“Java Junkie”

“Java Junkie”

Written and directed by: Tom Schiller

Joe…..Peter Aykroyd
Waitress…..Teri Garr

[ SUPER: “Java Junkie” ] [ dissolve to Joe entering his usual diner in the morning ]

Joe V/O: It was one of those mornings when nothing felt right. The night before, my girlfriend Betty said she wanted to call it quits. And I’d just been fired from my job. I felt mixed up – confused.

Waitress: Morning, Joe! How you doing? What’ll you have, the usual?

Joe: Just coffee, I’m not hungry.

Waitress: Oh, boy, that’s a switch. I never saw you pass up breakfast. One coffee, coming right up.

Joe V/O: Yeah, it was strange. I had no appetite. I just wanted coffee. Cuban, black coffee. I kept thinking about Betty, and the look on her face when she said goodbye.

[ music intensifies, as Joe orders another coffee ]

Joe V/O: I ordered a second cup; it tasted good. Then I ordered a third, and fourth. I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t control myself.

[ music intensifies, as the coffee cups stack up around Joe ]

Joe V/O: Then.. I knew I had become.. a Java Junkie.

Waitress: [ echo ] Hey, Joe.. you gotta go.. You okay..?

Joe: Couln’t I just have one more cup? Please?

Waitress: Sorry, Joe. There ain’t no more. You gotta go.

[ Joe is escorted out the door, as the lights go out ]

Joe V/O: I had to pump that rich caffeine into my system, and fast!

[ Joe walks the streets in search of coffee, going from one diner to the next ] [ visions of a prostitute holding a cup of coffee tempt Joe in his mind ]

Prostitute: [ sing-song ] Joe-oe.. have a cup of coffee, Joey-ey.. Hey, Joey! Come on, Joey! Joey!

[ Joe searches frantically for that elusive cup of coffee ]

Joe: My God! Where are you?!

Prostitute: [ laughing sadistically ]

Joe: Where are you?! Come back! I need that coffee! My coffee! I want that coffee!

[ sirens ]

Joe: Coffeeeeeeeee!!

[ slow pan across hospital complex ]

Joe V/O: Well, they found me that night, and threw me into this place – Maxwell House. A medical treatment center for caffeine addiction, where I was place under observation and treated. After seven weeks, I was fully decaffeinated, and ready to re-enter society.

[ Joe enters his old coffee shop ]

Joe V/O: When I stopped back in my old coffee shop, I was a changed man, that’s for sure.

Waitress: Joe! Long time time, no see. What’ll you have?

Joe: Just a cup of, uh, hot water, please.

Waitress: One hot water, coming right up.

Joe: Thanks!

Joe V/O: I felt like a million bucks; I got a new job, Betty said she wanted to see me again, and that old java monkey was off my back forever.


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