Grievance Board


Grievance Board

Executive #1…..Bill Murray
Miss Hoben…..Jane Curtin
Mr. Kramer…..Ted Knight
Executive #2…..Harry Shearer
Executive #3…..Garrett Morris
Miss Crane…..Gilda Radner

[ open on interior, Grievance Board Room ]

Executive #1: Hello, Miss Hoban. First, I’d like to.. we’d all like to thank you for bringing your complaint to the Grievance Board. Sexual harrassment is an important problem to any public corporation like Chudd, and we feel a responsibility to nip this in the bud.

Executive #3: Mmm-hmm.

Miss Hoban: Well, I’m glad you feel that way, Mr. Merkan. As a matter of fact, I was a little nervous about coming here, and telling you all the sordid details.

Executive #1: Nonsense. We love the sordid details! But, seriously, we’d like you just to sit down and relax, please make yourself at home, and everything is going to be kept strictly confidential. But please speak freely.

Miss Hoban: [ composes herself ] Well, ever since I’ve started working with Mr. Kramer, he’s been making sexual advances.

Executive #1: Such as?

Miss Hoban: Well, uh.. my first day on the job, I was on my tiptoes watering his plants, and he came up behind me and rubbed aganst me. I was so shocked, I couldn’t say anything.

Executive #1: Well, I can understand that.

Miss Hoban: Then, the next day, I was taking dictation.. and he dropped a paper clip down the front of my blouse, and offered to get it.

Executive #1: That’s not very fun. Is it?

Miss Hoban: Then, the next week, he turned up the heat on the radiator – all the way up – and he gave me dictation in the nude, pacing back and forth.

Executive #2: Well, that does go against the President’s energy guidelines.

Executive #1: Let’s not make any judgments until we’ve heard the full story. Please continue.

Miss Hoban: Well, by the third week, Mr. Kramer took me out to lunch, and asked me to go to am otel with him. He said if I’d put out, he’d give me a raise and a promotion.

Miss Crane: Well, what did you do, honey?

Miss Hoban: I refused, of course.

Miss Crane: Oh, alright.

Miss Hoban: Well, that was six months ago. And, since then, I’ve seen three other women advanced ahead of me – all of whom have slept with Mr. Kramer.

Executive #1: Well, those are pretty serious charges. I think we should probably get Mr. Kramer in here, see what he has to say to all this. [ into intercom ] Karen, honey, would you send in Mr. Kramer?

Intercom: [ sultry whisper ] You bet.

[ Mr. Kramer hastily enters the boardroom ]

Executive #1: Thank you for coming, Roger – I mean, Mr. Kramer. I’m sure you’re aware this is an inquiry, not a trial. We just want to get the facts straight, so we can understand.

Mr. Kramer: [ nervous ] First, let me say that I’m totally innocent, and I’ve never even met this woman.

Miss Hoban: Mr. Kramer, I’ve been your secretary for six months!

Mr. Kramer: Well, I’d like to see some proof of that!

Miss Hoban: Well, it just so happens that I have an old dictation tape that I think this board might be interested in. [ removes tape from purse, presses Play button ]

Mr. Kramer’s Voice: And.. I look forward to hearing from you, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Best regards, Roger A. Kramer. [ pause ] Okay, Amy – once you get that done, why don’t you take off your pants and come into my office!

Mr. Kramer: [ sweating ] Oh.. okay.. uh.. yes, I-I-I do remember you now.

Executive #1: Roger, Miss Hoben has leveled some pretty serious charges to you. She says that you are promoting only those women who give you sexual favors.

Mr. Kramer: [ stammering ] Oh, wait a minute, I think you’ve got a few things ass backwards here. I mean, if you don’t mind my saying so, sure, I admit it – I do occasionally have sex with female employees here at Chudd – sometimes in the offices during working hours, you know? I’m just a normal red-blooded American guy! But.. using promotions to get sex? [ chuckles ] That’s another thing.

Executive #1: Mr. Kramer, is it true that the only women that you’ve given promotions to in the last six months are women with whom you have had sex?

Mr. Kramer: Hey!

Executive #1: How about that, Roger?

Mr. Kramer: [ thinking ] Well.. can I help it if the most competent women in marketing happen to have a sexual attraction for me? I mean, it’s like Darwin! The sharp ones sense the power of my manhood, and want to tap my genetic storehouse!

Executive #2: He’s got a point there, Bob. I know the most competent gals in my area kind of have a little thing for me!

Executive #1: Well, Roger, I guess it gets down to this: Miss Hoban says.. that you told her that she’d get a promotion if she had sex with you. Is that true?

Mr. Kramer: Well..her word against mine?

Executive #1: I guess so.. yes.

Mr. Kramer: [ confident ] No-oh! She’s lying!

Miss Hoban: You slime! Don’t you people have any sense of decency?! Are women in this country simply prostitutes, is that it?! But instead of $50 a trick, you get an extra $500 a month? Well, if that’s the case, you’re no better than some pathetic johns wqho can’t get sex unless you’re paying for it!

Mr. Kramer: Alright. Wait.. just a minute. She’s.. she’s right.. I was lying. I.. I did tell her she’d get a promotion if she’d.. she’d put out. Um.. [ weeping pathetically ] I can’t live in shame..! [ moves over to the window, where he stares blanky at the skyline ] [ the board murmurs among themselves ]

Executive #1: Well, at least the truth has come out. And we owe a lot to you, Miss Holman. I think you’ve given this corporation an entirely new perspective on the kind of sexual discrimination that goes on here at CHUD. And we have to thank you for that.

Miss Hoban: You’re welcome.

Executive #1: And now, Miss Crane?

Miss Crane: Yeah?

Executive #1: Will you take Miss Hoban out, and have her fill out the official grievance form, and formal complaint? A hearing will incur.. and the rest of the board will take appropriate disciplinary action against this gnetleman.

Miss Crane: Alright.

Executive #1: Thank you, gentlemen.

Miss Crane: Follow me.

[ the two women exit the room ] [ Mr. Kramer slowly walks over to the board members ]

Mr. Kramer: [ laughs heartily with the Board ] Was that a close one?! You guys were great!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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