SNL Transcripts: Howard Hesseman: 12/08/79: The Nuclear Family

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 6

79f: Howard Hesseman / Randy Newman

The Nuclear Family

Dad…..Howard Hesseman
Mom…..Jane Curtin
Son…..Peter Aykroyd
Daughter…..Laraine Newman

[ open on footage of the nuclear reactors at Three Mile Island, over bouncy music ]

Announcer: And now, it’s time for… “The Nuclear Family”.

[ title card appears over a lone house situated between two large nuclear reactors ] [ dissolve to interior, living room ] [ Mom enters room yawning, still in her overnight robe. She lightly dusts a lampshade before sitting down on the couch ] [ Dad enters ]

Dad: [ groggy-voiced ] Hey, I’m home.

Mom: Oh hi, honey! How was work?

Dad: Oh, okay. I’m just bushed. I sure am glad the plant’s nearby — if it was any further, I-I think I’d just have to… [ he collapses into a chair along the wall ] get another job.

Mom: Well, why don’t you make yourself a drink?

Dad: [ he stands ] No, no, no. I’m really too tired. [ he moves over to sit next to his wife on the couch ] How was your day?

Mom: Fine. Fine. I just got up a little while ago.

Dad: Oh, yeah. [ he begins to fiddle with a tooth ] I think this one’s gonna be gone by morning. [ he pulls the tooth out ] No.

Mom: Oh. Another one. Oh golly, honey. [ she nearly loses her train of thought ] Oh, uh, by the way — we’ve been invited over to dinner with the Stelsons.

Dad: Again? [ she nods ] I don’t feel like going, honey. I have a cold.

Mom: Oh now, honey, you can’t use that excuse again.

Dad: But I AM sick! I’ve had this cold for months. I just can’t shake it.

Mom: Well, have you seen the company doctor?

Dad: Yeah. I must have been X-rayed a hundred times.

[ their Son enters the door, his arm in a sling ]

Billy: Hi.

Mom: Hi, Son! What happened to you?

Dad: You hurt yourself in practice?

Billy: Not exactly. I was in the locker room at school, and I pulled my t-shirt over my head and heard this snap. I think I broke my arm.

Mom: Ohhhhh, well, well, Mr. Briitle Bones!

Dad: Ah, sometimes I think you’ll do anything to get out of helping us around the house so he can spend more time with that girlfriend of his!

Billy: Come on, Dad.

[ he sits next to his dad on the couch ] [ Dad laughs playfully and pats the boy’s head, accidentally pulling a clump of hair loose from the back ]

Mom: Listen, how is Janie, anyway? I haven’t seen her around here. Did you two have a fight? She used to be around here all the time.

Billy: Aw, she hasn’t been feeling too well lately.

Mom: Ohhh. I hope it’s not too serious. [ she scratches her hair and pulls out a clump attached to a roller ] She’s such a cute girl.

Dad: The boy spends TOO much time with her, if you ask me. Now, maybe he’ll pay more attention to his school work. By the way, Billy — I think I can pull a few strings and get you a job at the plant this summer.

Billy: I don’t know, Dad. Could we talk about that later? I’m really tired now. [ he dozes off ]

Dad: [ surrendering ] Okay.

[ their daughter enters the front door ]

Daughter: Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

Mom: [ chuckling ] What took you so long?

Daughter: Oh, I rested on the way.

Mom: Don’t you have a big date tonight, honey?

Daughter: Oh, not any more. I told Ryan I couldn’t make it. [ she starts to pull clumps of hair from her head ]

Mom: Why not?

Daughter: I’m not going anywhere until my skin clears up! I don’t think it ever will.

Mom: Honey, ALL young girls your age go through this. If you’d just stop picking at that sore, it would go away!

Daughter: But I HAVEN’T been picking it, I SWEAR! It just won’t go away! I’m gonna start wearing a veil to school.

Mom: Why don’t you have a glass of lemonade? It’s got LOTS of sugar in it, it’ll pick you right up!

Daughter: No. I don’t think so. I feel a little queasy. I think I’m just gonna go to my room.

[ she exits the living room ]

Mom: Billy? Some lemonade?

Billy: [ thinking ] Yeah. I guess I could hold that down.

Mom: Then, why don’t you go fix it?

Billy: Okay.

[ Billy exits to the kitchen ]

Dad: Honey, uh, why don’t you just call the Stelsons, and just tell them that we’re not coming, okay?

Mom: Ohhh, no, honey. You’re not getting out of it this time.

Dad: Then, just let me get a little shuteye first, hmm? Could you turn out the light?

Mom: Okay, dear.

[ she crosses the room, turns out the light, then exits ] [ reveal Dad laying asleep on the couch in the dark, as green light radiates from his chest ]

Announcer: Join us tomorrow for more fun with “The Nuclear Family”.

[ fade ]

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