Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 5: Episode 8
Ted Knight’s Monologue
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Ted Knight!
Ted Knight: [ deep-voiced ] Hi, guys! [ he chuckles heartily ] Oh!
[ Knight picks up an arrow from a stool, places it over his head, then shimmies like Steve Martin ]
[ Knight then picks up a glass of water, sips, then spits before spilling the water across the microphone ]
Oh! [ he laughs with mock embarrassment ] I spilled some!
[ Knight grabs the microphone and is comically electrocuted ]
[ he releases his grip, catches his breath, then lunges for the microphone so he can be further electrocuted as he laughs heartily ]
I LOVE IT!! [ a beat ] If I may take a moment to be serious… Steve Martin — I know you’re watching, he never misses the show — Steve, I… I hate to spring this on you this way, but — well, I hope you’re sitting down. Because this is very hard for me, and it’s… it’s not something I’m proud of, Steve. But it’s pointless to hide it any longer because… comedy genes will tell, in the end. [ he grabs the high microphone ] Would you fix this, please? [ he himself lowers it ] Thank you. [ he slips on a pair of Groucho glasses ] Steve… it’s in your blood. It’s in MY blood. It’s in OUR blood. Son. [ he removes the glasses ] That’s right, Steve — I’m your father. [ the audience laughs and cheers ] This isn’t funny! I had to come clean because it’s Christmas. Because of all those other Christmases when I couldn’t be there to help a lonely little boy in a white suit with white hair, to make him understand why he was… different. That’s right, Steve! Because, you know, in my youth I was kind of a ramblin’ guy. I rambled into Texas… and your mother. Steve — Son — Stevie! — my boy! It’s true, it’s true! All I can say to your mom and the guy who thinks he’s your dad is… “Excuuuuuuuuuuuse meeeeeee!!!”
[ the audience cheers ]
Steve, I know it’s tacky to tell you on national television, but I had to let you know. Marry Christmas, Son, from Daddy. Oh, boy! I got it off my chest! If you only knew how relieved I am! Whoo! I feel much lighter! Thanks a lot. I feel so good, from my head right down to my… HAPPY FEET!!
[ Knight breaks into Steve Martin’s “Happy Feet” dance ]
We’ll be right back!