Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 5: Episode 7
Martin Sheen’s Monologue
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Martin Sheen!
Martin Sheen: Thank you. Hey, thanks a lot! You know, it’s a real pleasure for me to be here tonight to host the show, but I have to admit I feel a little out of place. I mean, I’m sure you’ve heard it said that every dramatic actor would, uh, would love to find a point in his career when he could do a musical comedy, uh, sing and dance. I have to confess the fact I never learned to sing or dance, and I’m afraid I don’t tell jokes very well. For example. [ the audience laughs ] I told you! Uh — the 800-pound gorilla… who thinks he can sit anywhere! [ he laughs alone ] I told you! Okay — see that?
Uh — despite that, I do believe that an actor should agree to take risks with his career, so I agreed to do the show. And, uh — we’re going to be doing some very funny business — at least, they think it’s funny — and, uh, all I asked in return was one little favor, and these people who run the show have granted me that favor. nd that is, very simply, to right here at the top of the show, to talk about something that’s very, very close to my heart. So please give me your attention.[ he steps across the stage to sit next to a box of toys ]
Martin Sheen: You know… the holiday season is a time of great joy and happiness — or, at least, it should be. But there are, however, those among us who are not as fortunate. Christmas is just another day… for America’s professional prostitutes. They never get any toys. That’s why I’m very proud to co-sponsor, along with the United States Coast Guard Reserve, the 1979 Toys for Tarts campaign. [ the audience cheers ] Each year on December, we collect usable toys and then distribute them to 40,000 professional prostitutes and call girls in the United States and Puerto Rico. It’s a wonderful thing to see that beautiful glow in a young woman’s face when she receives her Christmas toy. Believe me, I know. I’ve seen it. But time is running short, and we need your help as soon as possible. Please send your usable toys… for Toys for Tarts. Look for this attractive display in major shopping centers everywhere. And, remember — fill… ’til it hurts. Thank you.
We’ll be right back!