Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 5: Episode 9
Sarducci in Tokyo
Father Guido Sarducci…..Don Novello
Announcer: “Saturday Night Live” will be delayed tonight, so that NBC can present continuing nightly coverage of the crisis in Tokyo.[ dissolve to Paul McCartney bumper card ]
Announcer: Day 11 — Paul McCartney in Japan.[ dissolve to “Weekend update” set ]
Jane Curtin: Good evening. The crisis in Japan took some dramatic new turns today: Paul McCartney HAS been freed. But the crisis continues. Here with a recap of the past ten days is Bill Murray. Bill?
Bill Murray: Thank you, Jane. Well… it’s been a long and winding road for Paul McCartney. Let’s look back eleven days.
Day 1, January 14th, 1980: Paul McCartney’s luggage is inspected by Customs agents at the Tokyo Airport. It is discovered that he is carrying 7.7 ounces of mariuana. Paul is arrested and taken to a drug treatment center, then transferred to a cell in a Tokyo prison.
Day 2: All music composed by Paul McCartney is BANNED throughout Japan.
Day 4: Linda — Paul’s wife — is allowed her first visit, and the world learns that Paul, while mildly depressed, in still in good health.
Day 5: Paul reads a public statement, praising his captors and regretting his use of marijuana. Linda says: “It doesn’t sound like him. I think he’s trying to tell us something.”
Day 6: The crisis grows more serious, as ALL rock journalists are given 24 hours to get out of Japan.
Day 8: As tensions grow, a 23-year old woman is hanged in a public square in Kobi, for whistling “Michelle”.
Day 9: Kurt Waldheim travels to Japan and is granted a 15-minute visit with McCartney. He says Paul is as well as can be expected under the circumstances.
Which brings us to Day 10. Jane?
Jane Curtin: Bill, yesterday, Day 10, was a day filled with surprises. In a clever attempt to get an exclusive interview with the former Beatle, one of “Weekend Update”‘s top correspondents flew to Tokyo carrying a large amount of marijuana in his luggage, hoping to get arrested and placed in the saem jail as Paul. Unfortunately, just as our correspondent was landing in Tokyo, the Japanese government made a startling announcement: Paul McCartney was free and was being sent home to England. So the risis is over for Paul McCartney, but another one has just begun for us here at “Weekend Update”, and particularly for one of our favorite correspondents. Through a complicated series of negotiations between NBC and Japanese authorities, permission WAS granted for us to send a camera crew to Tokyo and establish a live hook-up with our correspondent. Now for a statement from that correspondent, we switch via satellite to Tokyo.[ cut to live satellite — Father Guido Sarducci flanked by a pair of guards ]
Father Guido Sarducci: I want to-a thank the Japanese people for setting me straight about-a the evils of-a marijuana. They are treating me very well. I-a get-a three meals a day and plenty of fresh air and exercise. Now… I’ll-a keep-a talking in-a this way, BUT I’ll be varying from my text because they don’t speak English AND they can only tell what you’re saying from the tone-a of your voice — just like a dog.
Actually… what-a I would-a like to say is… Help! Help me, please? This is-a terrible here for me. They-a make-a me sleep on-a the floor… plus, the walls are paper-thin and its hard to get any sleep. It’a a good-a thing I had a couple of quaaludes. And — I don’t know how to stress this enough — I think it bears repeating: “Help!” Help…!”
And, in conclusion, I would like to say I agree with the Japanese government, that they should be allowed to sell their goods in the United States without-a any tariffs. No tariffs! No tariffs.
And — I would-a lke to say: “Live from-a New York” — AND the wonderful empire of Japan… “It’s-a Saturday Night.”