Prime Time Saturday


Prime Time Saturday

Tom Snyder…..Harry Shearer
Wendall Bush…..Jim Downey
Dennis Crain…..Paul Shaffer
Claude Connally…..Bill Murray

[ open on control board ]

Director’s Voice: Standby to fade up, in five, four, three, two, one. Fade up. Cue talent.

[ fade up to Tom Snyder sitting in front of the control board ]

Tom Snyder: Good evening once again, everybody, from Studio 3-K here at Rockefeller Center. The name of the program is “Prime Time Saturday”, although we ran out of prime time before we ran out of program, so maybe tonight it should be “Not Ready For Prime Time Saturday”! Anyway, we called upstairs to Studio 8-H, up in Rockefeller Center, where they do the “Saturday Night” show, and we told them that we have one segment left over, their director, Mr. Wilson, said they were running kind of short. We both work for the National Broadcasting Company, so here we are.

Director’s Voice: Standby to turn. Three, two, one. Turn.

[ Tom turns ]

Tom Snyder: Ever since Jimmy Carter became President, a great deal of attention has focused on his brother Billy. They’re both for pitching beer, and for representing Arabs in this country. We wondered, with a new presidential election underway, whether any of the candidates have a Billy up their family tree, so we have gathered three brothers of three presidential candidates in the studio – Studio 4-L, as a matter of fact – of our station WMAQ, Channel 5 in Chicago, out there on the 19th Floor of the Merchandise Mart. We would have flown them here to New York, but we’re not doing too well in the ratings at this point, so there they are in Chicago. Gentlemen, good evening to you. Could we see the brothers, pleas, George?

[ the three brothers show up on the monitor over Tom’s right shoulder ]

Okay, there they are. On the left is Wendall Bush, brother of George Bush, a mutual fund salesman in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, my old stomping grounds up there; in the middle is Dennis Crain, the brother of Phil, a foot surgeon and pathologist, and I believe they call it Kay-ro, Illinois, sir?

Dennis Crain: Well, they do call it Kay-ro, Tom, but I’m kind of old-fashioned, I like to call it Cairo.

Tom Snyder: Alright, good enough, sir, Cairo it is. And, at the other end is Claude Connally, an investment consultant and lawyer in the city of Houston, Texas, and quite obviously the brother of Ronald Reagan! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!! Sir, I’m just kidding, it’s John Connally’s brother, and, fellas, thank you for all coming by and waiting around so late, and I guess the first question I have for all of you is: Are any of you knid of flaky?

Wendall Bush: Well, um.. I don’t know what’s considered flaky back there, Tom.. I play tennis at night. Some of my friends think that’s a little, you know, off.

Tom Snyder: Well, sir, I don’t think that’s the kind of thing that’s going to get in Page One of the New York Post, with all due respect. What about you, Mr. Connally?

Claude Connally: Well, I suppose everybody knows about this so-called land scandal that John and I had our names dragged through down here.

Tom Snyder: Well, speaking for myself, sir, no I do not!

Claude Connally: Well, it was kind of a silly little thing, Tom. This was when LBJ was still alive, you know? And John and I made a deal with the old man to sell out about 10,000 acres of his ranch, this was all real scrub country, you know? The ad said that it had a view of the swmap, you know?

Tom Snyder: Yes, sir, a swamp is guaranteed to be at least a half-mile away, I know it well.

Claude Connally: [ chuckles ] That’s right! That sort of thing. Well, some people started complaining about the deal, but right about that time, LBJ said his final farewell to the hill country, and the whole shebang went straight in probate court, everybody got their money back, went away as happy as squirrels in pig flop.

Tom Snyder: Alright, sir. Now, for anyone who wasn’t born out there in the boondocks, I gather by “pig flop”, I take it you mean the part of the pig that, that, that, that he leaves behind, that doesn’t make the ham or bacon?

Claude Connally: Uh.. yes, sir.. that’s one way of putting it.

Tom Snyder: Okay, fair enough. And, since that time, you’ve been involved in business affairs with your brother John, have you done so by yourself, or what?

Claude Connally: Well, sir, the good Lord has been kind enough to bless me with some pretty good information on the stock market, and I’ve been fortunate enough to have some clients who are interested in this kind of information..

Tom Snyder: And they’re willing to pay for it, are they not, sir?

Claude Connally: Uh, yes, sir, it’s my good fortune that they are.

Tom Snyder: And nobody is twisting their arms to pay for it, and I’m sure you make no guarantees for it?

Claude Connally: No, sir. It’s a cash/cash only kind of business.

Tom Snyder: Alright. And, Mr. Bush, does the good Lord give you information on good mutual fund deals like our friend Mr. Connally gets?

Wendall Bush: Uh, no, Tom, I have to get my information from the Wall Street Journal, just like everybody else.

Tom Snyder: Alright, fair enough. Dr. Crain, does looking at other people’s sick feet all day drive you batty sometimes? I mean, if your brother becomes President, we’re not gonna see Dennis Crain Beer, are we, sir?

Dennis Crain: [ laughs ] No, Tom, I think if any beverage is named after me, it’s much more likely to be Rum..

Tom Snyder: Alright! The doctor likes his rum!

Dennis Crain: Seriously, though.. I’m a consultant for the Chicago Bears, and also one of the Canadian football teams, the Edmonton Huskies..

Tom Snyder: Yes, sir!

Dennis Crain: ..on the problems of the foot. And a funny thing, a quarterback who was drafted just about a year ago, is having a terrible problem with his hammer toes..

Tom Snyder: Yes, sir?

Dennis Crain: ..and, uh.. well, I, uh.. was a consultant on the design of some special shoes which we gave to him.

Tom Snyder: Okay. And how did he do last season?

Dennis Crain: Well, I believe he was waved right out of the league – bad arm, actually. Uh.. made three interceptions in one game..

Tom Snyder: Yes, sir, but the toes were okay?

Dennis Crain: Uh, yeah.

Tom Snyder: Okay. And for all you guys, no drinking, no horsing around, no, I don’t know, no homosexual love affairs in England, anything like that?

Claude Connally: I’m afriad not.

[ satellite feed closes ]

Tom Snyder: Okay. Well, again, gentlemen, thnk you for coming all the way to Chicago and staying so late in the booth there. Uh, not exactly earth-shaking, but we’d already paid for the line to Chicago, so there it was. And, incidentally, we did have only Republican brothers, that is because we’re all pretty familiar with President Carter’s brother Billy, Gov. Brown has only a sister, and Sen. Kennedy is.. an only child. Next week, Zack Birken has a report on a veteraniarian who is getting rich on Medicare, and Jessica Savage has a piece on a chemist who believes vitamins may cause cancer. Until then, thank you, back up to the “Saturday Night” folks here at Studio 8-H in Rockefeller Center, and good night, everybody.

[ fade down to the control board ]

Director’s Voice: Standby to fade out. Five, four, three, two, one. Fade out.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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