeah. I definitely feel bad. Uh — how does that make you feel, Scott?

Scott: Not great. But I feel a bit weird — hitting on your old lady right in front of you.

Jerome: Me, too, man. Uh — how do you feel, Susie?

Susan: Honestly?

Jerome: Be open, darling.

Susan: Well, Jerome, uh — I know we’re covering new ground here, and growth sometimes hurts, but, uh, to be honest, I find myself feeling attracted to Scott right now.

Jerome: Well, look — if that’s the way you both feel, I’ll just leave, okay? [ he stands and crosses the room ] Otherwise, the anger underneath all these candy-ass feelings that are all I’m allowed to feel, uh, might just come bubbling through, and then it’s gonna get angry and ugly and bad!

Scott: [ standing ] Hey, hey — relax, man. I’ll back off. It’s no big deal, man.

Jerome: [ he breathes a sigh of relief ] Sorry, man…

Scott: You know how it is. I mean, I’m from out of town, I’m lonely. I think, who the hell do I know in Santa Barbara.

Jerome: Yeah. I can dig that.

Scott: I mean, what am I worried about? I’m El Gallo, and we’re sold out tonight —

Susan: [ angry ] I cannot believe that I almost fell for this again! I mean, I haven’t heard from you or seen you since I left you last September! And here you come in here and start… just… the SAME old tricks!

Scott: For the History books, Susan — you didn’t leave me. We agreed that you should leave.

Susan: Ooh, you’re really something!

Jerome: Uh, look, Scott, uh — I think that Susie needs her space right now. So, why don’t we take our feelings down to Le Brew & You and get really twisted, huh?

Scott: Yeah, a good idea! But, uh, before we go, Susie — I just want to say that, what we had was real. and now you have something else, and that’s real, too. I think you and Jerome are doing wonderful things with Jerome. But, I want you to know that, when you left that September, you took a part of me with you. I’ll never forget you, honey. [ a beat ] “Deep in September… it’s nice to remember / Without a hurt… the heart is hollow.”

[ Jerome checks his watch ]

Scott: [ singing ]“Deep in December, it’s nice to remember,
The fire of September that made us mellow.
Deep in December, our hearts should remember
And follow.
Follow, follow, follow.”

[ Jerome opens the door and leads the way ]

Jerome: [ singing ] “Follow. Follow.”

[ Scott turns ]

Jerome: [ singing ] “Follow.”

[ Scott follows Jerome into the hall and closes the door behind them, leaving Susan alone with her thoughts and feelings ]

Susan: Barbara? [ a beat ] “Follow. Follow, follow, follow.”

[ she opens the door and steps into the hall ]

Susan: “Follow…”

[ pull back to reveal wide shot of set, with SUPER: “coming up next: Eye Shadow Boxing” ] [ fade ]

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