Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 5: Episode 10
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray
Announcer: And now: “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Here are anchorpersons Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.
Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin, Here, now, the news. Our top story tonight:
On the eve of the opening of the Winter Olympic Games at Lake Placid, problems have arisen for ABC television crewmen who are setting up to broadcast the event. In addition to the freezing temperature and high winds, officials claim that miles of TV cable have been destroyed by what looks like the work of a mischevious raccoon or beaver. [ image: Jerry Mathers from “Leave it to Beaver” ] When reached for comment, The Beaver said, “Gee, Mom, I’m sorry, I won’t do it again, honest!”
After five-and-a-half years in self-imposed exile, former President Richard M. Nixon departed San Clemente, California today, and headed for his new residence: A $750,000 townhouse on Manhattan’s East Side. The San Clemente house was known as Casa Pacifica, and now the new house will be affectionately known as Slush Fund Atlantica.
Mohammed Ali, now touring Africa on behalf of President Carter [ Bill coughs ] to raise support for the Olympic boycott — God bless you — said last week that he was against the boycott. The former champ, stopping in Tanzania, said, and I quote: “I’m not supportin’ NOTHIN’ that’s called a “Boy” cott.”
Bill Murray: The FBI announced yesterday that it currently has 80 inquiries under way involving white collar crimes in all areas of government and big business, including reported investigations of the three major television networks, focusing specifically on payoffs to people in charge of gathering and disseminating the news. We at “Weekend Update” support the efforts of the FBI and wish them well in these investigations. [ he lifts his news copy and collects the stacks of money that lie beneath ]
Americans have not been able to thank the Canadian government ENOUGH, for help in sneaking the six U.S. Embassy employees out of Tehren. But Congress thinks it has a solution: Yesterday, it chose Gary Leonard, of Detroit, Michign, to personally send Thank You notes to every one of Canada’s 25 million citizens. Said the surprised Leonard: “I haven’t even finished my Christmas Thank Yous yet; Now, I guess I have to buy more stamps!” Ha!
After examining the latest polls in Maine and New Hampshire, Teddy Kennedy has made a dramatic reversal in strategy. Today, Kennedy announced that in order to stay in the race, he will have to lose in both states.
Jane Curtin: Kennedy watchers have noticed a drastic change in the Senator’s wife Joan. As the photograph on the left reveals, Mrs. Kennedy looked like this in August of last year; the photo on the right was taken just last week. This striking change has been attributed to cosmetic surgery; however, the Kennedy Family denies this. They did reveal, however, that Mrs. Kennedy will not replace Madame on the Wayland Flowers Tour next summer.
In prison for just a few days, and already Studio 54’s Steve Rubell has attempted to break out of his Manhattan jail cell. Seen here checking out an air-conditioning vent with one of his outside contacts, Rubell did not get far in his escape plans. Prison authorities said he had difficulty trying to tunnel his way out using those teeny-tiny little silver spoons.
Scientists at Duke University announced this week that they have identified from fossils an African monkey-like animal, 30 million years old, which seems to have been a common ancestor of both man and apes. Given the name Aegyptopithecus, the animal apparently possessed traits of both ape and man. For example: Scientists say it was advanced enough to have its own chain of newspapers but, instead of reading them, it just tore the papers into shreds and left the jungle in a big mess.
On Thursday, President Carter submitted a proposal that women be registered for the draft. This proposal, and the opposition it has aroused, is the subject of tonight’s commentary by Bill Murray. Bill?
Bill Murray: President Carter proposed the drafting of women, and everybody’s all worked up about it. Personally, I don’t see what they’re complaining about. Women in the Armed Forces could be the best thing that ever happened in this country. Let’s say we have a war with Russia, and the women fight. If we win, that’s okay; and if we lose, we can say to the Russians: “Wow! You beat a bunch of girls. You must be really proud of yourself! You Russians are real tough guys, yeah!” Can you imagine how embarrassed the Russians would be? The same holds true for weapons! Why give weapons to our soldiers? If we win without them, fine! And if we lose, we can say: “Oh, so you BEAT us! We didn’t even HAVE any weapons! What do you want? BIG DEAL!” If you ask me, the BEST defense our country could have… would be an army with poorly-equipped, untrained, unarmed women! That way, either we would win the war or we’d make the Russians look like incredible jerks! Amd isn’t that what it’s all about, anyway?
That’s my opinion. I’m Bill Murray, and my girlfriend’s going. Jane?
Jane Curtin: The transplant of a kidney from an Israeli slain by Arabs to an anti-Israeli Arab girl has angered ultra-Orthadox members of the Israeli Parliament, who will move to outlaw organ transplants unless relatives give permission. New legislation will require that Jewish parents first have the organs over for dinner, and then decide whether or not they want to give their approval.[ image: Walter Cronkite ] Television’s quintessential newscaster, Walter Cronkite, has told CBS that he wants to quit as anchor of the evening news when his current contract expires in 1981. [ coyly ] Mr. Cronkite is 63 years old, but I’d like to say, if he leaves CBS, he can park his news bulletins under my desk any tiem he want.
And a reminder on the upcoming Lincoln birthday holiday, most city and state public schools will be closed. But in honor of the Great Emancipator, bussing will continue as usual.
Bill Murray: I’m glad you brought that up, Jane. February 12th is Lincoln’s birthday. But there’s another American biggie — “Gorgeous” George Washington, who’s celebrating his birthday this month, too. [ he lifts a bust of Washington onto the news desk ] And I would like to pay my respects to both of them. [ he lifts a bust of Lincoln onto the news desk, then sings: ]
“Happy Birthday to yoooooooouuu!
Happy presidential Birthday to yoooooooouuu!
[ he rubs both of their chins ]Happy Birthday, Father of Our Country Who Never Told a Lie…
[ he pulls the Lincoln bust closer ]And you ol’ Railsplitter Who Freed the Slaves!
And Walked Six Miles to Return a Book!
And Wore a Big Hat, and Got Shot in the Head the One Time You Didn’t Wear It!
And Now His Face is on a Penny and He’s Still Not Wearing That Hat!
And Who Wrote This Incredible Speech on the Back of an Envelope, and He Was Married to an Insane Woman Who Was Crazy and Smoked a Pipe…”
Jane Curtin: Finish the story, Bill!
Bill Murray: “Happy Birthday, to yooouuuu booooooth!”[ Bill kisses both busts on the head ]
Jane Curtin: That’s the news! Good night nd have a pleasant tomorrow![ Bill hands the bust of Lincoln over to Jane, and she kisses it ] [ fade ]