Kirk’s Dressing Room

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Kirk’s Dressing Room

…..Gilda Radner
…..Gilda’s Aunt
…..Kirk Douglas
…..Lorne Michaels


[ open outside Kirk Douglas’ dressing room ]

Gilda Radner: Now, listen, Aunt Margie – the show’s just about to start, so there’s only time for you to peek in and say hello, okay?

Gilda’s Aunt: Don’t worry, Gilda. I won’t bother him. I just want to see him!

Gilda Radner: Okay.

[ Gilda knocks on the door ]

Voice of Kirk: Come in!

[ Gilda and her Aunt enter the dressing room ]

Gilda Radner: Uh.. Kirk? Uh.. oh.. [ closes door ] Excuse me?

Kirk Douglas: Hi!

[ camera show Kirk standing about four feet from the ground ]

Gilda Radner: Uh.. Mr. Douglas, we don’t mean to bother you, but I’d like you to meet a big fan of yours. This is my Aunt Margie.

Kirk Douglas: Well! [ walks forward, obviously on his knees ]

Gilda’s Aunt: [ whispers to Gilda ] Are you sure this Kirk Douglas the movie star?

Gilda Radner: Now, Aunt Margie, listen.. the man’s made 65 movies, what do you expect?

Gilda’s Aunt: I’m sorry, but I was expecting something else, I-I-I..

Gilda Radner: Quiet! Sshhh! Mr. Douglas, I’d like to apologize for my Aunt Margie.

Kirk Douglas: There’s no need. I know what she means. I’m used to it. Now, Aunt Margie, you expected a taller man, with a dimple in his chin? Uh.. could you reach that tie for me, please?

Gilda Radner: Uh, sure. [ grabs the tie and hands it to Kirk ]

Kirk Douglas: Thank you. [ starts to put it on ] No, Margie, that’s just an illusion – makeup, a little Hollywood magic.. now, you didn’t really think I had a hole in my chin, did you? Huh? [ Gilda laughs ] [ Lorne Michaels enters the dressing room ]

Lorne Michaels: Kirk, the makeup people are here from Hollywood.

Kirk Douglas: What took them so long?

Gilda Radner: Oh, uh.. we’d better go..

Gilda’s Aunt: Nice meeting you.

[ Gilda and her Aunt exit ]

Lorne Michaels: Their plane was late, because of the flooding in L.A.

[ Kirk walks across the room to grab a coat, as the Hollywood Makeup people enter ]

Okay, we’d better hurry – we have one minute to air! Kirk, do you think you’ll be alright?

[ a costume designer enters with a fake pair of legs for Kirk ]

Kirk Douglas: Yeah, I think so! She might be a little loose, though.

Lorne Michaels: Okay, great. You know what? We have about 30 seconds, okay? [ exits the dressing room, walks past Gilda and her Aunt outside ]

Gilda’s Aunt: It’s amazing.. I’ve seen, maybe, 50 of his movies, but in person, he makes your Uncle Harry look good.

Gilda Radner: Yeah. Well, as they say in show business, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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