SNL Transcripts: Chevy Chase: 02/09/80: Rancho Houso


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 10

79j: Chevy Chase / Marianne Faithfull

Rancho Houso

Betty Ford…..Jane Curtin
Henry Kissinger…..Al FRanken
Gerald Ford…..Chevy Chase

[ open on house exterior, with SUPER ]

Announcer: Rancho Houso, Home of Ex-President Gerald Ford.

[ dissolve to interior, as doorbell rings ]

Voice of Gerald Ford: Honey, you want to turn that down, please?

Betty Ford: I’ll get it, Jerry! [ she opens the door ] Henry!

Henry Kissinger: Betty! Betty, you look ravishing!

[ they kiss hello ]

Betty Ford: Thank you! Come on in, Henry.

Henry Kissinger: Thank you.

Betty Ford: So… Jerry tells me you’re trying to convince him to run for President?

Henry Kissinger: Well, he — he MUST accept the draft, Betty.We NEED him. Reagan is simply… too old… And Bush is a lightveight. Uh, Jerry is, uh… vell… he’s not too old, so. And let me tell you something, Betty — I served two presidents. And Nixon, at times he could be difficult. But, uh, Jerry — he was always so, so… simple. By the vay, uh, how’s his forehead?

Betty Ford: Oh! Much better!

Henry Kissinger: So, uh — vhat’s our next President up to? What’s he doing?

Betty Ford: Oh, he’s upstairs cleaning the cellar!

Henry Kissinger: Well, why don’t you tell him I’m here?

Betty Ford: Oh! Oh! [ she walks over to the foot of the stairs ] Honey! Henry’s here!

Voice of Gerald Ford: Henry’s hair? What’s wrong with Henry’s hair?

Betty Ford: No, no. Henry’s here.

Voice of Gerald Ford: Oh!

Henry Kissinger: Well… why don’t I go up and get him, okay?

Betty Ford: Can I get you a drink?

Voice of Gerald Ford: Send him down!

Henry Kissinger: Yeah, I’ll go — I’ll go up! I’ll have whatever Jerry’s having, okay?

Betty Ford: Two Perriers and soda.

[ Kissinger shrugs, then starts up the stairs as Gerald Ford appears at the top to thunderous applause ]

Gerald Ford: Henry!

[ Chevy Chase shies away from the applause ]

Henry Kissinger: Mr. President! Mr. President!

Gerald Ford: [ re-emerging ] Henry!

Henry Kissinger: Mr. President!

Gerald Ford: It’s good to see you!

[ Chevy shoves a finger in his ear to clear the ringing ]

Henry Kissinger: Mr. President! I think that we should talk about the possibility of a draft.

Gerald Ford: I’m getting a little old, aren’t I, Henry, uh…? I think maybe the Coast Guard, but I…

Henry Kissinger: No, Mr. President! I’m talking about a presidential draft. I… I think I have the perfect slogan: “What America needs… America had.”

Gerald Ford: [ thinking ] That’s not bad. Why don’t I come down, and we can discuss it.

Henry Kissinger: Oh, no! No, Mr. President —

[ Ford takes a step and walks into the wall ]

Henry Kissinger: Mr. President, I’ll come up!

Gerald Ford: No, no, no. You’re fat, Henry. Don’t bother.

Henry Kissinger: No, no! I insist! I’ll come up!

[ Henry begins the ascent ]

Gerald Ford: No, no, please, please.

Henry Kissinger: No, I’m up! I’m coming up. I’m coming up.

[ Betty re-enters with the drinks ]

Betty Ford: Two Perriers and soda!

Henry Kissinger: I’ll get them! I’ll bring them up, okay? I’ll bring them up.

[ Henry descends the stairs ]

Gerald Ford: This is silly. I’ll just come down. I mean —

Henry Kissinger: Okay, but be careful. Be careful.

[ Ford slips slightly on his descent, but maintains his balance ]

Gerald Ford: I’m fine!

Betty Ford: [ holding out the drinks tray ] Here you go, dear.

Gerald Ford: Oh, I forgot my pipe! I’ll be right back!

[ Ford stumbles as he runs up the stairs, but makes it safely to the top ]

Henry Kissinger: Well, he… he appears to be the same ol’ Jerry, Betty!

Betty Ford: Well, sometimes I think he’s not as quick as he used to be, but then he’ll just turn around and surprise you!

Voice of Gerald Ford: I’m coming down, Henry!

Henry Kissinger: No, no! I vant to come up! I’ll come up, Mr. President!

Voice of Gerald Ford: Alright, come on up!

Henry Kissinger: Okay, I’m coming up!

[ Henry begins his ascent, as the phone rings ]

Voice of Betty Ford: Henry!

Henry Kissinger: Yes?

Voice of Betty Ford: There’s a call for you.

Henry Kissinger: Okay, I’ll — uh, Jerry? There’s a call for me.

[ Henry begins his desceent ]

Voice of Gerald Ford: I’ll get it!

Henry Kissinger: [ muttering to himself ] No, no…

[ at the bottom of the stairs, Henry follows Betty to an off-screen den ]

[ suddenly, Ford tumbles headfirst down the stairs and topples over a plantstand before looking into the camera ]

Gerald Ford: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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