SNL Transcripts: Chevy Chase: 02/09/80: Rancho Houso

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 10

79j: Chevy Chase / Marianne Faithfull

Rancho Houso

Betty Ford…..Jane Curtin
Henry Kissinger…..Al FRanken
Gerald Ford…..Chevy Chase

[ open on house exterior, with SUPER ]

Announcer: Rancho Houso, Home of Ex-President Gerald Ford.

[ dissolve to interior, as doorbell rings ]

Voice of Gerald Ford: Honey, you want to turn that down, please?

Betty Ford: I’ll get it, Jerry! [ she opens the door ] Henry!

Henry Kissinger: Betty! Betty, you look ravishing!

[ they kiss hello ]

Betty Ford: Thank you! Come on in, Henry.

Henry Kissinger: Thank you.

Betty Ford: So… Jerry tells me you’re trying to convince him to run for President?

Henry Kissinger: Well, he — he MUST accept the draft, Betty.We NEED him. Reagan is simply… too old… And Bush is a lightveight. Uh, Jerry is, uh… vell… he’s not too old, so. And let me tell you something, Betty — I served two presidents. And Nixon, at times he could be difficult. But, uh, Jerry — he was always so, so… simple. By the vay, uh, how’s his forehead?

Betty Ford: Oh! Much better!

Henry Kissinger: So, uh — vhat’s our next President up to? What’s he doing?

Betty Ford: Oh, he’s upstairs cleaning the cellar!

Henry Kissinger: Well, why don’t you tell him I’m here?

Betty Ford: Oh! Oh! [ she walks over to the foot of the stairs ] Honey! Henry’s here!

Voice of Gerald Ford: Henry’s hair? What’s wrong with Henry’s hair?

Betty Ford: No, no. Henry’s here.

Voice of Gerald Ford: Oh!

Henry Kissinger: Well… why don’t I go up and get him, okay?

Betty Ford: Can I get you a drink?

Voice of Gerald Ford: Send him down!

Henry Kissinger: Yeah, I’ll go — I’ll go up! I’ll have whatever Jerry’s having, okay?

Betty Ford: Two Perriers and soda.

[ Kissinger shrugs, then starts up the stairs as Gerald Ford appears at the top to thunderous applause ]

Gerald Ford: Henry!

[ Chevy Chase shies away from the applause ]

Henry Kissinger: Mr. President! Mr. President!

Gerald Ford: [ re-emerging ] Henry!

Henry Kissinger: Mr. President!

Gerald Ford: It’s good to see you!

[ Chevy shoves a finger in his ear to clear the ringing ]

Henry Kissinger: Mr. President! I think that we should talk about the possibility of a draft.

Gerald Ford: I’m getting a little old, aren’t I, Henry, uh…? I think maybe the Coast Guard, but I…

Henry Kissinger: No, Mr. President! I’m talking about a presidential draft. I… I think I have the perfect slogan: “What America needs… America had.”

Gerald Ford: [ thinking ] That’s not bad. Why don’t I come down, and we can discuss it.

Henry Kissinger: Oh, no! No, Mr. President —

[ Ford takes a step and walks into the wall ]

Henry Kissinger: Mr. President, I’ll come up!

Gerald Ford: No, no, no. You’re fat, Henry. Don’t bother.

Henry Kissinger: No, no! I insist! I’ll come up!

[ Henry begins the ascent ]

Gerald Ford: No, no, please, please.

Henry Kissinger: No, I’m up! I’m coming up. I’m coming up.

[ Betty re-enters with the drinks ]

Betty Ford: Two Perriers and soda!

Henry Kissinger: I’ll get them! I’ll bring them up, okay? I’ll bring them up.

[ Henry descends the stairs ]

Gerald Ford: This is silly. I’ll just come down. I mean —

Henry Kissinger: Okay, but be careful. Be careful.

[ Ford slips slightly on his descent, but maintains his balance ]

Gerald Ford: I’m fine!

Betty Ford: [ holding out the drinks tray ] Here you go, dear.

Gerald Ford: Oh, I forgot my pipe! I’ll be right back!

[ Ford stumbles as he runs up the stairs, but makes it safely to the top ]

Henry Kissinger: Well, he… he appears to be the same ol’ Jerry, Betty!

Betty Ford: Well, sometimes I think he’s not as quick as he used to be, but then he’ll just turn around and surprise you!

Voice of Gerald Ford: I’m coming down, Henry!

Henry Kissinger: No, no! I vant to come up! I’ll come up, Mr. President!

Voice of Gerald Ford: Alright, come on up!

Henry Kissinger: Okay, I’m coming up!

[ Henry begins his ascent, as the phone rings ]

Voice of Betty Ford: Henry!

Henry Kissinger: Yes?

Voice of Betty Ford: There’s a call for you.

Henry Kissinger: Okay, I’ll — uh, Jerry? There’s a call for me.

[ Henry begins his desceent ]

Voice of Gerald Ford: I’ll get it!

Henry Kissinger: [ muttering to himself ] No, no…

[ at the bottom of the stairs, Henry follows Betty to an off-screen den ]

[ suddenly, Ford tumbles headfirst down the stairs and topples over a plantstand before looking into the camera ]

Gerald Ford: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

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