SNL Transcripts: Kirk Douglas: 02/23/80


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 12

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

February 23rd, 1980

Kirk Douglas

Sam & Dave


Lorne Michaels

Peter Aykroyd

Mitchell Laurance

Tom Schiller

Alan Zweibel

Paul Shaffer
Kirk’s Dressing RoomSummary: Gilda Radner brings her Aunt Margie backstage to meet the real Kirk Douglas, who’s not as he appears in the movies.



Kirk Douglas’ MonologueSummary: Kirk Douglas introduces his biggest fan in the audience — his goddaughter, Alexandra.


What If?Summary: Spartacus (Kirk Douglas).

The Micro-DentistsSummary: Micro-dentists team (Kirk Douglas, Bill Murray, Laraine Newman) shrink their size so they can fix Anwar Sadat’s (Garrett Morris) teeth and battle Taste Buds.

Recurring Characters: Anwar Sadat.

Sam & Dave performs “You Don’t Know Like I Know”

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Ronald Reagan (Harry Shearer) demonstrates some off-color jokes in his new commercial. Al Franken wants to reinstate the draft so he won’t have to go to war.

Recurring Characters: Ronald Reagan.

Nick CollinsSummary: A drunken Nick Collins (Bill Murray) performs at the Lieberman bar mitzvah.

Recurring Characters: Nick the Lounge Singer.

Prime Time SaturdaySummary: Tom Snyder (Harry Shearer) interviews the brothers of Republican Party candidates.

Recurring Characters: Tom Snyder.


Kirk’s Greatest KirksSummary: Kirk Douglas does impressions of the people who do impressions of him.

Schiller’s ReelSummary: In “Mask of Fear”, a tense breaking-and-entering episode turns into an afternoon of skiing.

Sam & Dave perform “Soul Man”

Sardi’sSummary: Sardi’s bathroom attendant (Gilda Radner) asks Kirk Douglas for his autograph.


SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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Carol Hawkins
Carol Hawkins
4 years ago

Al Franken did a timeless Weekend Update on the 2/23/80 show. Do wish I could find a clip of it. Even more apropos to 2020 than it was then.

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