Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 5: Episode 9
George Bush…..Jim Downey
Mrs. Volger…..Teri Garr
Ted Kennedy…..Bill Murray
John Connally…..Tom Davis
Rosalynn Carter…..Laraine Newman
Police Officer…..Garrett Morris
Howard Baker…..Brian Doyle-Murray
…..John B. Anderson
[ open on exterior, Iowa farmhouse in the snow ]
Announcer: If anyone doubts that democracy still exists in America, let him look to the Iowa Precinct Caucuses, where individual households were able to participate in a meaningful way… in the process of choosing the next president of the United States.[ SUPER: “Somewhere Near Mason City, Iowa – January 19, 1980” ] [ dissolve to interior, farmhouse ] [ Mrs. Volger sits on the couch, reading, as apron-clad George Bush enters carrying a load of laundry ]
George Bush: Mrs. Volger, I finished the wash, but I’m afraid I couldn’t get the jelly stain out of Kimberly’s clothes.
Mrs. Volger: Oh, Mr. Bush. You folded it. Such a dear. You know, I could have oe of the other candidates take that upstairs and put it away.
George Bush: No. I’m not the sort of person who starts a job and walks away from it. I took the laundry downstairs, I sorted it, I washed it, I dried it, I folded it; now, I want to put it away!
Mrs. Volger: Very nice of you.[ Bush exits the living room, as Ted Kenendy enters through the front door carrying a snowshovel ] [ SUPER: “Edward Kennedy – Democrat” ]
Ted Kennedy: Uh… Mrs. Volger, I, uh… I, uh, shoveled all the snow off the, uh, driveway. If the county snowplow dosn’t come by and, you know, plow the driveway and cover it up, your husband should have no trouble getting out of the, uh, garage.
Mrs. Volger: Well, are you alright?
Ted Kennedy: Well, I, uh… I, uh, slipped on the, uh, ince, and I seem to have, uh, reinjured my back.
Mrs. Volger: Oh. I’m sorry.
John Connally: Uh… Mrs. Volger? Where do you keep the saucepans at?
Mrs. Volger: All the pans go in the cabinet under the stove.[ SUPER: “John Connally – Republican” ]
John Connally: Alright. Uh, Senator Baker and I are just about through doing the dishes. Say, uh — What’s the matter with Senator Kennedy?
Mrs. Volger: Oh. He, uh… he slipped on the ice.
John Connally: You know… I’ve done a lot of traveling in this campaign, talking to folks all around this country… and there’s two things that keep coming up again and again. The American people do not want a president who’s too old to do the job, nor do they want a president who is simply accident-prone![ Kimberly enters, whining ]
Mrs. Volger: Yes, Honey?
Kimberly: Mom, I have this Math test tomorrow, and I don’t know what to do, I don’t understand it!
Ted Kennedy: [ leaning in ] Uhhh — Is it multiplication, division and so forth?
Ted Kennedy: Well, I’m a little bit rusty in that are, but I, uh, would be happy to, uh, take the test for you.
Kimberly: Would you?! [ she hands her textbook over to him ]
Mrs. Volger: Uh, Senator… [ she retrieves the textbook ] Thank you, really, but I think this is something little Kimberly should do on her own.
Kimberly: Oh, Mom, come on! Come on!
John Connally: Kimberly? How would you like your very own pony?
Kimberly: Oh, would I! A pony! Great!
Mrs. Volger: Uh — Now, Governor Connally, Senator Kennedy… When our family agreed to meet the candidates personally, we had an understanding that certain kinds of campaigning were definitely off-limits, and I’m afraid — [ the phone rings ] Oh. Excuse me.
Mrs. Volger: Hello? Yes, Mr. President. Oh, yes, I tihnk she’ll do alright on her exam tomorrow, uh-huh. Oh, Amy was VERY helpful, she was. Uh-huh. Oh, um, I understand that you couldn’t make it, uh-huh, I do. Uh, look, Mr. President — uh, I hate to be rude, but we can’t keep tying up the line this way, so, um… Oh, yes, she’s here! She’s in scrubbing the bathorom floor. Uh, I’ll get her. Just a minute. [ calling out ] Rosalynn? Telephone![ Rosalynn Carter rushes out ]
Rosalynn Carter: For me?
Mrs. Volger: Uh, yes, it’s the President again.
Rosalynn Carter: Oh, goodie! [ she grabs the phone ] Hi, honey! Yes, they understand — You have to be in Washington. Well, I was just scrubbing the bathroom floor with Congressman Crane. Honey, you know, that man is so full of — Well, he’s just about the freshest man I’ve ever met. It’s really unbelievable. Oh, don’t worry — I’ll just tell him to keep his hands to himself. Uh, yes, we really should get off. Uh-huh. I love you, too! We’re gonna win! [ she giggles coquettishly ] Bye bye! [ she hangs up and turns to Mrs. Volger ] Well, Jimmy says he’ll try to call you tomorrow to find out how Kimberly does on the test. Now, is there anything else I can do for you?
Mrs. Volger: Well, my daughter Ellen should be finished with band practice soon. You could take the car and pick her up.
Ted Kennedy: Uh… I, uh, would be, uh, glad to take the car and pick her up.
Mrs. Volger: Uhhh… No, Senator Kennedy, I think… I think it would be better if Rosalynn took the car. Why don’t you just rest your back, relax here for a while?
Ted Kennedy: Okay. Fine.
Rosalynn Carter: I’ll be back in half-an-hour.
Mrs. Volger: Alright. Thank you.[ Rosalynn Carter exits the house, as George Bush re-enters the front room ]
George Bush: Mrs. Volger?
Mrs. Volger: Yes?
George Bush: I took all the sheets and towels and put them in the hall closet. I took the socks, sorted them, put them in the drawer. THere was some underwear — I didn’t know whose it was, so I left it on the bed.
Mrs. Volger: Oh… well, uh, Mr. Bush, you have been running around all day like a madman! Why don’t you sit down and rest for a while?
George Bush: No. That is just not my style. Let the other candidates rest. I look around the house and I see SO MUCH that needs doing! So much change that needs to be done! You know… when I was bringing in the kids’ bikes from the garage the other day, I noticed some paint peeling on the house. Now, we could all get up early in the morning, we could drop a tarp, we could start scraping, we could start painting… we could paint that house, we could get the job done!
Ted Kennedy: [ standing ] Uh, I-I couldn’t help overhearing Mr. Bush’s proposal, uh… I would like to say that I think it is unwise to, uh, attemtp to paint the house, uh, at this time of the year.
John Connally: [ jumping in ] For once, I’d like to, uh, AGREE with Senator Kennedy. Like we like to say in Texas, it’s just too damn cold!
Mrs. Volger: [ laughing ] I see![ the doorbell rings ] [ Mrs. Volger opens the door to reveal a police officer ]
Mrs. Volger: Oh! Come in, Officer.
Police Officer: Hey, I’m sorry to bother, Mrs. Volger, but we had a report that Congressman John B. Adam — Anderson, rather, excuse me! — was sighted in the area. Uh, we had to check it out. Have you seen him, by any chance?
Mrs. Volger: Well, Officer, we have ALL of the candidates here in the last two days, but I haven’t seen Congressman Anderson at all. Do you happen to know what he looks like?
Police Officer: I’m afraid I don’t, Ma’am. We don’t even have enough on him to do a composite sketch.
Mrs. Volger: I see. [ to her guests ] Well, has anyone here seen Congressman Anderson?
Politicians: No… no… no…
Kimberly: Mom? Isn’t that Congressman Anderson cleaning out the humidifier upstairs?
Mrs. Volger: Oh! [ she laughs ] No, honey, that’s Senator Dole! I’m sorry I can’t be of much help, Officer. If we see anyone that we don’t recognize, we’ll will let you know.
Police Officer: Uh, thanks, Ma’am. And here’s a number to call.
Mrs. Volger: Oh. Thank you.[ the Officer exits, as Howard Baker enters from the kitchen ] [ SUPER: “Sen. Howard Baker – Republican” ]
Howard Baker: Uh, Mrs. Volger? I finished washing the dishes. If Governor Connally would be good enough to dry them — as he promised — we could get on to other, more important tasks.
John Connally: [ grabbing a glass from Baker ] Well, for a man who’d like to run this country’s government, you do a DAMN poor job of washing glasses!
Howard Baker: Well, I’ll tell you something, my friend: It happens to be VERY difficult to concentrate on washing a water glass when you’re concerned about the FATE of FIFTY American hostages over in Iran!
Mrs. Volger: Now, Senator Baker! I think we’re all — ALL the candidates are concerned about the hostages in Iran —
Howard Baker: Not as much as ME!! Not as much as ME!![ suddenly, Governor Connally drops the water glass he was drying ]
John Connally: Oh, look at me!
Ted Kennedy: That’s a, uh, smooth move, Mr. Connally. Uhhh… maybe i’m not, uh, not the only candidate who is, uh, accident-prone around here!
John Connally: Well, nobody DROWNED, did they?! I didn’t see little Kimberly, here, DROWN because I dropped the glass!
Ted Kennedy: You’re gonna pay for that![ Kennedy starts to strangle Connally, then stops when he throws his back worse ]
Mrs. Volger: Could everyone just take it EASY?! Listen! I’m afraid if we don’t keep it down, we’re going to wake up Governor Reagan — and he needs his rest!
John Connally: Well, Kennedy started it!
Mrs. Volger: Who cares who started it? I’m sure that a year from now, we’re all gonna look back at this and, uh, laugh! A year from now![ Senator Kennedy laughs ] [ dissolve to exterior of house, with irised footage of each candidate ]
Announcer: George Bush: Suffered a massive hernia while helping a New Hampshire farmer remove a tree stump from his property.
Senator Edward Kennedy: Withdrew from the race after humiliating defeat in the Massachusetts Primary.
John Connally: Forced out of the race after his indictment on two counts of first degree murder.
Senator Howard Baker: Found in a motel room during the Wisconsin Primary with Congressman Crane.
Ronald Reagan: Forced to withdraw from the race for lying about his age. He was 94.
Jimmy Carter: Re-nominated by acclimation, but lost the General Election, due to Soviet takeover of Afghanistan, Yugoslavia, France and Scotland.
John B. Anderson: Elected 40th President of the United States.[ image opens up to reveal Anderson seated among the audience in the balcony, as the camera zooms out with sUPER: “coming up next: Summer Olympics Garage Sale” ] [ fade ]