SNL Transcripts: Martin Sheen: 12/15/79: Sex Change


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 7

79g: Martin Sheen / David Bowie

Sex Change

Patient…..Bill Murray
Dr. Inger Yensin…..Jane Curtin
Nurse #1…..Laraine Newman
Nurse #2…..Gilda Radner

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] “The following docu-drama presents explicit scenes of an actual sex-change operation and may not be suitable for children or pre-teenagers.”

[ dissolve to black-and-white images of the patient in his boyhood youth ]

Patient V/O: Ever since I was a small child, I can remember feeling more like a little girl than a little boy. At school, I used to spend more time with the girls. I hated sports. When I grew up and found I could change my sex medically, I knew I had to make a big decision. With my life savings, I flew to Copenhagen to a Danish sexual institute and clinic. There, I saw Dr. Inger Yensin, who would arrange my sex-change operation.

[ dissolve to Dr. Inger Yensin’s office ]

Patient V/O: The doctor, who, incidentally, was a woman, explained to me that there were two possible operations: One took four weeks and involved lengthy tissue exchange procedures. It costs almost 200,000 Danish kroners, or $37,000. The other was an abbreviated procedure that could be done that afternoon for only 2,000 kroners, or about $346. Having spent all my money on airfare, I chose the less expensive procedure, happy that I would soon be the woman I had dreamt of.

[ Dr. Tensin leads the patient to an operation table in her office ]

Dr. Inger Yensin: Now, just get on the table! [ he climbs on the table ] Lie down, please. [ he lies down ] That’s good. [ to her nurses ] Administer the guest.

Nurse #1: Guest!

Nurse #2: [ places anesthesia over patient’s face ] Guest administered. [ she places the curtain over the patient ]

Dr. Inger Yensin: Scalpel.

Nurse #1: [ handing it over ] Scalpel!

[ Dr. Yensin applies the scalpel, then hands it to her second nurse ]

Nurse #2: Scalpel.

Dr. Inger Yensin: Sponge.

Nurse #1: [ handing it over ] Sponge.

[ Dr. Yensin applies the sponge, then hands it to her second nurse ]

Nurse #2: Sponge.

Dr. Inger Yensin: Mascara.

Nurse #1: [ handing it over ] Mascara.

[ Dr. Yensin applies the mascara, then hands it to her second nurse ]

Dr. Inger Yensin: Lipstick.

Nurse #1: [ handing it over ] Lipstick.

[ Dr. Yensin applies the lipstick, then hands it to her second nurse ]

Nurse #2: Lipstick.

Dr. Inger Yensin: Dress and high high heels.

Nurse #1: [ handing them over ] Dress and high heels.

[ Dr. Yensin applies the dress and high heels ]

Nurse #2: Dress and high heels.

Dr. Inger Yensin: Stop anesthesia! The operation is a success.

[ they lower the curtain, revealing the patient dressed as a woman while still retaining a man’s body ]

[ the patient rises and smiles ]

Patient: [ in a throaty whisper ] Live from New York… it’s Saturday Night.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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