SNL Transcripts: Martin Sheen: 12/15/79: Sex Change

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 7

79g: Martin Sheen / David Bowie

Sex Change

Patient…..Bill Murray
Dr. Inger Yensin…..Jane Curtin
Nurse #1…..Laraine Newman
Nurse #2…..Gilda Radner

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] “The following docu-drama presents explicit scenes of an actual sex-change operation and may not be suitable for children or pre-teenagers.”

[ dissolve to black-and-white images of the patient in his boyhood youth ]

Patient V/O: Ever since I was a small child, I can remember feeling more like a little girl than a little boy. At school, I used to spend more time with the girls. I hated sports. When I grew up and found I could change my sex medically, I knew I had to make a big decision. With my life savings, I flew to Copenhagen to a Danish sexual institute and clinic. There, I saw Dr. Inger Yensin, who would arrange my sex-change operation.

[ dissolve to Dr. Inger Yensin’s office ]

Patient V/O: The doctor, who, incidentally, was a woman, explained to me that there were two possible operations: One took four weeks and involved lengthy tissue exchange procedures. It costs almost 200,000 Danish kroners, or $37,000. The other was an abbreviated procedure that could be done that afternoon for only 2,000 kroners, or about $346. Having spent all my money on airfare, I chose the less expensive procedure, happy that I would soon be the woman I had dreamt of.

[ Dr. Tensin leads the patient to an operation table in her office ]

Dr. Inger Yensin: Now, just get on the table! [ he climbs on the table ] Lie down, please. [ he lies down ] That’s good. [ to her nurses ] Administer the guest.

Nurse #1: Guest!

Nurse #2: [ places anesthesia over patient’s face ] Guest administered. [ she places the curtain over the patient ]

Dr. Inger Yensin: Scalpel.

Nurse #1: [ handing it over ] Scalpel!

[ Dr. Yensin applies the scalpel, then hands it to her second nurse ]

Nurse #2: Scalpel.

Dr. Inger Yensin: Sponge.

Nurse #1: [ handing it over ] Sponge.

[ Dr. Yensin applies the sponge, then hands it to her second nurse ]

Nurse #2: Sponge.

Dr. Inger Yensin: Mascara.

Nurse #1: [ handing it over ] Mascara.

[ Dr. Yensin applies the mascara, then hands it to her second nurse ]

Dr. Inger Yensin: Lipstick.

Nurse #1: [ handing it over ] Lipstick.

[ Dr. Yensin applies the lipstick, then hands it to her second nurse ]

Nurse #2: Lipstick.

Dr. Inger Yensin: Dress and high high heels.

Nurse #1: [ handing them over ] Dress and high heels.

[ Dr. Yensin applies the dress and high heels ]

Nurse #2: Dress and high heels.

Dr. Inger Yensin: Stop anesthesia! The operation is a success.

[ they lower the curtain, revealing the patient dressed as a woman while still retaining a man’s body ]

[ the patient rises and smiles ]

Patient: [ in a throaty whisper ] Live from New York… it’s Saturday Night.

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