Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 5: Episode 8
Mr. Dunwoody…..Ted Knight
Miss Hartwood…..Cheryl Hardwick
Todd DiLaMuca…..Bill Murray
Lisa Loopner…..Gilda Radner
Mrs. Loopner…..Jane Curtin
Shepherds…..Jim Downey, Tom Gammill, Max Pross
Wise Man…..Tom Davis
Grant Robinson, Jr…..Garrett Morris
[ open on Christmas pageant setting, as Mr. Dunwoody approaches the main stage ]
Mr. Dunwoody: Alright! Settle down, boys and girls! We need everyone’s cooperation! The Christmas Pageant is a tradition here, at Gus Grisham High. We’ve always put on a great show, and we’re gonna do it again NOW! Of course, we’ve missed a couple of rehearsals due to snow days… so it’s going to be rough. Now, I know you’re nervous, but that’s why we have the dress rehearsals. Okay? So let’s try to go through it with as few interruptions as possible.
Barry: [ standing ] Uh — w-what do you mean, Mr. Dunwoody?
Mr. Dunwoody: What you’re doing.
Barry: Well, thank you, Sir.
Mr. Dunwoody: Don’t be a wise guy, Barry.
Barry: But I’m playing a wise man, Sir![ the other teenagers groan ]
Mr. Dunwoody: You know what I mean, Barry! [ Barry sits ] Now, let’s be on our best behavior, alright? Listen to your fellow actors and… PRO-JECT!! Alright? Alright, Miss Hartwood — music, please?[ Mr. Dunwoody steps over to the podium, as Miss Hartwood plays the piano ]
Mr. Dunwoody: “Now it came to pass in those days… that Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem… to be taxed with Mary, who was great with child.”[ Joseph, Mary and a donkey enter the stage, as played by Todd, Lisa and Artie ]
Todd DiLaMuca: Wo! Easy there. Anybody home?! Anybody? [ Belinda enters ] Uh, yes — you got any room at the inn, or what?
Belinda: “Sorry. No room at the inn.”
Todd DiLaMuca: Oh, that’s too bad. I heard you have color TV.
Lisa Loopner: [ breaking character ] Todd! Todd, say the line!
Todd DiLaMuca: Oh, yes — But, uh, my wife… is great with pillow.
Belinda: “Anyway… there’s no room at the inn, so get your — [ stifling a laugh ] your donkey out of here!”[ Todd cracks up laughing ]
Mr. Dunwoody: Will you step to the, uh — just stay with the script, please, or I’ll see you at detention! please! Stay with the script.
Belinda: I see your plight, and take pity on you. Come with me. [ she crosses the stage ] You can sleep here in the stable.
Cow: Moo-oo-oo-oo! Moo-oo-oo-oo!
Mr. Dunwoody: Okay, Cow! Where is your head?
Belinda: [ laughing ] He forgot it because it wasn’t attached![ the other teenagers laugh ]
Cow: I can’t see in it. The eye holes are in the wrong place.
Mr. Dunwoody: [ aghast ] Costumes?[ Mrs. Loopner runs up ]
Mrs. Loopner: It’s my fault! I’m sorry, I’m sorry!
Lisa Loopner: Hi, Mom!
Mrs. Loopner: Now, the trick is… you gotta put it on… [ she places the cow head over her head ] And you look through the nostrils. See? Moo!
Mr. Dunwoody: Thank you. Thank you, Mrs. Loopner.
Mrs. Loopner: My goodness.
Lisa Loopner: You’re not taking this seriously, Todd!
Todd DiLaMuca: Yes. Well, uh… someone who may or may not be an agnostic, like myself, you know — there’s something about me that tells me that I might have a little trouble buying this pillow story of our, you know —
Mr. Dunwoody: [ sternly ] Let’s continue, shall we? Your parents will be here in 45 minutes. The REAL performance? Now, you don’t want to disappoint them, do you? Alright. You ready? [ Lisa stands ] “She brought forth her first-born son.”[ Artie steps forward with a drum and miscued beats, as Lisa turns to remove her pillow and hold up a baby doll ]
Lisa Loopner: You’re ruining it, Artie! Come on, do it!
Mr. Dunwoody: “She wrapped him in swaddling clothes.”
Lisa Loopner: Oh, no! Somebody swiped the swaddling cloth![ Todd steps forward with the swaddling cloth wrapped over his head ]
Todd DiLaMuca: Oy, excuse me, Ma’am? Did you lose something…?[ Lisa swipes the swaddling cloth from Todd’s head ]
Lisa Loopner: Oh, that’s so funny I forgot to laugh!
Mr. Dunwoody: I’m warinnig you, Todd! [ he continues ] “Then she lay Him in the manger.”[ Lisa lays the baby doll in the manger ]
Todd DiLaMuca: Mr. Dunwoody, this looks like a girl doll to me.
Lisa Loopner: Ugh! Todd’s obviously never heard of acting!
Mr. Dunwoody: [ sternly ] Todd. I’m WARNING you! I don’t want to hear another peep out of you, alright?
Todd DiLaMuca: [ covering his mouth ] Pee-eep!
Mr. Dunwoody: I’m NOT going to warn you again, Todd! I mean it this time! Alright — shepherds, angels and sheeps, set yourselves.[ shepherds, angels, and sheep climb on stage ]
Mr. Dunwoody: “And there were shepherds abiding the fields, watching their flocks by night. And an angel of the Lord appeared unto them.”[ the angel stands, with a flashligh shining into his eyes ]
Mr. Dunwoody: “And the angel said unto them:…”
Angel: “Behold! I bring you glad tidings of great joy, for theere is born you this daya Savior who is Christ our Lord!”
Mr. Dunwoody: “And the shepherds said, one to another:…”
Shepherds: [ out-of-sync ] “Let us go now… onto… Bethlehem…”[ the sheep begin to wander the stage ]
Mr. Dunwoody: Sheep! Sheep, Sheep! You’re followers, not leaders! [ he continues ] “And they found Mary and Joseph and the babe lying in the manger.” Lying in the manger!
Todd DiLaMuca: [ singing ] “Oh, hark the herald angels sing, glory to –“
Lisa Loopner: Cut it out, Todd!
Todd DiLaMuca: I can’t — I don’t have the scissors, goofy…
Lisa Loopner: You’re gonna GET IT, Todd! Mr. Dunwoody’s really getting MAD at you!
Mr. Dunwoody: Okay, DiLaMuca! That does it![ Artie beats the drums as Mr. Dunwoody approaches Todd ]
Mr. Dunwoody: Consider yourself warned![ Mr. Dunwoody retusn to his podium ]
Mr. Dunwoody: Alright. “Behold, Wise Men from the East came.” [ nothing happens ] Wise Men, where are you?![ Barry and Grant Robinson, Jr. run up on stage with another student playing the third Wise Man ]
Mr. Dunwoody: “Saying…” [ nothing ] Wise Men, “Saying…”
Grant Robinson,, Jr.: Uh — uh — “Where is He, that is born King of the Jews? We saw your star in the East, and are here to worship Him.”
Mr. Dunwoody: [ eyes rolling ] Well done, Wise Men. [ he continues ] “And, when they saw the child with Mary, His mother, they fell down.”[ the Wise Men fall forward before the manger ]
Mr. Dunwoody: “And worshipped him… and offered unto him gold, frankincense, and myrrh. But, there was one who had no gift to offer… so he gave what he could.”[ Artie begins to pound an extended beat onto his drum ]
Mr. Dunwoody: Alright. [ Artie continues ] Alright! [ Artie finishes with a rim shot ] “And when the little drummer boy was finished… they all gathered round the Baby Jesus and his mother, and silently adored him.”[ the teenagers stare down at the baby doll, heavy nasal breathing coming from among the Wise Men ]
Todd DiLaMuca: If you guys were really wise, you’d have brought some gold, frankincense and Dristan![ aggravated, Lisa stands ]
Lisa Loopner: Stop it! Stop it, I can’t stand this any more! This is the most beautiful of the greatest story ever told, and you’re RUINING it! We shouldn’t be acting silly like this! This is the — this is the MESSAGE of Christmas’s Peace On Earth, good will to men AND women — doesn’t that MEAN anything to ANY of you?! [ sobbing ] Well, it does to me!
Mr. Dunwoody: [ stepping forward ] Oh… now, now, now, now, now… alright.
Lisa Loopner: I’m sorry, Mr. Dunwoody, I just HAD to!
Mr. Dunwoody: Don’t — don’t cry, Mare.
Todd DiLaMuca: [ stepping forward ] Forgive me, Lisa… for acting like such a child, but you make such a perfect Mary that it’s spooky! You know? I mean, I happen to know that you’re one of the few girls here at Gus Grisham High who is, uh, physically correct for this part. Well, Lisa, I hope you find some forgiveness in your heart when I say that I’d love nothing more than to… [ singing, as he pounds her head ] Deck your head with Christmas noogies! That’s right, my dear — a little early this year, my dear!
Mr. Dunwoody: [ giving up ] Miss Hartwood? Miss Hartwood, let’s have the music for the finale, please! [ she begins to play the piano ] Now, sing out, everybody — animals, too![ the entire group breaks into a Christmas carol, as the camera pulls back on the scene and we FADE ]