“Java Junkie”


“Java Junkie”

Written and directed by: Tom Schiller

Joe…..Peter Aykroyd
Waitress…..Teri Garr

[ SUPER: “Java Junkie” ] [ dissolve to Joe entering his usual diner in the morning ]

Joe V/O: It was one of those mornings when nothing felt right. The night before, my girlfriend Betty said she wanted to call it quits. And I’d just been fired from my job. I felt mixed up – confused.

Waitress: Morning, Joe! How you doing? What’ll you have, the usual?

Joe: Just coffee, I’m not hungry.

Waitress: Oh, boy, that’s a switch. I never saw you pass up breakfast. One coffee, coming right up.

Joe V/O: Yeah, it was strange. I had no appetite. I just wanted coffee. Cuban, black coffee. I kept thinking about Betty, and the look on her face when she said goodbye.

[ music intensifies, as Joe orders another coffee ]

Joe V/O: I ordered a second cup; it tasted good. Then I ordered a third, and fourth. I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t control myself.

[ music intensifies, as the coffee cups stack up around Joe ]

Joe V/O: Then.. I knew I had become.. a Java Junkie.

Waitress: [ echo ] Hey, Joe.. you gotta go.. You okay..?

Joe: Couln’t I just have one more cup? Please?

Waitress: Sorry, Joe. There ain’t no more. You gotta go.

[ Joe is escorted out the door, as the lights go out ]

Joe V/O: I had to pump that rich caffeine into my system, and fast!

[ Joe walks the streets in search of coffee, going from one diner to the next ] [ visions of a prostitute holding a cup of coffee tempt Joe in his mind ]

Prostitute: [ sing-song ] Joe-oe.. have a cup of coffee, Joey-ey.. Hey, Joey! Come on, Joey! Joey!

[ Joe searches frantically for that elusive cup of coffee ]

Joe: My God! Where are you?!

Prostitute: [ laughing sadistically ]

Joe: Where are you?! Come back! I need that coffee! My coffee! I want that coffee!

[ sirens ]

Joe: Coffeeeeeeeee!!

[ slow pan across hospital complex ]

Joe V/O: Well, they found me that night, and threw me into this place – Maxwell House. A medical treatment center for caffeine addiction, where I was place under observation and treated. After seven weeks, I was fully decaffeinated, and ready to re-enter society.

[ Joe enters his old coffee shop ]

Joe V/O: When I stopped back in my old coffee shop, I was a changed man, that’s for sure.

Waitress: Joe! Long time time, no see. What’ll you have?

Joe: Just a cup of, uh, hot water, please.

Waitress: One hot water, coming right up.

Joe: Thanks!

Joe V/O: I felt like a million bucks; I got a new job, Betty said she wanted to see me again, and that old java monkey was off my back forever.


SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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