“Mr. Bill Gets Help”


“Mr. Bill Gets Help”

[ SUPER: “Skid Row 1980” ] [ pan across dingy part of town; camera pauses when it finds derelict Mr. Bill and pet dog Spot sitting among trash ] [ Spot barks pathetically ]

Mr. Bill: Aw, come on, Spot. you know I can’t afford to buy you any more dog food.

[ Spot barks when he spies Mr. Bill’s bottle of rye ]

Mr. Bill: Stop.. now, I told you that’s my medicine! Now, Spot, why don’t you just run along and find yourself another best friend!

[ Miss Sally appears ]

Miss Sally: Oh, there you are, Mr. Bill. I’ve been looking all over for you. You haven’t been to work, and no one knows where you are..

Mr. Bill: Well, now you know where I am, Miss Sally, so you can go now – I’ll see you later!

Miss Sally: Oh no, Mr. Bill. I’m gonna stay. I think you need professional help.

Mr. Bill: You mean, a psychiatrist? [ thinks ] You know, you’re right, Miss Sally. I’m too young to give up on myself yet. So, kids, I hope you’re ready to have fun today, because we’re all gonna go see a psychiatrist! Yay-ay-ay!

Miss Sally: [ holding card that reads: “Dr. I.M. Hanz” ] They say he’s very good.

[ dissolve to interior, Psychiatrist’s Office; psychiatrist is shown as a pair of hands sticking out over a desk ]

Mr. Bill: [ laying on the couch ] Uh.. so, you see, Doctor, I’ve been a little down lately, and it’s just not like me.. so I’ve decided that I need some help.

Dr. I.M. Hanz: This sounds very serious to me. We’ll have to go all the way back to the beginning.

Mr. Bill: But I can’t remember that far!

Dr. I.M. Hanz: Then I’m afraid I’ll have to hypnotize you.

Mr. Bill: Oh, uh.. are you sure that’s safe, Doctor?

Dr. I.M. Hanz: Of course, it is. Now just relax, and concentrate on the watch.

[ watch swings back and forth, as Mr. Bill drifts into his past ]

Dr. I.M. Hanz: Your eyes are getting heavy.. I want you to go back in your memory as far as you can.

[ dissolve to stork delivering Mr. Bill to his parents; town sign reads: “Sluggoville, We Hate The Bills” ]

Mr. Bill: Oh.. it’s a stork.. and he’s bringing me to my new home – in Sluggoville. Oh, no! Gee, my mom and dad were out picnicking that day, and all of a sudden.. oh!!

[ stork drops Mr. Bill onto the rooftop, where he rolls down and crashes onto the picnic table, causing Mr. Bill’s dad’s head to fall off ]

Dr. I.M. Hanz: Hmm.. maybe the answer lies in your dreams. Do you ever have nightmares?

[ dissolve to footage of Mr. Bill laying on a raft in a sink, as Mr. Hands pulls the plug causing Mr. Bill to to be sucked under ]

Mr. Bill: I always have this dream where I’m out at sea.. oh wait, it’s a sink! And I’m going down, and I can’t stop!

[ image of Mr. Bill spins out of control amongst visions of multiple Mr. Hands ] [ Devil Sluggo holds a pitchfork as Mr. Bill lands in the bowels of Hell – right onto the spikes of Sluggo’s pitchfork ]

Mr. Bill: Ohhh!!!

Dr. I.M. Hanz: You obviously feel humiliated by these so-called hands. My diagnosis is that you suffer from severe paranoia.

Mr. Bill: [ not buying it ] Oh, no! Those hands are real! And, you know something? you look mighty familiar! I want a second opinion, Doc!

[ Mr. Hands places Dr. Sluggo next to Mr. Bill on the couch ]

Dr. I.M. Hanz: Well, my associate, Dr. Sluggo, also says that you are crazy! And you’ll need.. a lobotomy.

[ Mr. Hands holds a pair of plastic scissors to Mr. Bill’s scalp, as the scene quickly fades ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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