SNL Transcripts: Howard Hesseman: 12/08/79: Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 6

79f: Howard Hesseman / Randy Newman

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

…..Jane Curtin
…..Bill Murray
Chico Escuela…..Garrett Morris
…..Al Franken

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Here are anchorpersons Bill Murray and Jane Curtain.

Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin. Here now, the news.

Our top story tonight: Senator Edward Kennedy’s wife, Joan, who has lived alone for the past two years, said this week that if her husband were elected President she would live in the White House. Kennedy, informed of her decision, immediately withdrew from the race.

With greater shortages than expected, due to the cutoff of Iranian oil imports, a revival of the odd-even gas rationing plan is anticipated in many states. However, because of negative reaction voiced by a majority of citizens, the odd-even plan has been modified, and will only be in effect on every other day.

Jane Curtin: And, an embarrassing note: 19-year-old Anita Dark of St. Petersburg, Florida, filed a paternity suit this week, and has claimed that the father is Weekend Update Sportscaster Chico Escuela. Ms. Dark alleged that she became intimate with Mr. Escuela last Spring, when Chico was in Florida attempting a comeback with the New York Mets. On advice from his lawyer, Chico can’t comment on Anita Dark, but he is here this week to tell us about sports. Welcome home, Chico!

Chico Escuela: Thank you, Hane. Basebal bin berra berra good to me. Anita Dark bin berra berra good to me.. but Chico can’t talk about it. In sports, Charles White won the.. how do you say.. Heisman Trophy. Now, look at this run. Charles White is the best football player. He runs with authority. Chico run from authority.. but I can’t talk about it.

Uh.. Darrell Dawkins does it agian. Look at this. [ show video of slam dunk that shatters the glass backboard ] He break the glass! He break it! Why do they use glass? The backboard should be stronger! Should use cement.. or steel.. or iron. Not rubber! Rubber break! But I can’t talk about it. Back to you, Hane.

Jane Curtin: Nice work, Chico.

Due to a recent crisis, there’s been a dramatic change in the latest “Weekend Update” Glickman Poll of Presidential hopefuls. As you can see, it’s still very close between Carter and Kennedy, and their tough battle may be the reason Glickman is so far ahead this early in the campaign. Needless to say, the Glickman camp is cautiously optimistic. Good luck, Glickman.

Hollywood superstar Steve McQueen said this week that he would not consider any movie deal in the future, or even read a script, unless he was guaranteed a minimum of $5 million and 15% of the domestic gross. McQueen has agreed, however, to read a newspaper for only $2 million, and also local traffic signs for a fee that can be negotiated through his agent.

The British rock group The Who, Cincinnati’s Riverfront Stadium, and a concert promoter were named as co-defendents in a $27 million class-action suit, because of a mishap that occurred earlier this week. The legal proceedings were marred, however, when they broke for lunch, and four city councilmen were trampled to death.

Jane Curtin: Well, the 1970’s are in their final month, and with some thoughts on this decade and the one we’re about to enter, here’s Weekend Update’s Social Sciences Editor Al Franken.

Al Franken: Thank you, Jane. Well, the “me” decade is almost over, and good riddance, and far as I’m concerned. The 70’s were simply 10 years of people thinking of nothing but themselves. No wonder we were unable to get together and solve any of the many serious problems facing our nation. Oh sure, some people did do some positive things in the 70’s – like jogging – but always for the wrong reasons, for their own selfish, personal benefit. Well, I believe the 80’s are gonna have to be different. I think that people are going to stop thinking about themselves, and start thinking about me, Al Franken. That’s right. I believe we’re entering what I like to call the Al Franken Decade. Oh, for me, Al Franken, the 80’s will be pretty much the same as the 70’s. I’ll still be thinking of me, Al Franken. But for you, you’ll be thinking more about how things affect me, Al Franken. When you see a news report, you’ll be thinking, “I wonder what Al Franken thinks about this thing?”, “I wonder how this inflation thing is hurting Al Franken?” And you women will be thinking, “What can I wear that will please Al Franken?”, or “What can I not wear?” You know, I know a lot of you out there are thinking, “Why Al Franken?” Well, because I thought of it, and I’m on TV, so I’ve already gotten the jump on you. So, I say let’s leave behind the fragmented, selfish 70’s, and go into the 80’s with a unity and purpose. That’s what I think. I’m Al Franken. Jane?

Jane Curtin: Thank you, Al. That’s the news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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