Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 5: Episode 8
79h: Ted Knight / Desmond Child & Rouge
Nerds’ Nativity
Mr. Dunwoody…..Ted Knight
Miss Hartwood…..Cheryl Hardwick
Barry…..Al Franken
Todd DiLaMuca…..Bill Murray
Lisa Loopner…..Gilda Radner
Donkey…..Alan Zweibel
Belinda…..Laraine Newman
Cow…..Peter Aykroyd
Mrs. Loopner…..Jane Curtin
Artie…..Paul Shaffer
Angel…..Harry Shearer
Shepherds…..Jim Downey, Tom Gammill, Max Pross
Wise Man…..Tom Davis
Grant Robinson, Jr…..Garrett Morris
[ open on Christmas pageant setting, as Mr. Dunwoody approaches the main stage ]
Mr. Dunwoody: Alright! Settle down, boys and girls! We need everyone’s cooperation! The Christmas Pageant is a tradition here, at Gus Grisham High. We’ve always put on a great show, and we’re gonna do it again NOW! Of course, we’ve missed a couple of rehearsals due to snow days… so it’s going to be rough. Now, I know you’re nervous, but that’s why we have the dress rehearsals. Okay? So let’s try to go through it with as few interruptions as possible.
Barry: [ standing ] Uh — w-what do you mean, Mr. Dunwoody?
Mr. Dunwoody: What you’re doing.
Barry: Well, thank you, Sir.
Mr. Dunwoody: Don’t be a wise guy, Barry.
Barry: But I’m playing a wise man, Sir!
[ the other teenagers groan ]
Mr. Dunwoody: You know what I mean, Barry! [ Barry sits ] Now, let’s be on our best behavior, alright? Listen to your fellow actors and… PRO-JECT!! Alright? Alright, Miss Hartwood — music, please?
[ Mr. Dunwoody steps over to the podium, as Miss Hartwood plays the piano ]
Mr. Dunwoody: “Now it came to pass in those days… that Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem… to be taxed with Mary, who was great with child.”
[ Joseph, Mary and a donkey enter the stage, as played by Todd, Lisa and Artie ]
Todd DiLaMuca: Wo! Easy there. Anybody home?! Anybody? [ Belinda enters ] Uh, yes — you got any room at the inn, or what?
Belinda: “Sorry. No room at the inn.”
Todd DiLaMuca: Oh, that’s too bad. I heard you have color TV.
Lisa Loopner: [ breaking character ] Todd! Todd, say the line!
Todd DiLaMuca: Oh, yes — But, uh, my wife… is great with pillow.
Belinda: “Anyway… there’s no room at the inn, so get your — [ stifling a laugh ] your donkey out of here!”
[ Todd cracks up laughing ]
Mr. Dunwoody: Will you step to the, uh — just stay with the script, please, or I’ll see you at detention! please! Stay with the script.
Belinda: I see your plight, and take pity on you. Come with me. [ she crosses the stage ] You can sleep here in the stable.
Cow: Moo-oo-oo-oo! Moo-oo-oo-oo!
Mr. Dunwoody: Okay, Cow! Where is your head?
Belinda: [ laughing ] He forgot it because it wasn’t attached!
[ the other teenagers laugh ]
Cow: I can’t see in it. The eye holes are in the wrong place.
Mr. Dunwoody: [ aghast ] Costumes?
[ Mrs. Loopner runs up ]
Mrs. Loopner: It’s my fault! I’m sorry, I’m sorry!
Lisa Loopner: Hi, Mom!
Mrs. Loopner: Now, the trick is… you gotta put it on… [ she places the cow head over her head ] And you look through the nostrils. See? Moo!
Mr. Dunwoody: Thank you. Thank you, Mrs. Loopner.
Mrs. Loopner: My goodness.
Lisa Loopner: You’re not taking this seriously, Todd!
Todd DiLaMuca: Yes. Well, uh… someone who may or may not be an agnostic, like myself, you know — there’s something about me that tells me that I might have a little trouble buying this pillow story of our, you know —
Mr. Dunwoody: [ sternly ] Let’s continue, shall we? Your parents will be here in 45 minutes. The REAL performance? Now, you don’t want to disappoint them, do you? Alright. You ready? [ Lisa stands ] “She brought forth her first-born son.”
[ Artie steps forward with a drum and miscued beats, as Lisa turns to remove her pillow and hold up a baby doll ]
Lisa Loopner: You’re ruining it, Artie! Come on, do it!
Mr. Dunwoody: “She wrapped him in swaddling clothes.”
Lisa Loopner: Oh, no! Somebody swiped the swaddling cloth!
[ Todd steps forward with the swaddling cloth wrapped over his head ]
Todd DiLaMuca: Oy, excuse me, Ma’am? Did you lose something…?
[ Lisa swipes the swaddling cloth from Todd’s head ]
Lisa Loopner: Oh, that’s so funny I forgot to laugh!
Mr. Dunwoody: I’m warinnig you, Todd! [ he continues ] “Then she lay Him in the manger.”
[ Lisa lays the baby doll in the manger ]
Todd DiLaMuca: Mr. Dunwoody, this looks like a girl doll to me.
Lisa Loopner: Ugh! Todd’s obviously never heard of acting!
Mr. Dunwoody: [ sternly ] Todd. I’m WARNING you! I don’t want to hear another peep out of you, alright?
Todd DiLaMuca: [ covering his mouth ] Pee-eep!
Mr. Dunwoody: I’m NOT going to warn you again, Todd! I mean it this time! Alright — shepherds, angels and sheeps, set yourselves.
[ shepherds, angels, and sheep climb on stage ]
Mr. Dunwoody: “And there were shepherds abiding the fields, watching their flocks by night. And an angel of the Lord appeared unto them.”
[ the angel stands, with a flashligh shining into his eyes ]
Mr. Dunwoody: “And the angel said unto them:…”
Angel: “Behold! I bring you glad tidings of great joy, for theere is born you this daya Savior who is Christ our Lord!”
Mr. Dunwoody: “And the shepherds said, one to another:…”
Shepherds: [ out-of-sync ] “Let us go now… onto… Bethlehem…”
[ the sheep begin to wander the stage ]
Mr. Dunwoody: Sheep! Sheep, Sheep! You’re followers, not leaders! [ he continues ] “And they found Mary and Joseph and the babe lying in the manger.” Lying in the manger!
Todd DiLaMuca: [ singing ] “Oh, hark the herald angels sing, glory to –“
Lisa Loopner: Cut it out, Todd!
Todd DiLaMuca: I can’t — I don’t have the scissors, goofy…
Lisa Loopner: You’re gonna GET IT, Todd! Mr. Dunwoody’s really getting MAD at you!
Mr. Dunwoody: Okay, DiLaMuca! That does it!
[ Artie beats the drums as Mr. Dunwoody approaches Todd ]
Mr. Dunwoody: Consider yourself warned!
[ Mr. Dunwoody retusn to his podium ]
Mr. Dunwoody: Alright. “Behold, Wise Men from the East came.” [ nothing happens ] Wise Men, where are you?!
[ Barry and Grant Robinson, Jr. run up on stage with another student playing the third Wise Man ]
Mr. Dunwoody: “Saying…” [ nothing ] Wise Men, “Saying…”
Grant Robinson,, Jr.: Uh — uh — “Where is He, that is born King of the Jews? We saw your star in the East, and are here to worship Him.”
Mr. Dunwoody: [ eyes rolling ] Well done, Wise Men. [ he continues ] “And, when they saw the child with Mary, His mother, they fell down.”
[ the Wise Men fall forward before the manger ]
Mr. Dunwoody: “And worshipped him… and offered unto him gold, frankincense, and myrrh. But, there was one who had no gift to offer… so he gave what he could.”
[ Artie begins to pound an extended beat onto his drum ]
Mr. Dunwoody: Alright. [ Artie continues ] Alright! [ Artie finishes with a rim shot ] “And when the little drummer boy was finished… they all gathered round the Baby Jesus and his mother, and silently adored him.”
[ the teenagers stare down at the baby doll, heavy nasal breathing coming from among the Wise Men ]
Todd DiLaMuca: If you guys were really wise, you’d have brought some gold, frankincense and Dristan!
[ aggravated, Lisa stands ]
Lisa Loopner: Stop it! Stop it, I can’t stand this any more! This is the most beautiful of the greatest story ever told, and you’re RUINING it! We shouldn’t be acting silly like this! This is the — this is the MESSAGE of Christmas’s Peace On Earth, good will to men AND women — doesn’t that MEAN anything to ANY of you?! [ sobbing ] Well, it does to me!
Mr. Dunwoody: [ stepping forward ] Oh… now, now, now, now, now… alright.
Lisa Loopner: I’m sorry, Mr. Dunwoody, I just HAD to!
Mr. Dunwoody: Don’t — don’t cry, Mare.
Todd DiLaMuca: [ stepping forward ] Forgive me, Lisa… for acting like such a child, but you make such a perfect Mary that it’s spooky! You know? I mean, I happen to know that you’re one of the few girls here at Gus Grisham High who is, uh, physically correct for this part. Well, Lisa, I hope you find some forgiveness in your heart when I say that I’d love nothing more than to… [ singing, as he pounds her head ] Deck your head with Christmas noogies! That’s right, my dear — a little early this year, my dear!
Mr. Dunwoody: [ giving up ] Miss Hartwood? Miss Hartwood, let’s have the music for the finale, please! [ she begins to play the piano ] Now, sing out, everybody — animals, too!
[ the entire group breaks into a Christmas carol, as the camera pulls back on the scene and we FADE ]
