Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 5: Episode 9
Debs Behind Bars
Gloria Vanderbilt…..Laraine Newman
Announcer: The following episode of “Debs Behind Bars” contains scenes of icky prison life among hardened criminals, as well as graphic depiction of unattractive mess halls, and cells so gross and disgusting you wouldn’t even walk into one – much less have to spend a lot of time there. Parental discretion is advised.[ dissolve to interior, jail cell, three preppy teenagers sitting around biding their time. Muffin sits atop bunk bed blowing horribly on a French horn. ]
Bitsy: Muffin, would you please cut it out! Why don’t you just write some more Thank You notes!
Muffin: My arm’s tired. Besides, playing the French horn happens to be my way of dealing with the grim reality of prison life.
Winky: I am so bored! I hate this place, I hate it!
Winky: Oh, I’m sorry, I do. I hate it. I hate being beaten by the guards, I hate getting stared at in the showers, I hate getting caught in the middle of razor fights! I just hate it! I hate all the girls, too!
Bitsy: Winky, try to remember that a lot of the other girls haven’t had the advantages that we’ve had.
Muffin: Well, I can’t take another year of this, either! When are we gonna get paroled!
Bitsy: Well, Daddy says to just sit tight, and wait ’til George Bush is President. And we’ll get a pardon.
Matron: Mail call!
Winky: Aw, watch out, here comes the Matron..[ Matron enters cell ]
Matron: Well, look at this! A cover story on wintering in Mexico. I bet you know-ow some of these girls!
Bitsy: [ excited ] Ohhh! The new Town & Country! Let me see, let me see!
Matron: [ pulls magazine away ] Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! Not so fast – the subscription rate just went up.
Bitsy: Oh, alright! [ removes dollar bills from inside sweater ] Here!
Matron: Uh, Miss Bitsy, there’s someone outside to see you.
Bitsy: [ excited ] Oh, maybe it’s about our request for more closet space! [ runs out of cell to see ]
Matron: Uh.. Miss Weinstein? I’ve got a big date after work tonight, and I’d just love to borrow one of your fine pastel monogrammed sweaters.
Muffin: No, they’d be too small on you!
Matron: Mmm-hmm.. Please!
Muffin: Oh, oh, on no, you’ll wreck it out!
Matron: Pretty.. please?
Muffin: [ gives in ] Okay, okay, okay!
Muffin: Here, take it.
Matron: Thank you. By the way, it’s a shame you two girls didn’t get to see the Princeton-Harvard game. But then, you probably don’t like football, do you?
Debs: [ jumping up and down in eager anticipation ] Who won?! Who won?! Who won?![ Matron exits cell, winning that contest of wills ] [ cut to Bitsy entering to see her visitor by the glass ]
Daddy: Bitsy! Nice to see you! Terrific! Marvelous! Couldn’t be better!
Bitsy: Oh, Daddy! What a surprise!
Daddy: Pleasure! Good for you!
Bitsy: Well.. is there any news?
Daddy: [ holds up book ] Look at this – the 1980 Social Register’s out, and here you are. Elizabeth Holbrook Brester, Junior Miss, State Penitentiary. Don’t you just love it! Couldn’t like it more!
Bitsy: Well, Daddy.. but what the appeal?
Daddy: Well, Bitsy, we’ve done about all we can there. All we can hope is that George Bush does really well in New Hamsphire. But that’s not why I came here today. I came because I want you to meet someone very special. Someone who’s going to be.. your new stepmother.
Bitsy: Daddy, you’re getting married?
Daddy: Darling, would you come in?[ Gloria Vanderbilt slinks in wearing a tight pair of jeans ]
Bitsy: Gloria Vanderbilt, I don’t believe it!
Daddy: Gloria has her own business, Bitsy. She designs blue jeans! Don’t you love it!
Bitsy: Couldn’t like it more! You’re looking wonderful, Gloria!
Gloria Vanderbilt: My jeans fit fantastically! They hug your hips, don’t bind here, and shape your derriere! And it looks super with my Vanderbilt tux!
Daddy: From the Academy!
Bitsy: Well, I’m very happy for you both.
Daddy: Bitsy, there’s one more thing. Uh.. the church is a bit small, and since you are a convicted felon, some of Gloria’s family felt that you shouldn’t be invited to the wedding. We hope you’ll understand.
Bitsy: Not invited?![ scene freezes on close-up of Bitsy’s face, as TITLE fades over ]
Announcer: Tomorrow night on “Debs Behind Bars”: The girls in Cell Block G become unwitting accomplices to a breakout scheme.[ dissolve to cell block, where prep boys break in through the wall ]
Bitsy: Can you stand it! Oh, he’s breaking in! Oh, wow!
Windy: Hi, girls! You know, we’re confined to the Men’s Correctional Institute across the way, and we’re breaking out for a little road trip! Thought you’d like to join us!
Cotty: Yes, it’s serious break-out action!
Windy: For sure!
Winky: Where’d you craft?
Bitsy: Oh. What are you in for?
Cotty: Well, we’re doing six months for dropping trou at the Millbrook cotillion!
Windy: We’ve got a couple of kegs, some scotch.. it’ll be keen! We’re talking intense road trip activity!
Muffin: Who are these guys? We haven’t been introduced.
Cotty: Okay, it’s a long story, but.. you’re Harrison Weinstein’s sister, right?
Muffin: That’s right.
Cotty: Well, okay, I played hockey with Harry, back at Chope. And I think.. [ points to Bitsy ] ..that your sister knows my cousin from Nantucket.
Bitsy: You’re Bill’s brother?
Cotty: Yes, that’s right! Oh! I’m sorry. My name’s Cotty.. this is Windy.. and this here is Bill Pemberton – and we call him Barnio.
Windy: He’s a complete wild man! Intense GNP consumption!
Muffin: Wow! He looksc really fazed!
Barnio: Let’s go for it! Let’s party! Whoo![ Barnio runs into the tunnel ]
Bitsy: Eugh! The tunnel looks really filthy in there!
Muffin: Did you crawl through that?
Cotty: Well, yeah..
Windy: Barnio’s probably back there booting – blowing lunch![ the debs are repulsed by the thought ]
Announcer: That’s tomorrow night – on “Debs Behind Bars”.[ camera pulls back on set, with SUPER: “coming up next: Cafeterias of the Damned” ] [ fade ]