“Java Junkie”
Written and directed by: Tom Schiller
Joe…..Peter Aykroyd
Waitress…..Teri Garr
[ SUPER: “Java Junkie” ]
[ dissolve to Joe entering his usual diner in the morning ]
Joe V/O: It was one of those mornings when nothing felt right. The night before, my girlfriend Betty said she wanted to call it quits. And I’d just been fired from my job. I felt mixed up – confused.
Waitress: Morning, Joe! How you doing? What’ll you have, the usual?
Joe: Just coffee, I’m not hungry.
Waitress: Oh, boy, that’s a switch. I never saw you pass up breakfast. One coffee, coming right up.
Joe V/O: Yeah, it was strange. I had no appetite. I just wanted coffee. Cuban, black coffee. I kept thinking about Betty, and the look on her face when she said goodbye.
[ music intensifies, as Joe orders another coffee ]
Joe V/O: I ordered a second cup; it tasted good. Then I ordered a third, and fourth. I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t control myself.
[ music intensifies, as the coffee cups stack up around Joe ]
Joe V/O: Then.. I knew I had become.. a Java Junkie.
Waitress: [ echo ] Hey, Joe.. you gotta go.. You okay..?
Joe: Couln’t I just have one more cup? Please?
Waitress: Sorry, Joe. There ain’t no more. You gotta go.
[ Joe is escorted out the door, as the lights go out ]
Joe V/O: I had to pump that rich caffeine into my system, and fast!
[ Joe walks the streets in search of coffee, going from one diner to the next ]
[ visions of a prostitute holding a cup of coffee tempt Joe in his mind ]
Prostitute: [ sing-song ] Joe-oe.. have a cup of coffee, Joey-ey.. Hey, Joey! Come on, Joey! Joey!
[ Joe searches frantically for that elusive cup of coffee ]
Joe: My God! Where are you?!
Prostitute: [ laughing sadistically ]
Joe: Where are you?! Come back! I need that coffee! My coffee! I want that coffee!
[ sirens ]
Joe: Coffeeeeeeeee!!
[ slow pan across hospital complex ]
Joe V/O: Well, they found me that night, and threw me into this place – Maxwell House. A medical treatment center for caffeine addiction, where I was place under observation and treated. After seven weeks, I was fully decaffeinated, and ready to re-enter society.
[ Joe enters his old coffee shop ]
Joe V/O: When I stopped back in my old coffee shop, I was a changed man, that’s for sure.
Waitress: Joe! Long time time, no see. What’ll you have?
Joe: Just a cup of, uh, hot water, please.
Waitress: One hot water, coming right up.
Joe: Thanks!
Joe V/O: I felt like a million bucks; I got a new job, Betty said she wanted to see me again, and that old java monkey was off my back forever.
[ SUPER: “THE END” ]
